Category: SEX & RELATIONSHIPS

MY THOUGHTS ABOUT PARENTAL AND SOCIETAL RESPONSIBILITY IN OUR KIDS MARRIAGES

We parents with grown kids really need to start teaching our children that tolerance or submission is not expecting your spouse to be happy with all kinds of foolishness and acts of irresponsibility you can throw at them and then express hurt and disappointment when they react.

Nowadays all I seem to hear is that a woman must tolerate her husband’s carelessness, irresponsibility, disloyalty, unfaithfulness and even neglect – for her to remain happy in her marriage.

The Biblical scripture about a woman’s submission to her husband has also been both hijacked and mis-appropriated to support this widely accepted but wholly erroneous belief.

First, pardon my ignorance, but who can remain happy in the face of all that negativity? We don’t expect to tolerate such behaviour or treatment in the workplace. Why then do we demand that it should be tolerated at home?

Secondly what happened to “it takes 2 to tango; 2 to make a marriage?”

The responsibility for the success of any partnership should rest firmly in the hands of both parties with each doing their bit and fair share of the work.

Our society has single handedly destroyed the institution of marriage by laying all onus on the wife to keep the home while exonerating men of ALL responsibility and giving them a carte blanche to act and behave with impunity and total disregard for their marriage vows, their homes and their responsibilities.

Many men want to be husbands by “ego” and not by effective leadership qualities.

They claim that because the Bible says they are the “head of the home”, then that gives them the right to do whatever pleases them and not expect to be questioned or admonished.

A man that routinely beats his wife or regularly cheats on her will accuse her of betrayal when she decides to leave him. I have also seen men accuse their wives of nagging at the very slightest audacity she displays in asking her husband something as simple as “why are you coming home this late?” or who was that woman you were chatting with for hours”? as if it is a crime for a wife to ask such pertinent questions from her own husband

I shudder when I see the treatment some people dish out to their spouses. Which makes me conclude that love in marriage is highly overrated as many will not treat a verminous rodent the same way they treat the spouse they claim to love!

Unfortunately women today, are responding to their husbands irresponsibility not with the stoic acceptance of their grandmother – but with the deadly sting of an angry scorpion.

Under favourable conditions a woman will respond with soft warmth and adoring devotion to her husband. But an embittered wife can be dangerous and deadly.

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Women today are demonstrating that what their wayward and promiscuous husbands can do, they can do 100 times better. Not content to just sit at home playing good wife with the kids, they too are out of the door, right on the heels of their husbands, playing Social Media slay queen, classless socialite and married prostitute that even Delilah would be jealous of!

Many married women drive expensive cars that their husbands didn’t buy….or that their salary can in any way stretch to. And regularly go on expensive non-existent “business trips” and “seminars” outside the country in the company of imaginary work-mates.

A great number of married men are ignorantly cruising around town in the expensive jeep bought by their wives “side-man”

A growing number of married men are ignorantly raising kids fathered by other men and playing hosts to all kinds of “strange “uncles” and long lost “cousins” in their own homes.

Women, when their dark sides are unleashed, can beat men at their own game. Even until destruction.

“Hell has no fury like a woman scorned”, the Bible says.
Any man who will mistreat his wife in this day and age, does so purely at his own risk!

A beautiful expensive wedding is no guarantee for a happy or successful marriage.

Here in the UK, many of the high class eyewateringly expensive society-weddings-of-the-year, break down within the same year mainly because the ladies are simply not willing to tolerate the rubbish and nonsense their mothers and grandmothers tolerated; staying lonely, neglected and unhappy in a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling their needs just for the sake of being a “Mrs” or to avoid the “divorcee” stigma and shame.

Free from the shackels of the ever present in-laws and judgemental society, UK African wives will waste no time in kicking out a husband who is not pulling his weight as head of the family – not for any other reason than that a lot of these ladies grew up seeing their own mothers being seriously maltreated and treated as doormats and subjugated beings at the hands of their fathers. many of them will tell you they made the vow neer to allow themselves to be subjected to such treatment

As a result, what we see is a continuous coming together of 2 immature people who are desirous to get married – but not yet ready to settle down and BE married. And age, is by no meant an indication of one’s readiness for marriage.

