I just received a distress call from a married friend who joined a whatsapp group called “single & searching”🤔🤔🤔🤔
Well that’s not the problem..
The problem is she found out her husband is the group admin
Many beautiful relationships have been destroyed because an erring partner has been too proud to say
“Honey. Im sorry, I f****d up”
Your marriage is your life
Sadly, many married folks I see today don’t seem to know the meaning of “husband & wife” They live as rivals & competitors, and in some cases as co lodgers, strangers or even as enemies
Sholdn’t your spouse be your very heartbeat? Your best friend?? Your lover?
So many couples are living together without love, without friendship and without connected hearts. It makes my heart weep.
Many are desperate to have what you have….yet you have it, but choose to squander it. Like a woman who had a baby and flushed it down a toilet…when her very next door neighbour cries herself to sleep every night because of her barreness
Enjoy your marriage. Cherish it. Work at it. Make the best of it.
Often when a married or long-term couple break up, it seems to come out of the blue for one of the two people.
The shocked person might say “I knew things weren’t perfect, but I didn’t realize s/he was that unhappy.” When you’re busy, it’s easy to get tunnel vision. You might be so focused on keeping up with your workload, that you become blind to your partner’s signals that they need your attention. Or you hear these calls but tune them out.
Here are specific mistakes busy people sometimes make and achievable, evidence-based solutions.
1. Using the justification “I’m doing this for my family.”
Let’s say you’re working long hours because you’re starting a business, or you’re taking night classes in addition to your day job. It’s understandable to think, “I’m ignoring my family now, but what I’m doing will have huge benefits in the long run. Therefore it’s ok.” Even when your motivation is to provide for your family, it’s important not to use this as a blanket justification for ignoring their needs in the present. It can be difficult to repair relationships if you ignore them for too long.
Solution: Recognize that time you invest in your relationship is an investment just like the time you spend working or studying. When it comes to love, the best investments of your time are typically those that show you are emotionally responsive, accessible, and engaged. Take a look at this quiz. The questions are things like “My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. True/False.” How do you think your partner would answer? If you’re brave, ask them to complete the questionnaire. If they answer any questions as false, talk about simple ways you could move to true. Don’t dispute their perception—their perception is what counts!
2. Not staying aware of your partner’s priorities.
If you’re overworking, your brain might be fully tied up thinking about your own priorities, to the extent you don’t even know what your partner’s priorities are. What’s important to your partner currently? What have they attempted to talk to you about but you’ve brushed them off? It could be repairs that are needed to your home, vacation plans, concerns about your child’s eating habits, or worries about a parent’s ill health. Maybe there’s simply a movie they want to see in theaters before it’s too late.
Try this self-test: Can you list three of your partner’s current priorities?
Solution: Create a behavioral habit that gives you a chance to talk to each other. For example, my spouse and I often take a late night walk. If you regularly drive somewhere together, that might be your chance to talk, or maybe you make a habit of going out for Sunday brunch or chatting when you’re lying in bed on the weekend. Make sure the habit you choose is a time when both people are in a clear headspace to talk. Why a walk often works so well is because neither person is physically trapped in a confined space like they are in a car. Talking while walking can make it emotionally easier to have in-depth conversations.
3. Brushing off your partner’s attempts to get your attention.
In the book, The Healthy Mind Toolkit, the author writes about how the most important aspect of relationships is emotional trust. A huge part of emotional trust is perceiving that you can easily get your partner’s attention. People in relationships do many micro behaviors aimed at getting the other person’s attention. For instance, if you’re working in one room, your partner might come into the room on the pretense of looking for something. Or your partner follows you into the bathroom to ask you a question. Or attention requests might come in the form of touch or eye contact. Make sure you’re not too distracted and self-absorbed to miss these attempts, dismissively brush them off, or ignore them.
Solution: If you find yourself irritated with your partner (“Why do they keep interrupting me?”) it might be that you’ve been ignoring their requests for attention and they’ve escalated into annoying behaviors. Ways to show your partner they can get your attention include responding with eye contact, physical touch, or by communicating that you were listening.
4. Taking out yourstresson your partner.
When people are very busy, they sometimes don’t have many emotional reserves left to deal with small hassles and irritations. This can result in snapping at your partner over little things, being negative, and complaining. For instance, the first thing you do when you come in the door is complain about the traffic.
Solution: Ask your partner to call you out on it when they feel that you’re taking out your work stresson them. When you reunite with your partner at the end of the workday, make sure the first thing you say is something positive.
It often doesn’t take much time or effort to be emotionally engaged in your relationship. Micro behaviors like giving your partner a quick touch on the lower back as you’re walking past can go a long way. The main barrier is often that you don’t see these small moments as important opportunities to stay connected. By making a few mental and behavior shifts you can potentially avert relationship disaster.
