On the 19th of October 2018, I posted on my Facebook wall
“Today would have been my 27th Wedding Anniversary…..💍💍💍
But S**T happens. Not every relationship ends in marriage. And not every marriage last forever.
I Thank God for my ex-husband, Mr Olaide Onanuga Soo Sure. We may not have made it as a couple, but you gave me 3 most fantastic kids and you have been the most excellent co-parent. If I had to do it again, I would not choose anyone else to have my babies with”.
I posted the piece above on my social media wall yesterday but I was not prepared for the avalanche of beautiful and soul lifting words that were left for me and that flooded in. The corporate reaction was the very last thing I expected from a simple expression of the significance of the day to me.
I was seriously overwhelmed me….and I am not ashamed to say that some comments actually brought tears to my eyes.
There are many women out there who have had the same experience as me. Hurt, broken, shamed, humiliated and thrown into years of sorrow and depression. But I only started to heal and move on and grow in inner strength when I let God take over and have control. Trust me, ten or five years ago, I would have never been able to write such words. I would have rather swallowed broken glass and washed it down with a glass of detergent spiced with arsenic….)
Ok maybe I exaggerate – but what I mean is – I have not always felt “this way” about my ex or my marriage but God opened my heart to forgive and my eyes to appreciate the indestructible beauty that came out of the ashes of my broken marriage: Ololade, Mobolaji & Motolani. The gifts that give more joy than any man or marriage can.
And that is why I cannot hold any grudges against the channel through which those babies came into my life.
I cringe everytime I see social media posts by men whingeing and whining about gold diggers and women who have scammed them, taken their money and left them bereft and broken hearted.
I also think of the fair share of men I know that their way to “toast” or court a woman they like, is by offering her a reward of cash and properties such as cars, houses, expensive holidays and designer wears.
Many men like to show off and present themselves as that which they are most definitely not, just to win a woman. The not so affluent ones feign success and accomplishments to attract a woman, and the truly accomplished and affluent ones flaunt their wealth to the woman in the hope that that will make her fall for him.
Unfortunately, this behaviour also makes women believe that you are buying their love and they will not be anything other than an appendage, a bought possession, an accoutrement in your life. Something that can easily be replaced when a more attractive and shinier version comes along.
They will also live with the assumption that while they are in your life and being kept by you, they owe you a great gratitude for being the recipient of your generosity.
There is a great difference between the person who you make to feel like you are doing them a favour by being with them and those who are with you because they feel really needed by you.
If you go after someone flashing your wealth and other wordly possessions, then that is all they are going to be attracted to.
Unless you expose yourself, open up your heart and your true vulnerability to someone, then they are never going to be attracted to the real you.
Because the person you never offered your heart to, is never going to feel they will have it at any point, so they go after that which is on offer. Many men make the mistake of thinking that when they offer a woman their wealth and connections, that is enough to make them fall in love.
Like the meaningless adage that says “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, believing that the way to a woman’s heart is through your bank account is also ridiculously false. True you will get some women that way, but don’t for a second believe that that guarantees you her heart. Also, be aware that as soon as the bank account dries up and the connections line breaks, they too are out of the door.
Afterall, that is all you brought them in to get, isn’t it?
A gold digger – or trophy wife expects the gold to keep coming and once she has become accustomed to that lifestyle, heavens help you if you try to keep her from it.
There are of course, women who deliberately go out seeking the “gold-flasher”. Men with means and money who are out to get women with nothing but their assets, or men who simply want a trophy wife on his arm – or in his bed – a stunning, glamorous young slay queen who needs other people’s money to keep herself in style. So like he who wants to kill and the one who wants to die both meeting – really, there is no story. Both are happy and satisfied.
But a man who truly wants a woman who will want him for him, will be a big fool to go after a slay queen, a glamour puss or a gold-digger. And such men who end up getting burnt definitely deserve everything they get. You cannot punch above your weight and not expect to be knocked out!
Unfortunately, these are the whingers and the whiners on social media who have bitten off more that they can chew. Though needing women who can give then real love and care genuinely for them, they have been attracted by shiny, glamorous slay queens who after taking the small change they have flashed, have left their asses for richer gold-flashers!
Women are by nature, nurturers.
That is why from the moment a woman gives birth to a tiny little baby, or even from the first moment she feels that tiny flutter in her belly, she is bound to that baby for life. That tiny, innocent, vulnerable, helpless, naked baby that is completely dependent on her for everything – including it’s survival. A mother will do anything and go to any length to keep that baby warm, safe and secure. And the love of a mother for her baby is sacred and unbreakable – even when that child betrays it’s mother or breaks her heart, a mother’s love never dies. Because that love is unconditional and not dependent on any promise or offers from the child.