That one is 25 or even 30 does not mean they are ready to settle down. But you can find a 21 year old who is more matured and more bresponsibility minded.

Unfortunately many of us parents push and pressurize our kids into marriage once they get to a certain age – whether or not they are actually ready.

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And marriage should most definitely not be seen as a cure for promiscuity or irresponsibility. Such people will only continue being promiscuous and irresponsible in their marriage thus causing much distress and heartache for their spouses.

We know of the parents of many spoilt, uncouth, unruly and loose kids more or less bullying them to find wives or husbands in the hope that they will abandon their wayward ways once they are married.

It is entirely wrong to assume that marriage will bring about a change in lifestyle. That change should have occurred before one enters into marriage. The decision to change and settle down should come before the decision to get married and not the other way round.

And it also must be a personal and sincere one.

Ladies should also realise that not every marriage proposal must be accepted. A boyfriend that was mostly unfaithful and disloyal to you while you were dating will almost definitely continue the habit after you are married.

The same goes for a boyfriend who beats you and slaps you around.

And a lazy, materialistic, gobby girlfriend is not suddenly going to change just because you put a ring on her finger.

Parents should learn to be courageous enough and reserve the right to withhold their permission for their child’s wedding, if they don’t think they are matured enough to handle the responsibility that comes with marriage. And they have to be honest with themselves both for the sake of their child as well as the other child leaving their parents’ home and tying their lives to your kid’s.

It is our duty as patents to re-orientate our thoughts about marriage and educate our individual children about marital responsibilities when they are younger. Not leaving it to when they are young adults, set in their ways with questionable characters and hope someone else’s presence in their lives will change them. Neither should it be the responsibility of strangers to counsel the couple weeks before the wedding. Kids should be trained and prepared for marriage right from their teens, by their parents.

 

And the notion that only the girl-child needs to be prepared for marriage is an old, unhelpful, outdated idea that has unwittingly resulted in many bad marriages. Our parents got it wrong in only training daughters and instilling in them, the necessity of being a good wife and housekeeper whose main purpose is to keep her husband happy, and forgetting that boys also need to be educated on being a good husband, leader and protector responsible for his wife and kids welfare, happiness and security.

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And worse still, many parents are simply too busy in their own individual lives to be able to give serious life or social skills training to their kids. The desperate lack of these basic skills unfortunately follow many kids into marriage.

And our intervention in our kids lives once they are married, should be kept to the barest minimum.

Harsh as it may sound, visits should be by invitation only and not simply turning up whenever the desire takes us! And that is mostly for us mothers.

Marriage is finishing with singleness, selfishness and childishness. Not an extension of it. Anyone going into marriage should not expect to continue to enjoy the freedom of singleness because once you are married, your life is not just your own anymore. You are henceforth permanently tied, linked and joined to another person – your spouse, and subsequently, your kids.

And whatever you do, uttermost priority must be given to your spouse’s welfare, feelings, security, happiness and care.

And that, not from one, but from both sides.

Copyright

Baronessj.com


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Why Women Are Uncomfortable Getting Head If They Haven’t had A Shower

If you’re sexually active,  and not incredibly selfish, you’ll probably recognise the two situations I’m about to describe. They’re situations in which people of two different genders are offered oral sex. (We’ve gone for him/her because it’s the most common sexual orientation, but that’s not to suggest it’s the most valid).

Scenario A Him: I want to go down on you Her: No thanks, I haven’t showered since this morning. Him: Okay. Shall we just have sex? (This dialogue isn’t the finest showcasing of my talent with words, but you see the point.)

Scenario B Her: I want to go down on you. Him: Cool. That’s the thing about having a vagina. You spend a lot of your life worrying that it smells ‘wrong’.