*Article by Alice Boyes, Ph.D., who translates principles from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and social psychology into tips people can use in their everyday lives.
He may see like “Mr. Right” on the surface, but is he a keeper?
Some guys will give an outward impression of caring and attention to your needs that seems like it is all too good to be true. But is it genuine? Sometimes, even though all the signs are there, it may be hard to tell or even something that you just don’t want to see even if others may be telling you so.
But if you are being really honest with yourself, here are 12 things that will really tell you that he’s not right for you:
1. You should be integral to his life.
This means that he shouldn’t just have you around for a good time, but you should be included in every aspect of his life including his family, making career decisions, and sharing his goals and dreams for his future with you.
2. He should put your sexual pleasure above his own.
Being left out of the very height of a sexual moment over and over again because you have a man that puts his own needs first, can not only be frustrating, it can be downright infuriating. This type of chronic selfishness in the bedroom speaks volumes about how much a man puts your overall happiness above his own. This means someone who gets to know you well enough to understand what turns you on and then makes it happen.
3. He cares about how he looks.
If a man makes little or no effort to look good for you, then he not only doesn’t care about what you think, but he doesn’t care about himself very much either. He should show how much he cares by always attempting to present himself in the best way for you and your friends and family. There may be times where he has had a hard day and the effort may be less than effective, but at least you should know that he tries to make you feel proud to be with him.
4. He should be a “modern man”
Any man that sticks to the old-fashioned belief that a woman must do the laundry and cook all the meals isn’t someone who sees you as his equal. It may also be his selfish way of getting out of doing the most mundane chores and leaving them all to you. That is not someone that deeply cares or respects you, your time, and your relationship.
5. He should take the time to plan a date and not just schedule it.
There is a big difference when a man put a solid effort into making a date special as opposed to just writing it in on the calendar and showing up. If you find your man is not only setting up the date but when you show up, he is giving you a unique time and even an adventure every time you are together, then that is someone who cares enough about you to create quality time and moments that you will both always remember.
6. He makes an effort to get to know family and friends.
There is hardly a relationship that will stand the test of time if you are with someone who makes a life apart from you when it comes to being around your friends and family members. If he loves you unconditionally, then that means he also sees those around as part of his life as well and gets to know them as people that support you and love you just as he says that he does.
7. He isn’t stubborn about his beliefs.
You may not see eye-to-eye on everything, but someone who truly loves you is willing to compromise on the majority of things that you are also willing to let go if it makes both of you find a happy medium together. Being with a man who constantly wants his own way and literally demands it, is not only a selfish human being but probably a pretty immature one that doesn’t really know the meaning of love.
8. He keeps flirting with you beyond just the first few months.
When the first sparks of desire are there in a man, they tend to go out of their way to get our attention. If a man truly loves you, that same spark of desire will continue throughout your relationship. Yes, it may fade a bit with familiarity over time, but it will remain a constant part of your relationship when you least expect it if a man truly desires and loves you.
9. He shouldn’t be a bum.
If he can’t hold a job, is constantly borrowing money (and not paying it back), and generally can’t seem to get his career going, this is not a man that cares about your future together. He also sees you as a means to support himself as opposed to a life-partner to build a nest-egg together, So, the burden of responsibility for creating financial stability squarely falls on you. Any man who is that immature doesn’t know what a meaningful and loving relationship is all about.
10. His goal should be your happiness.
No matter what the circumstances are in his life, your man should want to put those aside and focus on your happiness. He should never use stress or financial constraints as an excuse to not try, within reason, to get you everything your heart desires.
How much does a man really care about you if he is willing to ignore his unhealthy lifestyle and risk leaving you on your own prematurely? If he knows that his actions may cause this outcome and he still does it, then he really doesn’t love you at all. Instead, he should face the reality of his unhealthy ways and work to resolve them to live as long a life with you as he can.
12. He shouldn’t ignore you.
If you are trying to communicate with your man at a reasonable hour of the day or night and a reasonable amount of times, then there should be no reason at all for to ignore your calls or text messages. Someone who truly cares about another human being knowns them well enough that if they try to communicate with them, they need them or just want to tell them that they are thinking of them and love them. If he doesn’t know these things about you and ignores you, then he isn’t a long-term man.
On the 19th of October 2018, I posted on my Facebook wall
“Today would have been my 27th Wedding Anniversary…..💍💍💍
But S**T happens. Not every relationship ends in marriage. And not every marriage last forever.
I Thank God for my ex-husband, Mr Olaide Onanuga Soo Sure. We may not have made it as a couple, but you gave me 3 most fantastic kids and you have been the most excellent co-parent. If I had to do it again, I would not choose anyone else to have my babies with”.
I posted the piece above on my social media wall yesterday but I was not prepared for the avalanche of beautiful and soul lifting words that were left for me and that flooded in. The corporate reaction was the very last thing I expected from a simple expression of the significance of the day to me.
