Category: SEX & RELATIONSHIPS

Parents Must Give Our Kids A Reality Check About The Issues Of Life

PARENTS. INTERVENE NOW

There is a pressing need for us parents to sit down with our kids, and seriously educate them about the reality of life.

We as parents, need to sensitize them to the fact that life is about UPS as well as DOWNS – both of which they will experience many times throughout their adolescent, teenage and adult lives. Life is not a bed of roses and no one is guaranteed a life of happy ever after. Roses have thorns. and unhappiness also comes after or before happiness.

Let us teach young people that no particular DOWN moment will be their last, and that UP moments do not last forever. It is highly imperative for them to learn the need to move on from any snags or bumps in the road and not stop and stand wallowing in self pity.

Our kids need to be taught to be more mental and cerebral instead of emotional. Many of the kids we are bringing up are much too highly sensitive and emotional, relying more on the dictates of their soft and gentle hearts – instead of engaging and using their brain to make logical decisions while dealing with issues.

This is the main reason why we have so many young people falling into depression and attempting/committing suicide over minor issues such as a girl leaving them or failing exams.

I might also, at great risk of high criticism, add that this could be the reason we have such a huge rate of youth violence and killings…. because aggrieved youths do not stop and THINK logically of the consequences of their actions…but rush out and dangerously act on whatever their current emotional reaction is dictating (anger, fury, jealousy, disappointment, betrayal, or even fear)

The lack of social education in Generation “X” kids is unfortunately leaving them lacking important life skills needed to deal with changing or unpredictable life situations and circumstances and unbelievably, the government and school authorities seem more intent to educate them about sex, than more important and useful social and life skills!

Kids who are overly emotional also struggle academically because they are failing to engage their brain….and spend their days agonising about problems, rather than thinking of solutions.

And cogent, intelligent, rational, logical and strategic ideas almost never emerge from emotional thoughts. Such ideas will only come out of a mental, cerebral, intelligent thought process.
If so many of our young ones are struggling with minor issues of life at such young ages, how then will they cope with adulthood and the myriad of daily issues, responsibilities and problems that come with it? (work, marriage, marital problems, kids, unending bills, debts, family issues, faith struggles, failing health, etc etc)

I recently had a long chat with a troubled youth I had been mentoring. Prone to constant feelings of depression and bouts of crying over minor issues, this youngster, in their early twenties, also had problems making friends and had been struggling academically. Had no hobbies or interests, and engaged in no physical activities whatsoever. And of course, they spent every moment worrying about these problems – until I pointed out the obvious solution to them: Being more active, going out more, thinking of what they enjoy and going out where like minded people will be; making a conscious effort to socialise and talk to people; taking up and sticking to a physical activity such as running, and basically/ practically shaking off that depressing feelings of melancholy when it approaches, rather that welcoming and sitting alone in miserable isolation, embracing it and of course, adopting a more positive attitude towards “things”

It is a choice that needs conscious efforts.

But making these suggestions are simply not enough. This kind of intervention is a process that must be followed up with several sessions of encouragement and assessment to ensure the youth is progressing, and not reverting back to their old depressive ways. Some of them may require professional help and possibly medical intervention.

But they must not be neglected or ignored and assumed as “That’s how s/he is”
That type of assumption could be dangerous.

If you have a teenager who does not talk or mix….. and is content to lock them self up in their room in isolation, THAT, is a warning sign and a possible precursor to more problems in adulthood.

But the problem is many parents – or responsible adults have little or no time to intervene in their charges lives. Also, many of us lack the necessary skills to recognise that there is a problem. A troubled youth will manifest them self in different ways: either to shut them self off from the world and be erroneously classed as quiet, reserved homebody….or act up in frustration and be classed troublemaker – especially in the school environment. Either way, anyone charged with the responsibility of looking after a child either as a parent, teacher, or youth worker must be able to pick up the signs when a youngster is troubled – and engage the necessary intervention, before the kid spirals into more serious trouble, or grow into an even more troubled – and damaged adult.

Sometimes, all that is needed is a frank, sympathetic but direct talk.

And grouping troubled kids together in some referral unit, is simply a dumb idea. They will feed off each others’ emotions and frustrations and become “brothers in frustration”, embarking on more troublesome ways to let off or act up their inner troubles. This is exemplary of many street gangs who go around committing violent crimes – just for the sake of it, and out of the misplaced justification that no one cares about them!

Ideally, each troubled youngster should be dealt with separately, according to each individual and unique needs. Alas, we live in the real world where ignorance and lack of interest in kids welfare seems paramount. Kids are more readily punished for crimes at later stages than being earlier treated for problems that could lead them down the path of crime.

