Category: SEX & RELATIONSHIPS

DIVORCED PEOPLE DON’T BITE!

It’s refreshingly lovely when your married friends do not see your single/divorced status as some horrible disease that can infect their exclusive club and invite you to their gatherings – even Couples Dinner – as absurd as that might sound, if you are not “coupled”

Many houses of worship ostracise their single (divorced) members…. and some married women avoid the divorced like a plague. And churches at certain times, can be the loneliest place to be for single or divorced women surrounded by loved up lovey-dovey couples.

Unfortunately what people have failed to realise is that many married men nowadays prefer their fellow married women who want to keep their homes and still enjoy the thrill provided by another man. And these happen quite ofter right under the partner’s nose! In other words, the “other woman” is not always that attractive and seductive looking divorcée.

It could be the wife of the man you call “uncle” or “brother”!!!!

And many older single or divorced women are simply happy and content being single (if just for the time being. ..)


Others cannot and are not willing to “man share” and do not see themselves as some man’s “bit on the side” or “home-wrecker” so they too avoid married men like a worse plague and would run a mile as if an Ebola victim is pursuing them.

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However, some Pirhana women that will steal a man, will do as they please regardless of how tough the wife thinks she is; and the habitual skirt chasing married bloke will not be stopped by matter, time or space if he’s determined to go a-chasing! So some preventive antics of the panicky and insecure partner might just be a collossal waste of time!!

Nevertheless, perhaps it’s time for folks with the same status to stick and flock together…

The event organiser in me is again thinking of a suitable Event. Hmmnnn………..

BJ
JustMusing

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NIGERIA: MAN SEEKS TO DIVORCE WIFE FOR CONSTANTLY MASTURBATING

A 44-year-old businessman, Ekpolador Ebi, told an FCT High Court, Kubwa, that he would no longer tolerate his wife’s masturbation.

Ebi made this known when he testified in his divorce petition against his wife, Gloria Onajero, in Abuja on Wednesday.

He urged the court to end the marriage, which had produced two children because of his wife’s intolerable character. He said, “She masturbates on a regular basis. I have warned her severally but she wouldn’t stop. “I have caught her on at least three occasions; I spoke to the mother about it and she promised that it would be resolved but it did not.

The petitioner questioned the paternity of his children when he found out his wife’s affair with another man named Richard.

He also noted that his wife’s “ugly character” has had a negative impact on their children.

“Since we separated, I have noticed that the children have developed confidence issues in school.

“My first daughter has also developed anger issues; she slams the door at you when you try to scold her. All these never used to be.”

Ebi also told the court that he left his home because his wife and her mother frustrated all his good intentions.

According to him, his wife also beats the children with so much force and without mercy and whenever he tries to caution her, her mother supports her.

The petitioner urged the court not only to dissolving the marriage, but to also help him recover his property from his wife.


Read also: 5 Things women find really hot in bed


He said, “My wife came into this marriage with nothing, but when she left, she went away with everything I had.

“She took all the original documents of my property, including our marriage certificate.

“I want everything back, including my first daughters’ international passport which has a five-year-visa on it.

“I also want this court to order her to stop calling me at odd hours. She calls me around 1 a.m, 2 a.m or 3 a.m for no good reason.”

Counsel to the respondent, Mr Festus Ukpe, applied to the court to grant them two dates of adjournment to enable him and his client prepare their defence.

The presiding judge, Justice Bello Kawu, adjourned the matter.

NAN

 

SEX WITH THE EX: GOOD IDEA OR BAD?

Many of us would have at some point or another,  had a relationship that we would have had problems moving on from and found ourselves just allowing the tiny bit of fantasy of just one more time with an ex. And while some of us limit our reminiscing on our ex to simple fantasies that are never to be acted upon, others actually take the plunge and proceed to have full blown sexual relations with their exes. In this article, we shall attempt to view the pros and cons of “Sex with the ex”

We’re taught to stay away from the beds of our exes at all costs, and frequently reminded that nothing that goes on in there post-breakup can ever be a good thing for our mental well-being.

But there are also others who believe that ‘ex-sex’ can, in some cases, be a good idea.

