This is a topic I usually avoid writing on but a recent experience prompted me to speak up on this issue just as I do on many others I muse about.
I was at an event and after yet another attempt at being pulled by yet another married bloke, I want to ask -.just what is it with married blokes that they feel they have a given right to chat women up at events and why is it that they feel pulling a chick is part of the outing’s experience?
I was making my way out of the venue of the event I attended and barely had I walked out of the door that this bloke went “Whao, I just love your hips” Full of indignation, I responded “You can’t say that to me, I find that highly insulting and offensive. You don’t even know me”
He goes, “Oh, I’m sorry but I think you are so beautiful, you have such a nice figure, bla bla bla bla bla………” Anyway, that went on for a couple of minutes and then I asked to his even more offensive request for a dinner date “What will your wife say? (I didn’t know if he was married and I really didn’t care) to which he answered, “Oh I am a grown man and at my age, I can do what I want and I don’t need to ask anyone’s permission or be scared of what anyone will say…”
Thing is it has become the standard response you come to expect from these blokes – everytime. Many of them go on like their wives are just inconsequential figures in their lives.
Let us just say that the conversation went quickly downhill from there – with mostly me giving him the most extreme washing down he must have experienced in recent years – if not ever…..
Maybe its an age thing – but I can’t help but wonder what makes a married man sees another lady for the first time and within 5 minutes, assume she will WANT HIM??
And why do blokes always assume that if they go out, they must surely pull? And why do they immediately assume that an unattached woman at any event is begging for their often irritating and mostly unwanted attention?
Even more irritating is the response you sometimes get after you’ve rejected them is “What is wrong with you, are you not an adult?” as if being an adult is a justification for adultery!
I am not naively assuming that all women find these invasion of privacy unwelcome – far from it. I actually know that many ladies attend events purposely to be picked up and others definitely make a play for the married ones – but surely these men should at some age, develop some kind of radar for these category of women and know whom they can safely approach and those to steer clear of?
I also find it excruciatingly unbelievable that many men assume that you exchanging polite pleasantries with them or even the simple hello – is an invitation to other things.
Out of a writers/blogger’s curiousity, I asked one of my friends the reason why it seems most of the married men – especially in my age bracket always feel the need to go after other women? To which he explained that wives at our age do not fulfill the desires that “other women” are willing to. Or simply put – their wives no longer show interest in sex and when they do it has to be by a predetermined time table.
My question at this point is whether this is a real explanation, albeit unjustifiable, and reason married men seek other women. Or is it the boredom of having regular sex with the one same woman? I have heard many men say that their wives at 50 years of age are too old for them. So is it that men – and by this, I mean Nigerian men, actually prefer having sex with younger women – or simply an excuse to stray and have sex with other women since I am not younger than many of these men’s wives and in some cases, I’m actually older.
Or does the problem lie with the wives who no longer do “sexy” like they did in their 20s?
Many men will give any kind of reason to pick up a woman. The old line used to be “My wife does not understand me” or “I am not happy at home” like you are some kind of therapist. Others will simply deny being married and appear in public without their wedding ring.
But the line nowadays when you ask a man if he is married is “I am a matured man and I’m a very honest man. I won’t lie to you but yes I am married. But I am not scared of anyone. And we are having issues at the moment so you don’t have anything to worry about, I can handle that side” Like you don’t have a say in the matter.
Or they simply assume that because they have spun that silly line, you will simply jump for joy and into their car! I actually had one tell me once “I am trying to leave my wife and I need someone to help me make the move” REALLY??!! What an offer!!
I know some men in our community here in London, whom I have never heard any sordid stories about. And these are men that attend a lot of events, even without their wives. Event over, its straight back home. But we also know many with whom no woman is safe. They will hit on anything as long as it is of the female gender. There are a lot of them that are quite notorious in that area and many of the women in my network have their own tales about them. Or they know at least one person they have hit on. I see the wives of some of them and I am shocked. You can’t help think – with a woman like this, what are you doing running after other women? Ironically, these are also women you will see endlessly posting pictures of them and their “bae” on Facebook – to the amusement of many!
But hanging said all that, could the wives on the other hand, be contributing to their husbands’ behaviour?
A woman could easily dress up and look good but have a bad attitude and no imagination in the bedroom. And we know these are the 2 basic necessities that men need in a marriage. It is not only food that keeps a man, contrary to what our mothers taught us. You can feed a man 3 square meals at a time but if he’s not getting any satisfaction in the bedroom, soon, he will look for sex elsewhere even if he comes back home for food.
Other women, only dress up when there is an owambe party to attend – complete with £50 worth of make up, the snazziest shoes and most expensively tailored Aso-Ebi. But at home, they dress down in soiled old clothes and unkempt hair, old bathroom slippers and a face disguised by Shirley!. How can a man look at that and think “Hmmnn, sexy!”
Some, spend what should be quality time with their “Bobo” either on the phone or on Facebook with very little time for copulation or quickies even… Others spend every minute on housework, cooking and endless cleaning that when it is time they should be playing mummy and daddy games, they are bone tired and all they want to do is sleep.
A friend recently posted on her Facebook wall “Ladies take care of your husbands so they can leave us alone” I know what she must have been thinking before posting such. If a man is getting properly serviced at home, he won’t have the energy to look elsewhere. And only the greedy exemptions will be fed and seriously bedded at home and still go searching outside.
It is a common and accepted fact that an average Nigerian man is programmed to stray. Their fathers and their fathers’ father strayed before them. Many men will honour their wives and their wedding vows and never cheat on their wives.
But a larger number of men will.
It is a very painful and unfortunate fact and so far, no one has successfully found a way of making our men give up or stop cheating on their wives.
But their wives should not make it easy and justifiable for them to do so.
By Jummy Ariyo