And those who do not make it into crime, grow up to be highly troubled adults – violent, under-performing, self centred underachieving abusive, narcissistic, and passive aggressive partners, parents or employees. All character traits that stem from emotional troubles at childhood.

Parents, take a closer and more active responsibility for your kids.
Intervene now.

©Baronessj

Baronessj.com
9 Sept 2019

Marriage Matterz

2 Wrong Uns…

I just received a distress call from a married friend who joined a whatsapp group called “single & searching”🤔🤔🤔🤔

Well that’s not the problem..

The problem is she found out her husband is the group admin
😱😱😱😱😱😱


Many beautiful relationships have been destroyed because an erring partner has been too proud to say

“Honey. Im sorry, I f****d up”


Your marriage is your life

Sadly, many married folks I see today don’t seem to know the meaning of “husband & wife” They live as rivals & competitors, and in some cases as co lodgers, strangers or even as enemies

Sholdn’t your spouse be your very heartbeat? Your best friend?? Your lover?
So many couples are living together without love, without friendship and without connected hearts. It makes my heart weep.

Many are desperate to have what you have….yet you have it, but choose to squander it. Like a woman who had a baby and flushed it down a toilet…when her very next door neighbour cries herself to sleep every night because of her barreness

Enjoy your marriage. Cherish it. Work at it. Make the best of it.

Life is too short

BJ💋🌺
Baronessj.com

4 Relationship-Killer Mistakes Busy People Make

Often when a married or long-term couple break up, it seems to come out of the blue for one of the two people.

The shocked person might say “I knew things weren’t perfect, but I didn’t realize s/he was that unhappy.” When you’re busy, it’s easy to get tunnel vision. You might be so focused on keeping up with your workload, that you become blind to your partner’s signals that they need your attention. Or you hear these calls but tune them out.

Here are specific mistakes busy people sometimes make and achievable, evidence-based solutions.

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1. Using the justification “I’m doing this for my family.”

Let’s say you’re working long hours because you’re starting a business, or you’re taking night classes in addition to your day job. It’s understandable to think, “I’m ignoring my family now, but what I’m doing will have huge benefits in the long run. Therefore it’s ok.” Even when your motivation is to provide for your family, it’s important not to use this as a blanket justification for ignoring their needs in the present. It can be difficult to repair relationships if you ignore them for too long.

Solution: Recognize that time you invest in your relationship is an investment just like the time you spend working or studying. When it comes to love, the best investments of your time are typically those that show you are emotionally responsive, accessible, and engaged. Take a look at this quiz. The questions are things like “My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. True/False.” How do you think your partner would answer? If you’re brave, ask them to complete the questionnaire. If they answer any questions as false, talk about simple ways you could move to true. Don’t dispute their perception—their perception is what counts!

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2. Not staying aware of your partner’s priorities.

If you’re overworking, your brain might be fully tied up thinking about your own priorities, to the extent you don’t even know what your partner’s priorities are. What’s important to your partner currently? What have they attempted to talk to you about but you’ve brushed them off? It could be repairs that are needed to your home, vacation plans, concerns about your child’s eating habits, or worries about a parent’s ill health. Maybe there’s simply a movie they want to see in theaters before it’s too late.

Try this self-test: Can you list three of your partner’s current priorities?

Solution: Create a behavioral habit that gives you a chance to talk to each other. For example, my spouse and I often take a late night walk. If you regularly drive somewhere together, that might be your chance to talk, or maybe you make a habit of going out for Sunday brunch or chatting when you’re lying in bed on the weekend. Make sure the habit you choose is a time when both people are in a clear headspace to talk. Why a walk often works so well is because neither person is physically trapped in a confined space like they are in a car. Talking while walking can make it emotionally easier to have in-depth conversations.

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3. Brushing off your partner’s attempts to get your attention.

In the book, The Healthy Mind Toolkit, the author writes about how the most important aspect of relationships is emotional trust. A huge part of emotional trust is perceiving that you can easily get your partner’s attention. People in relationships do many micro behaviors aimed at getting the other person’s attention. For instance, if you’re working in one room, your partner might come into the room on the pretense of looking for something. Or your partner follows you into the bathroom to ask you a question. Or attention requests might come in the form of touch or eye contact. Make sure you’re not too distracted and self-absorbed to miss these attempts, dismissively brush them off, or ignore them.

Solution: If you find yourself irritated with your partner (“Why do they keep interrupting me?”) it might be that you’ve been ignoring their requests for attention and they’ve escalated into annoying behaviors. Ways to show your partner they can get your attention include responding with eye contact, physical touch, or by communicating that you were listening.