Divorced partners who have slipped up and fallen back into the marital bed report that sex with an ex can actually lessen the psychological distress caused by the break-up.

In a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, researchers at the University of Arizona examined a group of 137 recently divorced adults and asked how many had had the occasional post-conjugal visit after their divorce papers had been signed.

Findings found that most participants (82.5 per cent) remained in contact with their ex after the separation, and almost one-fifth (21.9 per cent) had sex.

Whether or not the ex-sex actually helped a partner get over the end of their marriage depended on how ‘over’ it they already were.

Partners who hadn’t accepted the break-up found the intimate encounters actually helped lessen the pain of divorce.

We’re always taught that sex with an ex is an emotional minefield, but new research suggests it could actually help partners having difficulty coming to terms with a break-up

Meanwhile, partners who had accepted the break-up found sex made no difference at all to how they dealt with it, indicating that ‘ex-sex’ may not be quite as emotionally detrimental as we had previously thought, and that it can, in fact, have benefits for those who are not-quite over their relationship.

Sex toy firm Lovehoney found that more women than men look back with longing on past relationships and admit to having had better sex with an ex than with their current partner

Psychologists believe that break-ups can leave us with attachment needs that go unfulfilled especially where a relationship has ended rather abruptly and that sex with an ex helps to provide some sense of security, and at least partial fulfillment of those needs.

The survey of 1,100 adults found that 38 per cent of women said the best sex of their lives was in a previous relationship.

Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox said this ‘grass is greener’ syndrome is not new.

A study revealed that one in four men regularly dream about their ex-girlfriends.

Ex sex

And the results, also revealed that the men in question were not necessarily pining for their exes by day. In fact, the majority reported high levels of satisfaction with their current relationship.

But women reportedly benefited from having sex with their ex because it ultimately gave them ‘closure’ on the relationship.

This could be particularly true because in the case where a partner is forced to give up on the relationship where the other partner had found someone else or a major row ended in the spontaneous splitting up of the relationship where strong underlying feelings are still present, a partner will see the ex as unfinished business and this kind of sex could give some form of closure – an opportunity to have a amiable parting of ways.

However, Tracey Cox, sex expert, said: ‘I still think it’s dodgy ground if there’s a lot of emotion involved – if a much-loved partner who has left is interested in sex with you it sends of message of hope – and that could be false hope’

 

She said: ‘Sometimes we need to go back to move forward, and revisiting the sexual side of the relationship can sometimes make us see very clearly that we’ve idealised the relationship or feel much less pain than we thought. So there’s a sense of closure that can be helpful.’

Cox, who has her own range of sex toys with Lovehoney, warned women to wary before jumping into bed with their ex.

‘On their side it’s a trip down sexual memory lane, on your side, it’s make-up sex with a view of rekindling.

‘If you’re going to do it, make sure you go into it with a clear understanding of what it means to the other person.’

In the hit movie It’s Complicated, Meryl Street and Alec Baldwin star as exes who start sleeping together years after they divorce.

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It is however, pertinent to remember that there are reasons your ex is your ex. Even if bad sexual chemistry isn’t one of the reasons, having sex with your ex partner is still a bad idea especially an ex from a particularly bad relationship even if the sex was good and hot.

Even just the phrase, “sex with the ex” will get a spectrum of responses from people. Most people will acknowledge that sex with an ex is a hazardous activity.

Why do people do it?

A number of seemingly convincing reasons: It’s familiar; the sex is always good; make-up sex can be hot; the inability to let go and move on, and the most dangerous of all: the hope that sex might lead to a reconciliation.

Often, when exes hop back into bed together, they each have a different reason for being there. One might be scratching a sexual itch with a tried and reliable partner, then the other is thinking dangerously along the lines of reuniting. Yes, sex with the ex is a very, very bad idea.

So the first thing you have to ask yourself is why do you want to recycle lovers rather than move on? What would you gain from going back into the bedroom with an ex? If you have an emotional reason, stop right there and don’t even consider the idea.

Whether you have recently broken up, or you’ve been apart for some time, if you’re seeking to reconnect to a former partner emotionally, and using sex as the way to do it, you’re asking for confusion and trouble.