Somewhere around puberty girls start to believe that everyone else’s vagina smells like Chanel Number 5, and that hers is somehow gross for having a natural human odour. This then creates a situation where women don’t want to have sex, let alone oral sex, if they haven’t showered super recently. Personally I’m unlikely to be able to relax enough to orgasm unless I’ve showered in the last six hours, and I haven’t done anything that might make me sweat, and definitely haven’t been wearing tights (not very breathable for the old vag).

Blokes, however, seem a lot less bothered about this. There’s lots for boys to worry about in puberty – size being the main consideration – but there doesn’t seem to be the same levels of revulsion and obsession with cleanliness. Which might be why almost every woman you know will have a story about a smelly, unclean penis.

In all my blowjob giving years, I’ve never heard a man tell me he can’t get head because he hasn’t showered yet. If a blowjob is on the menu, it’s usually going to be ordered, shower or no shower. And most of the time, that’s not a problem. A bit of a smell of sweat is even quite sexy.

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I’m inclined to say that men have got it right on the topic of oral sex. Obviously no-one should be letting their genitals go feral, and regular showering is important, but it’s also beneficial not to be prissy about sex. Your genitals will probably have a scent to them, and you might have sweat a bit. That’s okay. It’s natural and human and not going to do anyone any harm.

The best kind of sex happens when you’re uninhibited, not worried about smelling, tasting, looking or sounding weird. The more comfortable you make your partner feel, the better it’s going to be.

So, ladies, next time you’re offered oral sex and you’re in the mood and inclined to accept, why not do so, even if you haven’t showered since that morning?

And blokes, if your partner tells you no with the caveat that she hasn’t showered, why not let her know that you don’t mind? Of course you should never push anyone to do anything that they’re uncomfortable, but saying ‘I really don’t mind that you haven’t showered’ gives your partner the opportunity to decide whether it’s their concerns about odour which are putting them off, or whether they’re just not comfortable at all.

Also, please remember that if you have a vagina, sticking the shower head on it before having sex is a bad idea. It might remove any odour, but it will also strip you of natural lubricant and can play havoc with your vagina’s ph, making you vulnerable to infection.

 

Metro.co.uk

Read This Before You Go Online Dating If You Are Over 50

For a few years of her life, author Lucy Cavendish did online dating to death. She had became single at 44 and from match.com and Plenty of Fish to Tinder, she tried them all. “As a middle-aged mother with four children, the mature dating arena was particularly fraught. It was nothing like when I was young and you met people through friends and work”, she said.

Instead, it was like stepping in to a world she no longer understood, that didn’t seem to work in any way she recognised.

Men she thought were single and available turned out to be married and available for only one thing. She became wise to this fact after her friend pointed out that a man she’d been talking to online and was very interested in never happened to be available to ‘chat’ at weekends.

There also seemed to be a particular lingo. ‘Favourite activities’, she discovered, referred to activities in the bedroom, rather than hobbies.

“So I felt for Edwina Currie – probably the only time I will ever have feelings for Edwina Currie” she joked – “when she said that online dating over a certain age is a nightmare”.

ONLINE DATING

 

The former MP was apparently “startled” to discover many daters were only after sex. Mind you, for many middle-aged women, that wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. Lucy actually knows loads of really attractive single women who all looking for sex. Many of them have come out of loveless, passionless long-term marriages and would be more than happy to have a one-night stand.

Lucy also believes that people view sex differently these days citing the example of several couples she knowsn – one who are actually getting married – who started with the sex and got to know each other later.

Conversely, she recalls meeting many men who were terrified of women, especially sexually rapacious ones. One rather artistic South African creative spent an entire evening telling her how distressing it was that women kept on trying to entice him in to bed.

But online dating in your middle ages can undoubtedly be a minefield of subterfuge and pitfalls. After four years in the trenches, Lucy finally met her match.  They had mutual friends on Facebook and he chatted her up by saying he liked her photograph.

They got married just before Christmas.

Looking back, Lucy says “If I am relieved, at 50, to be back out of the dating arena again, I am also determined to pass on my dating tips. Here’s what I wish I’d known before logging on..!