4. Taking out your stress on your partner.

When people are very busy, they sometimes don’t have many emotional reserves left to deal with small hassles and irritations. This can result in snapping at your partner over little things, being negative, and complaining. For instance, the first thing you do when you come in the door is complain about the traffic.

Solution: Ask your partner to call you out on it when they feel that you’re taking out your work stresson them. When you reunite with your partner at the end of the workday, make sure the first thing you say is something positive.

Wrapping Up

It often doesn’t take much time or effort to be emotionally engaged in your relationship. Micro behaviors like giving your partner a quick touch on the lower back as you’re walking past can go a long way. The main barrier is often that you don’t see these small moments as important opportunities to stay connected. By making a few mental and behavior shifts you can potentially avert relationship disaster.

*Article by Alice Boyes, Ph.D., who translates principles from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and social psychology into tips people can use in their everyday lives.

Woman Suffers Stroke While Having Orgasm During Sex

A 44 year old woman, was rushed to hospital after passing out because she had a STROKE while ‘nearing orgasm’ when her partner was performing oral sex

The woman from West London, passed out as she was nearing orgasm and scans later revealed a blood vessel had burst inside her skull.

Despite only suffering a ‘moderate’ headache when she came round after three minutes of unconsciousness, she was taken to A&E in an ambulance.

Medics didn’t directly explain what caused the stroke – but said changes in blood pressure during sex are ‘well-described’ as a cause of bursting blood vessels.

A blood vessel inside the woman's skull ruptured while she was receiving oral sex from her partner – scientists have suggested the blood pressure rise during sex could make it more likely that an existing weak spot on a blood vessel could burst (stock image)
The unnamed woman was treated at West Middlesex University Hospital in Isleworth, in the London borough of Hounslow.

Her partner, whose sex is unknown, said they noticed ‘her body was stiff’ when they were performing oral sex on her.

Doctors recording the woman’s case wrote in the medical journal BMJ Case Reports: ‘On closer history taking, the patient reported nearing orgasm while receiving oral sex from her partner before losing consciousness.’

They added: ‘She had been otherwise well preceding the event.’

When she arrived in A&E, the woman had normal vital signs and was fully awake and responsive – she said she felt sick but did not vomit.

And she had a headache at the front of her head which she rated six out of 10 on a pain scale.

Medics initially thought she had suffered a seizure but CT scans revealed there was blood between her skull and her brain, showing she had actually had a stroke.

They diagnosed a subarachnoid haemorrhage – an uncommon type of bleeding on the brain – but said it was only ‘small in size’.

the report, the doctors acknowledged that sexual activity has been ‘well-described’ as a cause of blood vessels bursting because it increases blood pressure.

They point out that past research has been done on people having penetrative sex but suggest oral sex could have the same effect.

Older studies with [artery] monitoring during coitus demonstrate that during sexual activity blood pressure, as well as heart rate, is very [liable to change], with particular rises during orgasm,’ they wrote.

To treat the woman the medics did a procedure called endovascular coiling, which involves injecting metals into the artery to trigger clotting and stop bleeding.

She spent two weeks in hospital before being sent home with no lasting problems. The incident is believed to have happened in October 2018.

The woman was revealed to be a regular smoker, occasional drinker, asthmatic and had suffered malaria in her brain in her 20s, but these were not directly linked to her stroke in the report.


HOW COULD SEX TRIGGER A STROKE?

Scientific studies have in the past revealed the increase in blood pressure experienced during sex could contribute to blood vessel rupture.

Researchers say sex and physical exercise share characteristics and may have similar effects on circulation – namely a higher heart rate and blood pressure.

One study said people experience a ‘peak’ in blood pressure and heart rate when they orgasm.

If someone has a weakened blood vessel, such as an aneurysm, a rise in blood pressure could cause this weak spot to burst, scientists have found.

If this takes place inside the skull it could trigger a stroke, potentially having more serious, life-threatening effects.


12 Things Your Man Must Do To Show He Is Your Soulmate

He may see like “Mr. Right” on the surface, but is he a keeper?

Some guys will give an outward impression of caring and attention to your needs that seems like it is all too good to be true. But is it genuine? Sometimes, even though all the signs are there, it may be hard to tell or even something that you just don’t want to see even if others may be telling you so.

But if you are being really honest with yourself, here are 12 things that will really tell you that he’s not right for you:

1. You should be integral to his life.

loving couple 3

This means that he shouldn’t just have you around for a good time, but you should be included in every aspect of his life including his family, making career decisions, and sharing his goals and dreams for his future with you.