O50 SEX

If your answer is because of the physical pleasure that you get from sex with this particular ex, again, why invite confusion and complications into your life?

So you had “great earth shattering anytime, anywhere, anything goes kind of sex” when you were together, it’s probably because he (or you) also had “great earth shattering anytime, anywhere, anything goes kind of sex” with everyone else around you that he is your ex today.

If you want a casual partner for casual no-strings sex, your ex is not the answer.

It doesn’t take long for old patterns – and new – expectations to creep back once you become intimate. No matter how you slice it, sex is intimate and don’t kid yourself that sex with an ex is a simple act.
Often, one or both of you will regret the sex. The feelings afterwards that ignite your memories of one another – either good or bad – can make for the desire to turn the clock back. Or worse, only one of you wants to turn the clock back to before you got between the sheets together, while the other wants to turn the clock back all the way to before you broke up.

Either way, spare yourself the head smacking and heart ache and stay strong, where you are right now. Remember why you both broke up.

You’ve moved on successfully this far. So keep looking forward to new sexual and romantic possibilities and keep the old ones where they belong: in your past.

And if you are still sitting around fantasizing about the great earth shattering sex you had with him, try to also remember the vitriolic and hateful rows you also had or the many he stayed out late or over the night ostensibly to help a friend in need, while in fact he was having great earth shattering sex with your best friend.

It’s difficult when you see your ex regularly, but you can stay strong by arranging to see those mutual friends in different circumstances rather than where you know you’ll run into each other. And if that’s not possible, absolutely engage your support team: if they know you really do not want to get back with your ex, in any way, they will help you (to what extent they can, but really in the end the choice is yours).

Black-couple-having-sex

And of course it’s common sense, to not be around your ex when alcohol is involved. Drinking may make your ex seem more alluring and attractive, and it will definitely cloud your judgment. A clear head is a smarter one when it comes to anything to do with sex and love, and tenfold that for exes!

In this modern era of greater acceptance of casual sex, it may seem there’s little harm in sex with the ex. But few people are mature enough to separate current sex from past patterns, and even fewer get into bed for the same reasons, and stay there for the same reasons.

Do yourself a favour: leave the past alone and go out there and get your future.

 

 

THE DATING GAME: HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR PARTNER IS EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT

Everyone would love to think the person they’re attracted to is emotionally intelligent (flashback to the days when the best boys were those who recorded cassettes of your best love songs as gifts for you).

While *~sensitivity~* and emotional intelligence are linked, truly emotionally intelligent people are way different than the brooding fuckboys who haunt your DMs or inboxes because they “just really miss you” after ghosting (going awol for days on end and not picking or returning your calls) and then suddenly reappearing for a bootie-call

CosmopolitanUk has very kindly come up with some of the signs to tell you you’re dating an emotionally intelligent person:

1. They are deeply empathetic. “This is probably what we think of most when we think of emotional intelligence,” says Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences of UMass Amherst. “They can read you well — and your moods — without you having to spell it out in excruciating detail. They can tell what’s bothering you at the moment, and what would make you feel good.” And they’ll never be the ones to just say “oh, that’s too bad” and turn back to scrolling through Instagram — they’ll actually relate and make you feel way less alone with your problems.

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2. They really make an effort to get along with the people closest to you. Everyone’s had that one friend whose boyfriend they hated. “You don’t live in isolation from others, and if your partner is always offending people, that’s going to end up having an effect on you,” says Whitbourne. So if your partner really cares about engaging with your friends, it shows that they understand that having relationships with them will make *your* life better, too.

3. But they can also help you spot the toxic relationships in your life. As an example: “A partner like that can be good for telling you when your sister-in-law is manipulating you, without being overly-critical of you or her, and look at ways you could better stand up for yourself,” says Whitbourne. Life gets infinitely easier when you have an S.O. who’ll inspire you to stick up for yourself more in healthy, well-thought-out ways (and not encouraging you to immediately quit your job or cut out your BFF because she messed up once).

4. They’re the best listeners. Look out for people who really do try to absorb every word, instead of just waiting for you to finish your sentence so they can bombard you with their own opinion.