 

  1. No one puts their real age up online. Men who say they are 55 are actually 60 or even older. Also, photos mean nothing.
  2. Saying that, beware of anyone who posts photographs of themselves with their kids/ex/holding a pint of beer/strumming an air guitar/has half the picture ripped off (and it is obviously of his wedding day).
  3. Never, ever go out with a man who says he is “looking for cuddles”. This is not a euphemism for sex. It means he needs looking after and hasn’t grown up yet.
  4. If a man asks “what are you in to?” then what he means is “what sort of sex are you in to?” – if that’s OK with you, proceed. If not, run.
  5. Lots of men may well want sex but they have the same body hang-ups as women and many of them – ahem – no longer have the same libido as when they were years younger. This is a tricky area and one which, when we were all first dating, never had to think about.
  6. Be really sure about what you are looking for – if a man with his own house and a stable income is important, there is no point in dating the sad, miserable one who has been crucified by divorce and can’t afford to buy you dinner. They may be witty and handsome but it’s not going to work. I spent far too long dating men I felt sorry for rather than thinking about what I really wanted.
  7. Be aware that women and men are often looking for different things – some older men are looking for a carer, really. They can’t bear the idea of growing old alone and, underneath all the dating shtick, they are quite happy to put on their slippers.
  8. There are some really nice men out there, but they might be hopeless at dating. I’ve met men who are so nervous that they’ve fluffed the first date – gabbling on about their exes, for example – but got on much better when given a second chance.
  9. Always have a back up plan… I’d send a coded text to my best friend and she’d then text me pretending to be one of my children saying I had to go home immediately. It worked every time and it saves you from being rude.
  10. Be careful to make sure they are who they say they are. If someone chats you up, gets you in to bed but is never around at weekends, he is probably already married.

Guest Bloggers Corner: Signs That Tell You You Are In A Lust And Not Love Relationship

Columnist Amanda Chatel writes:

I’m preparing to move to Paris for about a year or so. One of the major things this involves is getting rid of stuff that I should have tossed forever ago, but just haven’t yet. While tossing clothes and shoes is emotional enough in its own right, what’s really killing me the most is my “box of yesterday.”

True to its name, my “box of yesterday” is a nightmare collection of things from past relationships. I say nightmare, because who saves receipts from Brooklyn Bowl because it has an ex-boyfriend’s name on it? This gal. Who thinks it’s necessary to keep shreds of a ripped T-shirt from a wrestling match after too many martinis? Me, obviously.

The project of weeding through these things and deciding which is reasonable to keep and which solidifies me as a straight-up lunatic has forced me to face a fact: My last relationship, if we can even call it that, wasn’t love at all. Of course, at the time I was convinced it was love, as we all tend to think in similar situations, but in reality it was nothing but lust tangled up with infatuation, and because of it I was the most unstable, crazy, jealous, human being I’ve ever been. Looking back now, I blush at who I was, and that I was capable of such insanity because of a man.

 

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With those days officially in my past and locked there safely so I can no longer touch them, I can see more clearly than ever what I was experiencing. I was not in love with a guy whom we’ll call “C,” but in lust.

Here’s what I learned from it all. If you recognize yourself in any of this, I suggest you run like hell. Now.

1. There’s more fire and less stability

Love — real love — is about commitment and communication. These two important components lead to stability within a relationship. Of course, fire can be part of the equation, but when there’s lots of drama, chaos and more emotional gut blows than butterflies, you’re looking at a lustful situation.

2. You focus more on the outside than inside

I could stare at C for hours. I was so enamored with his beauty. To me, he was gorgeous from head to toe without a single flaw to be found. I was obsessed with his beauty, and relished in the fact that I got to be seen in public with him and got to “tap that” at the end of the night.

3. You prefer the fantasy

From the beginning, I knew C and I didn’t have a future. We were far too similar to have been able to conduct a grown-up relationship, and he was never going to want me the way I wanted him. With him, I acted younger than I was for far longer than I should have — the drinking, acting out, immaturity and irresponsibility were quadrupled when we were together. I didn’t want a “grown-up” life with him; I loved the days on end of debauchery that allowed me to escape from reality.