2. He should put your sexual pleasure above his own.

Being left out of the very height of a sexual moment over and over again because you have a man that puts his own needs first, can not only be frustrating, it can be downright infuriating. This type of chronic selfishness in the bedroom speaks volumes about how much a man puts your overall happiness above his own. This means someone who gets to know you well enough to understand what turns you on and then makes it happen.

3. He cares about how he looks.

If a man makes little or no effort to look good for you, then he not only doesn’t care about what you think, but he doesn’t care about himself very much either. He should show how much he cares by always attempting to present himself in the best way for you and your friends and family. There may be times where he has had a hard day and the effort may be less than effective, but at least you should know that he tries to make you feel proud to be with him.

4. He should be a “modern man”

Any man that sticks to the old-fashioned belief that a woman must do the laundry and cook all the meals isn’t someone who sees you as his equal. It may also be his selfish way of getting out of doing the most mundane chores and leaving them all to you. That is not someone that deeply cares or respects you, your time, and your relationship.

5. He should take the time to plan a date and not just schedule it.

There is a big difference when a man put a solid effort into making a date special as opposed to just writing it in on the calendar and showing up. If you find your man is not only setting up the date but when you show up, he is giving you a unique time and even an adventure every time you are together, then that is someone who cares enough about you to create quality time and moments that you will both always remember.

 

6. He makes an effort to get to know family and friends.

There is hardly a relationship that will stand the test of time if you are with someone who makes a life apart from you when it comes to being around your friends and family members. If he loves you unconditionally, then that means he also sees those around as part of his life as well and gets to know them as people that support you and love you just as he says that he does.

7. He isn’t stubborn about his beliefs.

You may not see eye-to-eye on everything, but someone who truly loves you is willing to compromise on the majority of things that you are also willing to let go if it makes both of you find a happy medium together. Being with a man who constantly wants his own way and literally demands it, is not only a selfish human being but probably a pretty immature one that doesn’t really know the meaning of love.

8. He keeps flirting with you beyond just the first few months.

When the first sparks of desire are there in a man, they tend to go out of their way to get our attention. If a man truly loves you, that same spark of desire will continue throughout your relationship. Yes, it may fade a bit with familiarity over time, but it will remain a constant part of your relationship when you least expect it if a man truly desires and loves you.

9. He shouldn’t be a bum.

If he can’t hold a job, is constantly borrowing money (and not paying it back), and generally can’t seem to get his career going, this is not a man that cares about your future together. He also sees you as a means to support himself as opposed to a life-partner to build a nest-egg together, So, the burden of responsibility for creating financial stability squarely falls on you. Any man who is that immature doesn’t know what a meaningful and loving relationship is all about.

10. His goal should be your happiness.

loving couple

No matter what the circumstances are in his life, your man should want to put those aside and focus on your happiness. He should never use stress or financial constraints as an excuse to not try, within reason, to get you everything your heart desires.

11. He should care about his health.

How much does a man really care about you if he is willing to ignore his unhealthy lifestyle and risk leaving you on your own prematurely? If he knows that his actions may cause this outcome and he still does it, then he really doesn’t love you at all. Instead, he should face the reality of his unhealthy ways and work to resolve them to live as long a life with you as he can.

12. He shouldn’t ignore you.

If you are trying to communicate with your man at a reasonable hour of the day or night and a reasonable amount of times, then there should be no reason at all for to ignore your calls or text messages. Someone who truly cares about another human being knowns them well enough that if they try to communicate with them, they need them or just want to tell them that they are thinking of them and love them. If he doesn’t know these things about you and ignores you, then he isn’t a long-term man.

“APost”


 

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After The Heartbreak, Healing Comes When You Let God In

On the 19th of October 2018, I posted on my Facebook wall

“Today would have been my 27th Wedding Anniversary…..💍💍💍
But S**T happens. Not every relationship ends in marriage. And not every marriage last forever.

I Thank God for my ex-husband, Mr Olaide Onanuga Soo Sure. We may not have made it as a couple, but you gave me 3 most fantastic kids and you have been the most excellent co-parent. If I had to do it again, I would not choose anyone else to have my babies with”.

I posted the piece above on my social media wall yesterday but I was not prepared for the avalanche of beautiful and soul lifting words that were left for me and that flooded in. The corporate reaction was the very last thing I expected from a simple expression of the significance of the day to me.

I was seriously overwhelmed me….and I am not ashamed to say that some comments actually brought tears to my eyes.

There are many women out there who have had the same experience as me. Hurt, broken, shamed, humiliated and thrown into years of sorrow and depression. But I only started to heal and move on and grow in inner strength when I let God take over and have control. Trust me, ten or five years ago, I would have never been able to write such words. I would have rather swallowed broken glass and washed it down with a glass of detergent spiced with arsenic….)