Britney Spears, just listen, listen
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5. They aren’t afraid to argue. As nice as it sounds to have a partner who backs down easily or almost always agree with you, it’s also a sign of low commitment. Any two people in a relationship will have differences — major ones — and emotionally intelligent people are willing to sit with you and go over every little detail of the disagreement, as uncomfortable/inconvenient/annoying as it feels. They simply can’t move on until there’s an understanding between you two.

6. But they also argue well. Just because they’re emotionally intelligent doesn’t mean they’re perfect. “Usually, what you can expect the emotionally intelligent person to do is not launch into a bunch of attacks on the other person,” says Whitbourne. “There will be times where they say things that are hurtful or that they regret, but at that point, they can admit it.”

7. They aren’t impulsive. Some spontaneity is good, but there’s a huuuuuuge difference between the guy who plans a last-minute romantic weekend trip with you (knowing in advance that you’d be free, of course), and the guy who gets fired from his third job in a row because he maxed out the company card. “With impulsivity, you’re really not listening, you’re really not paying attention to other people.” says Whitbourne.

Student uses Beyoncé as excuse not to attend college
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8. They know themselves really, really well. “They’ll know their limitations, and they’re not going to get into situations where they’ve really overextended themselves,” says Whitbourne. AKA, your partner will never commit to three parties in one night and drag you to all of them. Find this person and never let them go.

9. But they’re also constantly trying to grow. Emotionally intelligent people are always looking for ways they could be kinder or wiser, including in their own relationships. “They ask for feedback, and are really open to it. They check out their reading of a situation with someone else.” says Whitbourne. Needless to say, your opinion will ALWAYS matter to them.

10. They are interested in what you do. In addition, I would also add that an emotionally intelligent partner will take time to find out not just your fun interests but also your career or job. They will show genuine interests in your self development and happily encourage you to improve on yourself and your future prospects. A man who can motivate you and encourage you to be the best you can be is worth much more than the ripped and cut eye candy.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships

40 CREATIVE DATE NIGHT IDEAS FOR THE MARRIED AND THE COURTING

Enjoy.

1. Outdoor Cinema Picnics

Go to see a film with added romance as this summer will see the return of big screenings at Somerset House. Take a picnic, enjoy the glistening sunshine and watch a classic film like Top Gun on the big screen.

Best outdoor cinema locations

2. Bowling

Wait, bear with us. Places like the Bloomsbury Bowl in London are where all the cool kids bowl these days, with a hip cocktail bar and retro diner inside.

3. Dinner with a view

Why not make the date night one to remember and enjoy a three-course meal overlooking the beautiful London skyline. The Aqua Shard or The Duck and Waffle are some of the best in London.

See Red’s best restaurants with a view

Duck and Waffle - London's best restaurants with a view

Duck and Waffle

4. See a Hollywood star in the West End

Take a trip to the West End and enjoy the presence of Bradley Cooper in Elephant Man or Damian Lewis in American Buffalo. A perfect date where Hollywood brings its undeniable glamour to the heart of our West End.

5. Stargazing

Discover the endless beauty of our wonderful night sky and solar system with stargazing at one of the National Trust locations. The Emmett’s Gardens in Kent reveals an array of stars and meteor showers painting one of the most romantic settings for a date.

6. Board Game Night

Whether it is Monopoly, Scrabble or Cluedo, spending the night trying to break out of jail or forming words better than Shakespeare generates an all round fun date night. If staying in is not appealing then why not head to London’s first board game café in Haggerston and let your inner geek side out.

7. Boating in Hyde Park

Relive the famous Darcy and Bridget date and embark on the pedal boats of Hyde Park and row around the famous Serpentine.

8. The drive-in movie

There is something that appeals to everyone at London’s only drive in cinema Brent Cross that in terms of date springs Grease and Danny Zuko to mind. Watch this classic under the stars while having all your favourite snacks delivered to your car.

9. Game, set, match

The best way to enjoy the outdoors and set Wimbledon in your sights. A date at some of London’s free Tennis courts is a perfect way to get active with your partner. Hidden between the trees sits two public tennis courts in Southwark Park whilst Bruce Castle Park in Tottenham features several of the best tennis courts around.