She gives it freely in response to the baby’s naked vulnerability and dependence on her.
So it is also, when a woman feels the genuine vulnerability and honest dependence of another human being – or man, she gives back her all and will do anything to make that person happy. Because she feels needed, wanted and important to that being (or man)
So the next time you see a lady you really want to be with, do not go telling them you will take care of them, or like a father christmas, promise them gifts and money for agreeing to be with you.
This is how you attract “golddiggers”
But let them feel like they are the only woman in the world and your life is completely incomplete without them in it.
Convince her that she is your dream woman that you can open and pour your heart out to…and not a trophy that you must win and show off, and she will love you forever. Even when you are broke and penniless.
If you go out flaunting gold, you will surely by all means, attract a gold digger.
Unconsummated relationships, where couples don’t have sex due to difficulties, trauma or sexual dysfunction are not often spoken about.
Usually, the couple feel embarrassed to discuss their sexual difficulties – but they are not alone. According to an AXA PPP survey, a third of Brits are fearful of getting naked, largely due to body image and self esteem issues. But nerves around body image aren’t the only reason couples aren’t able to consummate their relationships.
Why aren’t couples having sex? Sarah-Jane Otoo, psychosexual therapist at Priory Wellbeing Centre Birmingham, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Unconsummated relationships including marriages are largely unspoken about and the reasons behind them are often complex. ‘Some of the most common reasons are from a psychological viewpoint and include a general lack of education around sexual intercourse, fear, anxiety, shame and/or past trauma. ‘In addition, sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, performance anxiety in males and vaginismus in females has been reported in several studies as well as vulvodynia, an often unbearable pain when the genitals are touched’.
Relationships expert Ben Edwards expands on this, telling us: ‘Post-traumatic stress and the psychological damage from past sexual abuse, low self-esteem or unhealthy relationships can be very hard to overcome.’ We must not overlook the impact of sexual trauma and mental health issues.
A lady who has bipolar disorder, which dramatically affects her sex drive says. ‘I can sometimes see a decreased or lack of libido, due to my bipolar disorder,’ ‘During periods of depression, she tells Metro.co.uk, my self-esteem tends to plummet.
‘Mixed with decreased energy and an increase in apathy, my body rejects physical intimacy in favour of seeking emotional nourishment. ‘I suffer from frequent bouts of hypersexuality. I am unable to receive any satisfaction from sexual intimacy and am often in pain or discomfort because of this.’
This patient takes medication, but like many taking pills for their mental wellbeing, has found that this has an effect on her sex drive, too. ‘A medication increase has caused me to have loss of libido,’ she explains. ‘Gaining weight from medication has contributed to my struggles.’ For her, the key is being able to communicate with a partner who understands her struggles. ‘Libido changes are a chronic challenge,’ she says. ‘Maintaining open dialogue with my partner has helped to ease the anxiety. ‘Sex is an emotional act as well as physical; we discuss the struggles and have seen progress. Therapy has also been a relief. Our strong emotional connection has allowed us to make it through.’
Another lady says anorexia has brought on issues with intimacy. ‘My body image is awful,’ she tells us. ‘I am embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look and it takes me an extremely long time to feel comfortable with men. ‘It’s been the cause of many of relationships endings. Ironically, my eating disorder started at age 19 in large part due to a guy telling me I was overweight so it’s something I’ve never shaken off.
‘I had a lot of negative thoughts about my body during sex so wasn’t able to enjoy the moment, don’t enjoy being touched or looked at, and have difficulty relaxing. ‘If I had eaten too much, was having a bad day or stressed, then the eating disorder symptoms would creep in and I wouldn’t be able to have sex. ‘Counselling has helped me somewhat and taking things very slowly so I build up trust.’
Kate Moyle, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist, explains that anxiety is a common factor for a lack of sex in a relationship. ‘Every couple is unique and will have their own reasons and experiences for not consummating their relationship,’ she tells us. ‘These situations are often linked to some form of anxiety around sex which can in some instances impact sexual functioning.