I was seriously overwhelmed me….and I am not ashamed to say that some comments actually brought tears to my eyes.
There are many women out there who have had the same experience as me. Hurt, broken, shamed, humiliated and thrown into years of sorrow and depression. But I only started to heal and move on and grow in inner strength when I let God take over and have control. Trust me, ten or five years ago, I would have never been able to write such words. I would have rather swallowed broken glass and washed it down with a glass of detergent spiced with arsenic….)
Ok maybe I exaggerate – but what I mean is – I have not always felt “this way” about my ex or my marriage but God opened my heart to forgive and my eyes to appreciate the indestructible beauty that came out of the ashes of my broken marriage: Ololade, Mobolaji & Motolani. The gifts that give more joy than any man or marriage can.
And that is why I cannot hold any grudges against the channel through which those babies came into my life.
I cringe everytime I see social media posts by men whingeing and whining about gold diggers and women who have scammed them, taken their money and left them bereft and broken hearted.
I also think of the fair share of men I know that their way to “toast” or court a woman they like, is by offering her a reward of cash and properties such as cars, houses, expensive holidays and designer wears.
Many men like to show off and present themselves as that which they are most definitely not, just to win a woman. The not so affluent ones feign success and accomplishments to attract a woman, and the truly accomplished and affluent ones flaunt their wealth to the woman in the hope that that will make her fall for him.
Unfortunately, this behaviour also makes women believe that you are buying their love and they will not be anything other than an appendage, a bought possession, an accoutrement in your life. Something that can easily be replaced when a more attractive and shinier version comes along.
They will also live with the assumption that while they are in your life and being kept by you, they owe you a great gratitude for being the recipient of your generosity.
There is a great difference between the person who you make to feel like you are doing them a favour by being with them and those who are with you because they feel really needed by you.
If you go after someone flashing your wealth and other wordly possessions, then that is all they are going to be attracted to.
Unless you expose yourself, open up your heart and your true vulnerability to someone, then they are never going to be attracted to the real you.
Because the person you never offered your heart to, is never going to feel they will have it at any point, so they go after that which is on offer. Many men make the mistake of thinking that when they offer a woman their wealth and connections, that is enough to make them fall in love.
Like the meaningless adage that says “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, believing that the way to a woman’s heart is through your bank account is also ridiculously false. True you will get some women that way, but don’t for a second believe that that guarantees you her heart. Also, be aware that as soon as the bank account dries up and the connections line breaks, they too are out of the door.
Afterall, that is all you brought them in to get, isn’t it?
A gold digger – or trophy wife expects the gold to keep coming and once she has become accustomed to that lifestyle, heavens help you if you try to keep her from it.
There are of course, women who deliberately go out seeking the “gold-flasher”. Men with means and money who are out to get women with nothing but their assets, or men who simply want a trophy wife on his arm – or in his bed – a stunning, glamorous young slay queen who needs other people’s money to keep herself in style. So like he who wants to kill and the one who wants to die both meeting – really, there is no story. Both are happy and satisfied.
But a man who truly wants a woman who will want him for him, will be a big fool to go after a slay queen, a glamour puss or a gold-digger. And such men who end up getting burnt definitely deserve everything they get. You cannot punch above your weight and not expect to be knocked out!
Unfortunately, these are the whingers and the whiners on social media who have bitten off more that they can chew. Though needing women who can give then real love and care genuinely for them, they have been attracted by shiny, glamorous slay queens who after taking the small change they have flashed, have left their asses for richer gold-flashers!
Women are by nature, nurturers.
That is why from the moment a woman gives birth to a tiny little baby, or even from the first moment she feels that tiny flutter in her belly, she is bound to that baby for life. That tiny, innocent, vulnerable, helpless, naked baby that is completely dependent on her for everything – including it’s survival. A mother will do anything and go to any length to keep that baby warm, safe and secure. And the love of a mother for her baby is sacred and unbreakable – even when that child betrays it’s mother or breaks her heart, a mother’s love never dies. Because that love is unconditional and not dependent on any promise or offers from the child.
She gives it freely in response to the baby’s naked vulnerability and dependence on her.
So it is also, when a woman feels the genuine vulnerability and honest dependence of another human being – or man, she gives back her all and will do anything to make that person happy. Because she feels needed, wanted and important to that being (or man)
So the next time you see a lady you really want to be with, do not go telling them you will take care of them, or like a father christmas, promise them gifts and money for agreeing to be with you.
This is how you attract “golddiggers”
But let them feel like they are the only woman in the world and your life is completely incomplete without them in it.
Convince her that she is your dream woman that you can open and pour your heart out to…and not a trophy that you must win and show off, and she will love you forever. Even when you are broke and penniless.
If you go out flaunting gold, you will surely by all means, attract a gold digger.