 

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4. Why aren’t we having sex right now?

Although I loved talking to C, because we did have so much in common, whenever we were together just hanging around or watching a movie, I’d always catch myself wondering, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?” I’m serious. I couldn’t give a damn about the ending to whatever movie was on, if it meant we were having sex instead.

5. You’re not friends

C and I were not friends. For a long time we called each other “best friend,” but the truth was I was in lust, and he was just waiting for something else, something, to use his words, better. Despite knowing that, the lust kept me coming back for more.

6. Intimacy doesn’t exist

Although cuddling can be really satisfying and comforting when you’re in love, when you’re in lust a body against you just feels like dead weight. You’re also likely to ask yourself again, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?”

7. You experience intense neediness

If I didn’t get the attention I needed from C on a daily basis, I felt like my world was falling apart. Was he texting with someone else instead? Was he not home, as he said, but out with someone else? Having sex with someone else? Why isn’t he answering my calls? It was exhausting, to say the least.

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8. The feeling is conditional

Anyone who’s been in love can attest to the fact that love is unconditional. Lust, however, is not. Lust is steeped in gratification without concern to anything else. I could easily sleep with someone other than C and not feel a twinge of regret, but if I were to do the same to the man I love, I’d never forgive myself. Lust has blurred boundaries as to what’s right; love kicks those blurred lines into place.

 

Many people end up in marriages where their lust has been mistaken for love and they wonder why they end up hating each other after a few years. I discovered my ex and I were not friends and we didn’t particularly like each other hence the constant fighting and hostility in the marriage. But the sex was great and even when we were not speaking, we always managed to get the sex going and unfortunately, we mistook this for love. At the end of the day, removing sex from our marriage, we discovered we had absolutely nothing in common.

When a choice of a partner is based more on the pre-set list of physical attributes such as weight, height, looks, colour over more mental. Emotional or some will even say spiritual connections, then the relationship’s entire foundation will rest solidly on lust rather than love.

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To All Prospective Parents In Law: Read This Before You Call The Wedding Planner (Guest Bloggers Corner)

I came across this article by Funke Egbemode purely by accident and I thought I just had to have it on this site. I was most drawn to it mainly because it highlights many of the points that I have personally highlighted on my radio show “Baroness Js World On Naija FM”

Marriage is becoming a risky business by the hour. Instead of enlarging the family, it is reducing it. When your son or daughter marries, you expect grandchildren as dividends. Now, your initial investment gets liquidated in a pool of blood, without recourse to you. One infuriated sick and weak girl just grabs a kitchen knife and carves up your son in a flash, ripping out your heart and dreams of being surrounded by happiness in your old age. One silly boy in a moment of uncontrollable blinding fury stabs your daughter in the throat, leaving you reeling in that kind of pain no parent can recover from. Wives killing their husbands. Husbands killing their wives.

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How did our innocent babies become murderers? How did we miss it? What did we do wrong, or failed to do that is filling our doorsteps with shoes of mourners and our once happy homes with wailings and gnashing of teeth? Did the Bible not promise that our children will surround our tables and that we will not cast our young? So, what is going on? It is bad enough that more and more young marriages are failing. It is already a sad testimony that more women are becoming breadwinners and telling our sons when to snore in their own beds. But this added blood and gore and loss and unending pain… Or are you not worried?

Sure, the latest tragedies happened far from you but they are really closer than you think. If you still think these recent spousal murders do not really concern you, take a look at your daughter, your son and tell yourself you can vouch for the spouses they will end up with. And if your children are already in their 20s and of marriage age, swear you are not a teensy bit concerned about the suitors milling around them. That fine-boy-no-pimples full of smiles and politeness, does he have anger issues? Is he a keeper, a reaper or a taker? That babe who is already calling your son ‘Ayo mi’ (my joy) or ‘honey’, can you trust her with your greatest treasure, your brilliant caring son?