Picture: Getty

10. Cheese and wine night

Cheese and wine are one of life’s best combinations and most enjoyed in the company of the people you love.

11. Comedy Nights

Take a trip to Soho Comedy Club or see one of the best nights at The Chapel this month which both feature some of the biggest names in comedy and the presence of some of the finest comical acts on stage.

12. Rock climbing

Be daring and drive each other up the wall another way. The Arch Climbing Wall in Bermondsey, London features rock climbs for all levels of ability with its 11,000 square feet of bouldering wall.

13. Cocktail night

Attempt a Mojito or Daiquiri at home or head to some of London’s finest cocktail bars. Try 69 Colebrooke Row, which is overseen by Tony Conigliaro, who is considered to be one of London’s top cocktail experts so you’ll taste from the best. Set in Islington, this award-winning bar is one not to be missed.

London’s best cocktail bars

Picture: Getty

14. Karaoke night

We may not have the voice of Whitney or Mariah but a karaoke night is the perfect night to sing along to favourites and take on a duet with your loved one. Head to Karaoke Box in Mayfair for karaoke with style and sing along whilst sipping the incredible cocktails. It features different rooms each uniquely themed.

15. Pub gardens

With summer around the corner, one favourite outing that springs to mind is the glorified outing of pub gardens. The Albion in Islington makes a good choice, hidden amongst the beautiful Georgian streets and its recognition for traditional pub lunches, it is the perfect way to spend the summer evenings.

10 best pub gardens in London

The Albion Islington - 10 best pub gardens in London

The Albion – Islington

16. Tour of a local brewery or winery

Drink your way through the date and sample the exquisite taste of wines from around the world. Head to Biddenden Vineyards in Kent, one of the oldest vineyards in the UK with a wide range of reds and Kentish ciders. Or try The London Wine Academy that makes a great choice if you wish to strengthen your wine knowledge.

17. Strawberry picking

Head to Crockford Bridge Farm in Surrey to hand pick some of the juiciest planted strawberries in the UK. With your gathered collection why not use them in making an indulgent but healthy Clean and Lean Berry Smoothie packed with rich anti toxicants.

18. Afternoon Tea

Afternoon tea never disappoints. From Carberry Tower in Edinburgh to the English tearoom in Brown’s Hotel in London, crowned winner of the Tea Guide’s award, scones, finger sandwiches and exotic tea are something that we always have time for.

Best champagne afternoon teas in London

Fortnum and Mason afternoon tea - best afternoon teas in London

Fortnum & Mason

19. Visit a Castle

There is nothing that represents England more than its timeless history of beautiful medieval castles throughout the UK. Take a trip to Scotney Castle in Kent and take a walk in the exquisite grounds. Or head to Hever castle for its delicious afternoon tea and its challenging mazes.

20. Visit the Zoo

Bring out your wild side and make your way to London Zoo, the world’s oldest scientific zoo. With history tours coming up and a jungle full of adorable animals, this date is hard to beat. The aquarium is the world’s first public aquarium with some of the most exquisite fish in the world.

21. Go skiing

Head to The Snow Centre, London’s real indoor snow slope and put your skiing into practice. Here you’ll find a 160m main slope where you can embark on one of their intense ski lessons.

22. Learn a romantic language together

Spanish is renowned as the language of love so why not challenge each other and learn a new language. The University of Westminster offers evening language courses throughout the summer for cheap and affordable prices. Tell your partner Te Amo to convince them.

23. Chocolate shop tasting

William Curley is one of the largest chocolate shops in the UK and is the perfect place for a sweet date. Scoff your way through these outstanding tasting chocolates.

24. Pottery and creative evenings

Head to Hackney City Farm for their evening pottery classes. It is a great way to spend an evening and regardless of your pottery ability, you can walk away with a deformed wonky vase for your coffee table.

25. Market trip

Take a trip to the gourmet paradise of London with a trip to Borough market where you can sample together anything from street food to an array of delicious baked treats and desserts. Also head to Broadway market for a spot of lunch and wandering, and on Sundays, fight the crowds at Columbia Road flower market.