Unconsummated relationships, where couples don’t have sex due to difficulties, trauma or sexual dysfunction are not often spoken about.
Usually, the couple feel embarrassed to discuss their sexual difficulties – but they are not alone. According to an AXA PPP survey, a third of Brits are fearful of getting naked, largely due to body image and self esteem issues. But nerves around body image aren’t the only reason couples aren’t able to consummate their relationships.
Why aren’t couples having sex? Sarah-Jane Otoo, psychosexual therapist at Priory Wellbeing Centre Birmingham, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Unconsummated relationships including marriages are largely unspoken about and the reasons behind them are often complex. ‘Some of the most common reasons are from a psychological viewpoint and include a general lack of education around sexual intercourse, fear, anxiety, shame and/or past trauma. ‘In addition, sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, performance anxiety in males and vaginismus in females has been reported in several studies as well as vulvodynia, an often unbearable pain when the genitals are touched’.
Relationships expert Ben Edwards expands on this, telling us: ‘Post-traumatic stress and the psychological damage from past sexual abuse, low self-esteem or unhealthy relationships can be very hard to overcome.’ We must not overlook the impact of sexual trauma and mental health issues.
A lady who has bipolar disorder, which dramatically affects her sex drive says. ‘I can sometimes see a decreased or lack of libido, due to my bipolar disorder,’ ‘During periods of depression, she tells Metro.co.uk, my self-esteem tends to plummet.
‘Mixed with decreased energy and an increase in apathy, my body rejects physical intimacy in favour of seeking emotional nourishment. ‘I suffer from frequent bouts of hypersexuality. I am unable to receive any satisfaction from sexual intimacy and am often in pain or discomfort because of this.’
This patient takes medication, but like many taking pills for their mental wellbeing, has found that this has an effect on her sex drive, too. ‘A medication increase has caused me to have loss of libido,’ she explains. ‘Gaining weight from medication has contributed to my struggles.’ For her, the key is being able to communicate with a partner who understands her struggles. ‘Libido changes are a chronic challenge,’ she says. ‘Maintaining open dialogue with my partner has helped to ease the anxiety. ‘Sex is an emotional act as well as physical; we discuss the struggles and have seen progress. Therapy has also been a relief. Our strong emotional connection has allowed us to make it through.’
Another lady says anorexia has brought on issues with intimacy. ‘My body image is awful,’ she tells us. ‘I am embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look and it takes me an extremely long time to feel comfortable with men. ‘It’s been the cause of many of relationships endings. Ironically, my eating disorder started at age 19 in large part due to a guy telling me I was overweight so it’s something I’ve never shaken off.
‘I had a lot of negative thoughts about my body during sex so wasn’t able to enjoy the moment, don’t enjoy being touched or looked at, and have difficulty relaxing. ‘If I had eaten too much, was having a bad day or stressed, then the eating disorder symptoms would creep in and I wouldn’t be able to have sex. ‘Counselling has helped me somewhat and taking things very slowly so I build up trust.’
Kate Moyle, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist, explains that anxiety is a common factor for a lack of sex in a relationship. ‘Every couple is unique and will have their own reasons and experiences for not consummating their relationship,’ she tells us. ‘These situations are often linked to some form of anxiety around sex which can in some instances impact sexual functioning.
Some people may struggle with intimacy.’ For Sarah, 35, who has borderline personality disorder, that anxiety comes from a lack of self-confidence as well as a lingering shame around sex. ‘My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 12,’ Sarah tells us. ‘I always felt very prudish talking about sex due to my family background, before, during or after. ‘I was told not to have sex before marriage, so it always felt dirty and wrong. ‘My mental health issues mean my self confidence is rock bottom. I’m at my heaviest weight and although occasionally I enjoy sex, I mainly do it so he doesn’t leave me. ‘We had marriage counselling which helped for a while, but nothing really helps. ‘My husband manages to stay with me. He says he misses not having more sex but he says it would never be a cause to leave me. I wish I could be more confident.’ So what can you do if you need help with psychosexual issues? The main remedies are psychosexual therapy, counselling and working on communication, touch and intimacy. (Picture: Erin Aniker/Metro.co.uk)
Sarah Jane Otoo says: ‘It is important to remember that not one person in the relationship has the “problem”; you are both impacted. Psychosexual relationship therapy can be beneficial to help support couples that are experiencing problems with sex. ‘People may choose to enter therapy individually; however it is often advised for couples to enter therapy together. By giving them a safe and confidential space, they may be able to come to a place of understanding.’ Ben Edwards recommends understanding each other’s reasons for a lack of sexual desire or drive, and to avoid blame or shame. ‘When working with my clients on their relationships, I encourage them to understand each other’s “why”,’ he states. ‘We all have our reasons for wanting certain things and you must communicate this to your partner.