Some people may struggle with intimacy.’ For Sarah, 35, who has borderline personality disorder, that anxiety comes from a lack of self-confidence as well as a lingering shame around sex. ‘My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 12,’ Sarah tells us. ‘I always felt very prudish talking about sex due to my family background, before, during or after. ‘I was told not to have sex before marriage, so it always felt dirty and wrong. ‘My mental health issues mean my self confidence is rock bottom. I’m at my heaviest weight and although occasionally I enjoy sex, I mainly do it so he doesn’t leave me. ‘We had marriage counselling which helped for a while, but nothing really helps. ‘My husband manages to stay with me. He says he misses not having more sex but he says it would never be a cause to leave me. I wish I could be more confident.’ So what can you do if you need help with psychosexual issues? The main remedies are psychosexual therapy, counselling and working on communication, touch and intimacy. (Picture: Erin Aniker/Metro.co.uk)
Sarah Jane Otoo says: ‘It is important to remember that not one person in the relationship has the “problem”; you are both impacted. Psychosexual relationship therapy can be beneficial to help support couples that are experiencing problems with sex. ‘People may choose to enter therapy individually; however it is often advised for couples to enter therapy together. By giving them a safe and confidential space, they may be able to come to a place of understanding.’ Ben Edwards recommends understanding each other’s reasons for a lack of sexual desire or drive, and to avoid blame or shame. ‘When working with my clients on their relationships, I encourage them to understand each other’s “why”,’ he states. ‘We all have our reasons for wanting certain things and you must communicate this to your partner.
An orgasm is a feeling of intense sexual pleasure that happens during sexual activity. … In women, an intense pleasurable release of sexual tension is accompanied by contractions of the genital muscles.
Many who are by now well used to the idea of having an orgasm after sex will also know that you don’t need a reason to have an orgasm. Organisms are glorious natural parts of sex and should be celebrated.
But in case you did need an excuse, here’s one plus a load more. Orgasms come with a number of health benefits of orgasms we’ve listed below.
1 Stress Reduction
An orgasm is an instant stress reducer That’s because reaching climax floods your body with feelgood hormones such as oxytocin, which reduce stress. Plus the process of reaching an orgasm distracts you from any worries or lingering things on your to-do list. It’s tricky to worry about how full your inbox is when your, um, filling your other inbox.
2. It’s good for your skin
Having an orgasm increases blood flow to the skin, which will help with reducing wrinkles and repairing damage. Brilliant. The reduction of stress we mentioned earlier helps too, as a reduction of stress hormones lowers inflammation, which is connected to acne and redness. Immediately after an orgasm you’ll get a glow thanks to getting your blood bumping, and longterm you could have smoother, blemish-free skin (although, sadly, no research has yet been done into how many orgasms you need to have to match the benefits of an excellent skincare routine).
3. Orgasms can get rid of headaches And other aches and pains.
That’s thanks to the pleasure hormones released by orgasms – dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin – which also handily reduce the sensation of pain. Just a warning though: Some people find that orgasms actually bring on headaches. It’s thought this is due to strenuous activity, and you can deal with any postcoital headaches by popping a painkiller before a bone sesh and following up your lovemaking with a drink of water and a lie-down. Sexy.
4. They could help with migraines
Anyone who’s been through the hell of migraines will jump for anything that promises to reduce the struggle. While we wouldn’t suggest swapping medication for sex (if your medication is working for you, please keep using it), the links between orgasms and migraine relief are promising enough to make sex an option when nothing else is doing the trick. In one study, 47% of people with migraines felt complete relief after an orgasm. That being said, 49.1% felt no relief, and 5.3% said an orgasm made their migraine worse. So it’s a bit of a gamble. Researchers compared the benefits of orgasm to that of medications and found that orgasms are a significantly less effective fix, but that when they do work to reduce migraine symptoms, they do so speedily. Worth a go, right?
5. Having an orgasm will help you get to sleep
We all know sleep is incredibly important for our physical and mental wellbeing – so anything that helps us ease into sleep is brilliant. Again, this benefit is all down to the hormones released by orgasm. Stress reduction will always help with sleep, while serotonin and norepinephrine – both released by orgasm – are important players in helping the body go through REM cycles. Research has also found that the better your sleep is, the better your sex life is, so it’s a lovely symbiotic relationship. (backgrounds have been changed)
6. Getting off can help your digestion
Yep, it’s that oxytocin again. The body is aaaall connected, and having increased oxytocin levels and lower levels of stress will mean your tummy works better, too. Congrats.