Picture: Red Magazine

26. Visit London’s quirkiest café’s

For all you cat lovers, a coffee shop has been designed just for you and a perfect place to unwind. Visit Lady Dinah’s Cat Emporium where you can sit back with coffee and cake and enjoy the company of twelve beautiful fur cats. You may not even need to bring your date then.

London’s best concept cafés

27. Hiking

Both free and healthy. Not all dates have to come at a price and often the simpler things in life are what pleasure us the most.

28. Spa Days

Escape the hustle and bustle of every day life and visit some of London’s most tranquil spa locations for the mother of all luxury and relaxation.

K-West Hotel Spa features a unique snow room which stimulates body circulation and offers the ultimate private spa experience. Or why not unwind with a hot stone massage at the Four Seasons hotel in Canary Wharf, which offers unbeatable views of the city.

Best spas for relaxation

Bamford Hay Barn Spa – The Berkeley Hotel

30. Ice Skating

Enjoy a date all year round at the iconic Ice Skating Rink of Alexander Palace. This stunning landmark is the perfect romantic excuse to hold hands and skate the evening away. Then why not top it off with a glass of wine at the Bar and Kitchen that has breathtaking views overlooking London.

31. Get inspired at an art gallery

A trip to the finest art galleries make a great date idea. Why not visit the famous Tate and see the most exquisite collections of British artwork or tag along at the upcoming exhibitions at the Royal Academy of Arts.

32. Sightseeing in your home town

Get your tourist hat on and go sightseeing around London. We often forget to take a moment to explore our own beautiful capital but with sixty years experience, the open bus tour allows you to really explore each landmark, building or monument central to our London skyline.

33. Cookery Classes

Book you and your partner into Kitchen Table Cookery Classes in Somerset to make simple or highly skilled bread and pastry recipes. Or head to the Caldesi cooking school in central London to master the finer art of Italian cooking.

Picture: Facebook / Caldesi Cookery School

34. Get on your bike

Energetic and fun, why not take a bike ride around London’s famous Hyde Park or explore the fairytale Forest of Dean in Gloucestershire and attempt the many challenging trails.

35. Add some magic

Regardless of age, we all dream to ride a broomstick so make the date for everyone and head down with the family or partner to the Harry Potter World in Warner Brother Studios. You will see how the magic was made and encounter a tour that allows you to walk in the footsteps of a wizard.

36. Movie night with a difference

Head to The Electric cinema on Portobello Road or the Hampstead Everyman in North London for cinemas with sofas, wine coolers and waiter service that deliver delicious gourmet food right to your seat.

Getty

37. Visit the beach

As long as Britain’s weather plays ball, why not escape the city for the day?  Botany Bay in Broadstairs, Camber Sand in Rye and Bournemouth beach are all within two hours train journey from London.

Best beaches in the UK

39. Outdoor Concert

Head to Kew gardens this summer and embrace the magical and relaxed atmosphere of its famous concert Kew the Music 2015 which features a fantastic line up of artists and many artisan bars to drink and dance the day away.

40. Love is in the air

See London in a whole new unique way and jump aboard The Cable Cars of North Greenwich. Take to the air as you whisk through the sky from Greenwich to the Royal Docks capturing the breathtaking views along the way.

HOW YOU CAN BE MANIPULATED IN A RELATIONSHIP

Have you ever been talking to someone, and their version of events seems totally and completely different to yours?

This happens a lot, largely because the human memory is imperfect. We all remember things a bit differently to each other.

However, in more severe circumstances, people toy with someone else’s memories to make them feel like they are going crazy. It’s called gaslighting.

Gaslighting is not when somebody has a different opinion to you. For example, you can’t accuse someone of it just because they vote for an opposing political party. It’s a severe manipulative tool people with dark triad personality traits use — but not exclusively — and it is seen a lot in abusive relationships.

It’s mainly used as a power tactic, to make the victim question their reality, and become more subservient. According to psychologist and therapist Perpetua Neo, it is when someone “screws with your sense of reality to manipulate you, causing you to distrust yourself and trust them instead.”