There is no retirement age for parents. We are parents for life. Our job is cut out for us and we must do it with all our heart and might. There is really no short cut. This is our calling until we are called home by He who chose us for this assignment as daddies and mummies. Of course, the temptation to hand over our daughters and our parenting jobs over to our in-laws the day we give them out in marriage will always be there. But it is a temptation we must resist as soon as the effects of red wine champagne wears off. Yeah. Wine-carrying, celebrated destination wedding ceremonies with the captains of industry and 10 governors in attendance is what it is, just another party. The marriage itself begins the following day. And let’s not forget that the young bride and groom had lived a protected life up until their wedding day. They were chauffeured to primary and secondary schools, assisted in picking their universities. Their NYSC postings were arranged by daddy. Their first jobs too via daddy’s connections. This is the first time they would be taking huge steps on their own. They probably will still be using daddy’s mechanic and mummy’s travel agent and caterer. Don’t bother denying it. We are all guilty of over-parenting. We all look forward so much to the days our children will get married that we forget there are things we must do, that is, beyond the small chops and assorted meals from here to China.

Raise your hand if you did a proper background check on your son’s wife before the wedding. Seriously? Yeah.

Let me stress this point then. You must investigate your daughter’s suitor, your son’s intended. Don’t be overly excited by the diamond ring he gave her or the rich family she comes from. You must do your research. You must ensure you are not handing over your treasure to a pig who’ll go play in the mud with it. Most parents hardly ever do that background check before calling the wedding planner. Is he abusive? Does she throw flower vases at television sets? Does his father beat his mother? Is her mother cantankerous? Before you fix the wedding date, make sure you are not funding a ceremony that will put your child in an early grave. That is the pre-wedding warning.

 

 

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However, marriage is the critical point. While I think it is a sin to meddle in your children’s marriage, I also think it is a crime to push our children into the deep end of the pool without providing life jackets. Parents should let new couples totter, falter, fall even but be there to help them back on their feet. Watch from a distance but watch you must, keenly, discreetly, wisely. The fear of failure and what the society would say make a lot of new couples die in silence. Without being intrusive, nudge your daughter or daughter-in-law to speak freely. Call her to accompany you to a party you don’t want to attend alone. Start a topic that will help her open up. It could be a new television series, a movie with a relationship or marriage theme. And being a busy politician or high flying executive is not an excuse. I open such topics with my girls while they are helping me pick an evening dress, do my make-up or while we are watching a movie that I had picked for that purpose. I have also had such intimate talks with my son as he drove us to church.

Fathers, let your son-in-law accompany you to events, golf course, church, mosque. What’s wrong with an occasional barber-date together? Get your grooming Saturday in sync. It helps you see through what they may be trying to hide without asking probing questions. You have gained an extra child and that should be an advantage.

Stop by unannounced occasionally too and make such visits brief, very brief. Take along gifts. Those unannounced visits help you to catch them without rehearsed speeches. Hug the wife, she will wince or grunt if she has been kicked or punched. Does she have puffy eyes, discoloured cheeks or walking with a limp? If every time you go there, there is always a story why a piece of furniture is broken or cracked, one of them may be violent, hurling coffee mugs at the television or kicking flower vases.

And if you discover that one of them is abusive, don’t expect them to sort it out on their own or with their pastor. An abusive wife or husband is a sick person. He needs help. She needs to see the appropriate doctor, it is an emergency. If the abusive partner refuses to get help, retrieve the one that belongs to you to safety. My mother used to counsel that a safe small corner on earth is better than a big space in the grave. You cannot fold your arms and hope she will stop slapping your son while she graduates to stabbing him. If he has pushed her down the staircase once and you leave her there, who will you blame when your church elders arrive with sober faces to break the news of your daughter?

Of course I know my pastor, and many other pastors reading this, will object to my ‘retrieve-your-child’ solution but I prefer my pastor chides me to him telling me ‘it is well’ later. God forbid. If a sick spouse gets help, the marriage can get back on track and everybody gets a chance to live happily ever after. And read the Bible too.