7. Orgasms aid muscle recovery
That’s thanks to the increased blood flow brought on by orgasm, and it’s why we recommend anyone training for a marathon spends some time having sex (alone or with a partner) on their rest days. Increased blood flow will ease aching muscles and help the body recover from exercise more quickly, so treat yourself to an orgasm post-workout.
8. An orgasm can help you avoid infections
The hormones triggered by blowing the old sex trumpet boost your immune system, increasing your body’s ability to make protective antibodies against bacteria and germs linked to common illnesses. That means that having plenty of orgasms will offer you some protection from getting sick, and will make your cold last a little less time than someone not buttering their crumpet. Of course, you can’t treat your body like rubbish, whack in a few sex sessions, and expect to never get sick again. No orgasm is powerful enough to counteract a terrible diet, a lack of sleep, and having vaccinations. But if a bug’s going round the office, it’s worth spending some time at home masturbating.
9. It’s good for your heart
When you have an orgasm, your peak heart rate tends to be the same as it would be during light exercise, such as walking upstairs. That’s nothing major, but it’s a little boost for your heart health. The physical exertion used to get you to orgasm helps, too.
We parents with grown kids really need to start teaching our children that tolerance or submission is not expecting your spouse to be happy with all kinds of foolishness and acts of irresponsibility you can throw at them and then express hurt and disappointment when they react.
Nowadays all I seem to hear is that a woman must tolerate her husband’s carelessness, irresponsibility, disloyalty, unfaithfulness and even neglect – for her to remain happy in her marriage.
The Biblical scripture about a woman’s submission to her husband has also been both hijacked and mis-appropriated to support this widely accepted but wholly erroneous belief.
First, pardon my ignorance, but who can remain happy in the face of all that negativity? We don’t expect to tolerate such behaviour or treatment in the workplace. Why then do we demand that it should be tolerated at home?
Secondly what happened to “it takes 2 to tango; 2 to make a marriage?”
The responsibility for the success of any partnership should rest firmly in the hands of both parties with each doing their bit and fair share of the work.
Our society has single handedly destroyed the institution of marriage by laying all onus on the wife to keep the home while exonerating men of ALL responsibility and giving them a carte blanche to act and behave with impunity and total disregard for their marriage vows, their homes and their responsibilities.
Many men want to be husbands by “ego” and not by effective leadership qualities.
They claim that because the Bible says they are the “head of the home”, then that gives them the right to do whatever pleases them and not expect to be questioned or admonished.
A man that routinely beats his wife or regularly cheats on her will accuse her of betrayal when she decides to leave him. I have also seen men accuse their wives of nagging at the very slightest audacity she displays in asking her husband something as simple as “why are you coming home this late?” or who was that woman you were chatting with for hours”? as if it is a crime for a wife to ask such pertinent questions from her own husband
I shudder when I see the treatment some people dish out to their spouses. Which makes me conclude that love in marriage is highly overrated as many will not treat a verminous rodent the same way they treat the spouse they claim to love!
Unfortunately women today, are responding to their husbands irresponsibility not with the stoic acceptance of their grandmother – but with the deadly sting of an angry scorpion.
Under favourable conditions a woman will respond with soft warmth and adoring devotion to her husband. But an embittered wife can be dangerous and deadly.
Women today are demonstrating that what their wayward and promiscuous husbands can do, they can do 100 times better. Not content to just sit at home playing good wife with the kids, they too are out of the door, right on the heels of their husbands, playing Social Media slay queen, classless socialite and married prostitute that even Delilah would be jealous of!
Many married women drive expensive cars that their husbands didn’t buy….or that their salary can in any way stretch to. And regularly go on expensive non-existent “business trips” and “seminars” outside the country in the company of imaginary work-mates.
A great number of married men are ignorantly cruising around town in the expensive jeep bought by their wives “side-man”
A growing number of married men are ignorantly raising kids fathered by other men and playing hosts to all kinds of “strange “uncles” and long lost “cousins” in their own homes.
Women, when their dark sides are unleashed, can beat men at their own game. Even until destruction.
“Hell has no fury like a woman scorned”, the Bible says.
Any man who will mistreat his wife in this day and age, does so purely at his own risk!
Here in the UK, many of the high class eyewateringly expensive society-weddings-of-the-year, break down within the same year mainly because the ladies are simply not willing to tolerate the rubbish and nonsense their mothers and grandmothers tolerated; staying lonely, neglected and unhappy in a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling their needs just for the sake of being a “Mrs” or to avoid the “divorcee” stigma and shame.