The term is coined from the 1944 film “Gaslight” where a man controls and tricks his wife into believing she is losing her mind — her things appear to go missing, she hears footsteps coming from the attic, and she sees the gaslights dim and brighten for seemingly no reason.

These tactics are on the more dramatic end of the scale, and in relationships the signs can be a lot more subtle. However, Neo lists things she and some of her clients went through, such as having emails and numbers deleted from phones, and being made to repeat things over and over while being backed into a corner.

Even so, in many cases, if you’re being gaslighted you probably won’t notice it’s happening to you.

You might think you are too strong of mind to let somebody have this effect on you — and hopefully you are right — but according to psychologist Stephanie Sarkis on a blog post in Psychology Today, gaslighting is often done so slowly, the victim doesn’t realise they’re being brainwashed.

It’s like the “frog in the saucepan” analogy: where the heat is turned up very slowly on the stove, so the frog never realises it’s starting to boil to death.

Everybody is different, and everyone has different experiences, but according to Neo, people who are controlling, abusive, and narcissistic often follow the same pattern. For this reason, there are several techniques that the people who tend to gaslight others follow.

Here are some of the signs to look out for.

 

Sign #1: Lies

A gaslighter’s main objective is to confuse you. Because of this, they don’t really care whether their lies are blatant and obvious. When they say something that is obviously untrue, they will still say it with a straight face.

Even if you have proof, they will often stick to their guns. This is all a tactic to keep you off-kilter. Eventually, they will attempt to make you believe that everything they say is the reality.

It will start off with something as simple as: “I didn’t say that.” But over time it will turn into something more disturbing, such as threatening to expose you as a liar or a fraud, when really you are neither of those things.

The more sure you are that they are wrong, and the more frustrated you get, the more they will persevere with their lies.

Sign #2: Isolation

Abusive people like to use the people around you as weapons. According to Sarkis, if you have children, a gaslighter will tell you that it was a mistake to have them. They will try and make you believe that you are worthless, and nothing else can compare to how important your relationship is.

They may say tell you your friend actually hates you, or your brother thinks you are useless. These are almost certainly lies, but when they are reinforcing your mind with the same stories over and over again, some of them may start to stick.

“Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what — and they use these people against you,” Sarkis writes. “When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don’t know who to trust or turn to — and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that’s exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.”

Sign #3: Positive reinforcement

One of the most confusing — and effective — things a gaslighter can do is be nice to you. If someone was truly nasty and insulting towards you 100% of the time, the relationship probably wouldn’t have gotten very far. However, when someone starts gaslighting you, they’ve already established a relationship with you that you believe is meaningful.

“Naturally, the abuse persists, and you’re never sure if it happened,” Neo said. “Because the next day, he is so charming or so remorseful — or a mixture of both.”

When a relationship starts with someone abusive — often a narcissist, a sociopath, or a psychopath — they will “love-bomb” you. According to a blog post in Psychology Today by psychiatrist Dale Archer, love-bombing is a tactic when somebody showers you with affection, and makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world.

However, the love-bombing, or idealisation, stage is quickly followed by the devaluation and discard stages, where you start to be insulted and wonder where on earth things started to go wrong.

The idea is that when they take this love and affection away, you will do anything within your power to try and get it back. You blame yourself for them changing the way they acted towards you, and you compromise yourself time and time again to get the perfect partner back again. You can’t though, because that person never really existed.

Gaslighters will throw in the odd compliment, or the rare gift, to make you believe that it’s the real them, and whenever they are angry at you, or abusing you, it’s because you did something wrong.

Sign #4: Projection

If the gaslighting partner is a drug addict, that’s what they will accuse you of being. If they cheat on you, they will say you are the one being unfaithful.

It’s a distraction technique, according to Sarkis, because it keeps you on your toes, and makes you feel like you should be defending yourself. You’re so busy doing this, the gaslighter gets away with whatever they want to.

Sign #5: ‘You’re crazy’

Sarkis says this is one of the most important tactics to look out for. If someone ever dismisses your point of view as “crazy,” you need to really consider why they are doing it.

It’s dismissive and patronising, and it doesn’t take your feelings into account. It makes you feel like you are not being heard. Worst of all, the more often the gaslighter calls you crazy, the more likely you are to finally believe it.