*Funke Egbemode is a columnist,  Managing Director and Editor-in-Chief, New Telegraph Newspaper. She is also the President of Nigeria Guild of Editors (NGE)

Is It Love? Or is It Just Lust? It’s All In The Eyes

Where someone’s gaze falls could indicate almost instantly whether attraction is based on feelings of love or of lust.

Scientists say if the gaze is focused on a stranger’s face, then love is possible, but if the gaze focuses more on the stranger’s body, then the attraction is more sexual in nature. That automatic judgment can occur in as little as half a second, producing different gaze patterns.

“Although little is currently known about the science of love at first sight or how people fall in love, these patterns of response provide the first clues regarding how automatic attentional processes, such as eye gaze, may differentiate feelings of love from feelings of desire toward strangers,” says lead author Stephanie Cacioppo, director of the High-Performance Electrical NeuroImaging Laboratory at the University of Chicago.

Previous research by Cacioppo has shown that different networks of brain regions are activated by love and sexual desire. In this study, the team performed two experiments to test visual patterns in an effort to assess two different emotional and cognitive states that are often difficult to mdisentangle from one another—romantic love and sexual desire.

 

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Male and female students from the University of Geneva viewed a series of black-and-white photographs of persons they had never met. In part one of the study, participants viewed photos of young, adult heterosexual couples who were looking at or interacting with each other. In part two, participants viewed photographs of attractive individuals of the opposite sex who were looking directly at the camera/viewer. None of the photos contained nudity or erotic images.

In both experiments, participants were placed before a computer and asked to look at different blocks of photographs and decide as rapidly and precisely as possible whether they perceived each photograph or the persons in the photograph as eliciting feelings of lust or romantic love.

Quick as a wink

The study, published in the journal Psychological Science, showed no significant difference in the time it took subjects to identify romantic love versus sexual desire, which suggests how quickly the brain can process both emotions, the researchers note.

But analysis of the eye-tracking data from the two studies revealed marked differences in eye movement patterns, depending on whether the subjects reported feeling sexual desire or romantic love.

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People tended to visually fixate on the face, especially when they said an image elicited a feeling of romantic love. However, with images that evoked sexual desire, the subjects’ eyes moved from the face to fixate on the rest of the body. The effect was found for male and female participants.

“By identifying eye patterns that are specific to love-related stimuli, the study may contribute to the development of a biomarker that differentiates feelings of romantic love versus sexual desire,” says coauthor John Cacioppo, director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience. “An eye-tracking paradigm may eventually offer a new avenue of diagnosis in clinicians’ daily practice or for routine clinical exams in psychiatry and/or couple therapy.”

Coauthor Mylene Bolmont, a graduate student at the University of Geneva, Switzerland, contributed to the study.

Source: University of Chicago

NEW LOVE RULES: SOCIAL MEDIA AND ONLINE DATING FOR THE SINGLE AND SEARCHING

Astrid Hall writing in the METRO says “forget a bunch of flowers and a first kiss, the etiquette of modern dating is a minefield”

Finding love online has strict rules, such as a three hour window between initial messages and not making a friend request until wight days of chatting by other means.

After ten days of fancying someone on social media, it is acceptable to “slide into their DMs”

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It then takes a week of online messaging before it’s OK to arrange a date.

A quick google search is allowed, with a third of Brits having been on a date with someone who looked nothing like their profile. But while on that date, it’s bad form to have your phone on the table during a date and you must expect to split the bill….a phenomenon still alien within the African culture.

A kiss by date three is acceptable with things progressing to another level bu the fifth night out. However, move on swiftly if your potential partner sends you picture of their genitalia.

SM DATING

Once love has started to blossom, posting pictures is acceptable after nine dates and you’re also allowed to update your status to “In a relationship”27 days later.

The research was commissioned by MTV ahead of the launch of the new dating site AF. Dating expert annabelle Knight said “The rules seem more complicated than ever. It is no longer about first kiss but direct messages, profile pictures and social media”