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Ok maybe I exaggerate – but what I mean is – I have not always felt “this way” about my ex or my marriage but God opened my heart to forgive and my eyes to appreciate the indestructible beauty that came out of the ashes of my broken marriage: Ololade, Mobolaji & Motolani. The gifts that give more joy than any man or marriage can.

And that is why I cannot hold any grudges against the channel through which those babies came into my life.

HEALING COMES WHEN YOU LET GOD IN

For The Brothers: How Not To Attract A Gold-digger

I cringe everytime I see social media posts by men whingeing and whining about gold diggers and women who have scammed them, taken their money and left them bereft and broken hearted.
I also think of the fair share of men I know that their way to “toast” or court a woman they like, is by offering her a reward of cash and properties such as cars, houses, expensive holidays and designer wears.
Many men like to show off and present themselves as that which they are most definitely not, just to win a woman. The not so affluent ones feign success and accomplishments to attract a woman, and the truly accomplished and affluent ones flaunt their wealth to the woman in the hope that that will make her fall for him.
Unfortunately, this behaviour also makes women believe that you are buying their love and they will not be anything other than an appendage, a bought possession, an accoutrement in your life. Something that can easily be replaced when a more attractive and shinier version comes along.
They will also live with the assumption that while they are in your life and being kept by you, they owe you a great gratitude for being the recipient of your generosity.
There is a great difference between the person who you make to feel like you are doing them a favour by being with them and those who are with you because they feel really needed by you.
 
If you go after someone flashing your wealth and other wordly possessions, then that is all they are going to be attracted to.
Gold-digger
Unless you expose yourself, open up your heart and your true vulnerability to someone, then they are never going to be attracted to the real you.
 
Because the person you never offered your heart to, is never going to feel they will have it at any point, so they go after that which is on offer. Many men make the mistake of thinking that when they offer a woman their wealth and connections, that is enough to make them fall in love.
Like the meaningless adage that says “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, believing that the way to a woman’s heart is through your bank account is also ridiculously false. True you will get some women that way, but don’t for a second believe that that guarantees you her heart. Also, be aware that as soon as the bank account dries up and the connections line breaks, they too are out of the door.
Afterall, that is all you brought them in to get, isn’t it? 
A gold digger – or trophy wife expects the gold to keep coming and once she has become accustomed to that lifestyle, heavens help you if you try to keep her from it.
There are of course, women who deliberately go out seeking the “gold-flasher”. Men with means and money who are out to get women with nothing but their assets, or men who simply want a trophy wife on his arm – or in his bed – a stunning, glamorous young slay queen who needs other people’s money to keep herself in style. So like he who wants to kill and the one who wants to die both meeting –  really, there is no story. Both are happy and satisfied.
golddigger
But a man who truly wants a woman who will want him for him, will be a big fool to go after a slay queen, a glamour puss or a gold-digger. And such men who end up getting burnt definitely deserve everything they get. You cannot punch above your weight and not expect to be knocked out!
Unfortunately, these are the whingers and the whiners on social media who have bitten off more that they can chew. Though needing women who can give then real love and care genuinely for them, they have been attracted by shiny, glamorous slay queens who after taking the small change they have flashed, have left their asses for richer gold-flashers!
 
Women are by nature, nurturers.
That is why from the moment a woman gives birth to a tiny little baby, or even from the first moment she feels that tiny flutter in her belly, she is bound to that baby for life. That tiny, innocent, vulnerable, helpless, naked baby that is completely dependent on her for everything – including it’s survival. A mother will do anything and go to any length to keep that baby warm, safe and secure. And the love of a mother for her baby is sacred and unbreakable – even when that child betrays it’s mother or breaks her heart, a mother’s love never dies. Because that love is unconditional and not dependent on any promise or offers from the child.
She gives it freely in response to the baby’s naked vulnerability and dependence on her.
 
So it is also, when a woman feels the genuine vulnerability and honest dependence of another human being – or man, she gives back her all and will do anything to make that person happy. Because she feels needed, wanted and important to that being (or man)
 
men-money-and-gold-diggers-stage-play
 
So the next time you see a lady you really want to be with, do not go telling them you will take care of them, or like a father christmas, promise them gifts and money for agreeing to be with you.
 
This is how you attract “golddiggers”
 
But let them feel like they are the only woman in the world and your life is completely incomplete without them in it.
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Convince her that she is your dream woman that you can open and pour your heart out to…and not a trophy that you must win and show off, and she will love you forever. Even when you are broke and penniless.
If you go out flaunting gold, you will surely by all means, attract a gold digger.
BaronessJ