“They’ll use this ‘you’re unstable’ idea to stop you from hanging out with other people, isolating you, or making you give more of your resources over to him,” Neo said. “They’ll tell you things like ‘Look at you, no one likes you’ to dissuade you from hanging out with your friends and family, or point out how these people are bad for you.”

The desired effect: You’re under their spell

Once they’ve worn you down, the gaslighter will have you where they want you. You’ll be agreeable to everything they say and you will no longer question them when they blatantly lie to you. You’ll be confused and disoriented, and feel like you have nobody left around you to trust.

“Because you don’t trust yourself, and instead have been conditioned — rewarded or punished accordingly,” Neo said. “You fade away into a shell of who you are.”

In other words, the gaslighter now has complete control.

You might be more susceptible than others

Some people subconsciously seek out abusive people to date, time and time again. Unfortunately, this means that if you’ve been in a relationship with a gaslighter, you may be more likely to end up in another one.

Certain traits make people more susceptible to falling into these types of relationships. According to Neo, people are attracted into abusive relationships because they are familiar, and they are recreating damaging aspects of their past because familiar feelings are comfortable.

Also, there are the people who have a lot of empathy for others, and they get sucked in because gaslighters know they can prey on that.

“Some women show this co-dependency, by over-giving and over-functioning,” Neo said. “That’s a very common trait I see in my clients. They’re over-empathetic and they tend to feel a lot.”

She added: “When that happens you over-empathise with other people, and you stop empathising with yourself, because you explain everything away for other people. And the empathy starts to drag you down. You get very tired, and when you’re very tired it’s very hard to fight.”

Neo also points out that many of her clients who were in these sorts of relationships were very high achieving women. This seems counter-intuitive, but abusive people enjoy controlling those who they feel are worth controlling. For example, narcissists will show you off in front of their friends, but behind closed doors they will belittle and devalue you.

But it doesn’t stop there

If you manage to get out of the relationship, the gaslighting can persist, Neo warns.

“You find it hard to trust yourself — you let the big bad wolf into your life in the first place,” she said. “You feel like someone’s out to get you. Or, as his mask slips, he may have even told you cruelly how he was out to get you.”

However, she also says the good news is you can heal and you can learn to trust and love again, rather than feel fearful that life is out to get you at every turn. It’ll just take time.

The more aware you are of these kind of traits and signs, the better equipped you are to avoid falling into a gaslighter’s trap. It’s not an exact science — and relationships are complicated — but if you feel like you’re constantly compromising on your own sanity, or defending yourself more than seems normal, it might be time to take a step back and look at what’s really happening.

By LINDSAY DODGSON

Read the original article on Business Insider UK
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5 THINGS WOMEN FIND REALLY HOT IN BED

THIS is what men need to do during sex to really get her going. When it comes to sex, it’s all about having fun and women are no exemption from this

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While men have previously said that women moaning can really get them going, the women of Reddit have reverberated this statement and revealed the hottest things their partners do in bed.

The recent Reddit thread posed the question: “What’s the hottest thing about guys during sex?”

The post garnered over 500 comments and thousands of votes.

Here are the top five things men do during sex that women find ridiculously sexy:

1. When the primal instinct kicks in

“When he gets a bit frantic and primal right before he cums, he’ll often hold me down with extra force or grab my neck or hair and thrust a little harder. It’s so sexy.”

2. Make your moans known

“Dear all men,

Moaning/noises is so, so hot.

Sincerely,

Most women.”

3. When he provides a, erm, neat finish

“When my boyfriend cums inside me. It really is the sexiest experience I’ve ever had and it’s such a turn on knowing that it’s me that’s made him orgasm and he enjoys my body enough to do that.”

4. When he appreciates the moment

“Sometimes he slows down just to take a moment and take me in. He sometimes even just caresses my face. I have godawful self esteem, but in those moments I feel beautiful.”

5. When he takes control

“I think the two hottest things he does are:

1. [When he] grabs me by the hips and bounce me off his d*ck instead of him thrusting

2. When his body shakes after he’s had a really good orgasm. That second one makes me feel great because I know I did a good job making him feel good.”

 

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