Free from the shackels of the ever present in-laws and judgemental society, UK African wives will waste no time in kicking out a husband who is not pulling his weight as head of the family – not for any other reason than that a lot of these ladies grew up seeing their own mothers being seriously maltreated and treated as doormats and subjugated beings at the hands of their fathers. many of them will tell you they made the vow neer to allow themselves to be subjected to such treatment
As a result, what we see is a continuous coming together of 2 immature people who are desirous to get married – but not yet ready to settle down and BE married. And age, is by no meant an indication of one’s readiness for marriage.
That one is 25 or even 30 does not mean they are ready to settle down. But you can find a 21 year old who is more matured and more bresponsibility minded.
Unfortunately many of us parents push and pressurize our kids into marriage once they get to a certain age – whether or not they are actually ready.
And marriage should most definitely not be seen as a cure for promiscuity or irresponsibility. Such people will only continue being promiscuous and irresponsible in their marriage thus causing much distress and heartache for their spouses.
We know of the parents of many spoilt, uncouth, unruly and loose kids more or less bullying them to find wives or husbands in the hope that they will abandon their wayward ways once they are married.
It is entirely wrong to assume that marriage will bring about a change in lifestyle. That change should have occurred before one enters into marriage. The decision to change and settle down should come before the decision to get married and not the other way round.
And it also must be a personal and sincere one.
Ladies should also realise that not every marriage proposal must be accepted. A boyfriend that was mostly unfaithful and disloyal to you while you were dating will almost definitely continue the habit after you are married.
The same goes for a boyfriend who beats you and slaps you around.
And a lazy, materialistic, gobby girlfriend is not suddenly going to change just because you put a ring on her finger.
Parents should learn to be courageous enough and reserve the right to withhold their permission for their child’s wedding, if they don’t think they are matured enough to handle the responsibility that comes with marriage. And they have to be honest with themselves both for the sake of their child as well as the other child leaving their parents’ home and tying their lives to your kid’s.
It is our duty as patents to re-orientate our thoughts about marriage and educate our individual children about marital responsibilities when they are younger. Not leaving it to when they are young adults, set in their ways with questionable characters and hope someone else’s presence in their lives will change them. Neither should it be the responsibility of strangers to counsel the couple weeks before the wedding. Kids should be trained and prepared for marriage right from their teens, by their parents.
And the notion that only the girl-child needs to be prepared for marriage is an old, unhelpful, outdated idea that has unwittingly resulted in many bad marriages. Our parents got it wrong in only training daughters and instilling in them, the necessity of being a good wife and housekeeper whose main purpose is to keep her husband happy, and forgetting that boys also need to be educated on being a good husband, leader and protector responsible for his wife and kids welfare, happiness and security.
And worse still, many parents are simply too busy in their own individual lives to be able to give serious life or social skills training to their kids. The desperate lack of these basic skills unfortunately follow many kids into marriage.
And our intervention in our kids lives once they are married, should be kept to the barest minimum.
Harsh as it may sound, visits should be by invitation only and not simply turning up whenever the desire takes us! And that is mostly for us mothers.
Marriage is finishing with singleness, selfishness and childishness. Not an extension of it. Anyone going into marriage should not expect to continue to enjoy the freedom of singleness because once you are married, your life is not just your own anymore. You are henceforth permanently tied, linked and joined to another person – your spouse, and subsequently, your kids.
And whatever you do, uttermost priority must be given to your spouse’s welfare, feelings, security, happiness and care.
If you’re sexually active, and not incredibly selfish, you’ll probably recognise the two situations I’m about to describe. They’re situations in which people of two different genders are offered oral sex. (We’ve gone for him/her because it’s the most common sexual orientation, but that’s not to suggest it’s the most valid).
Scenario A Him: I want to go down on you Her: No thanks, I haven’t showered since this morning. Him: Okay. Shall we just have sex? (This dialogue isn’t the finest showcasing of my talent with words, but you see the point.)
Scenario B Her: I want to go down on you. Him: Cool. That’s the thing about having a vagina. You spend a lot of your life worrying that it smells ‘wrong’.
Somewhere around puberty girls start to believe that everyone else’s vagina smells like Chanel Number 5, and that hers is somehow gross for having a natural human odour. This then creates a situation where women don’t want to have sex, let alone oral sex, if they haven’t showered super recently. Personally I’m unlikely to be able to relax enough to orgasm unless I’ve showered in the last six hours, and I haven’t done anything that might make me sweat, and definitely haven’t been wearing tights (not very breathable for the old vag).
Blokes, however, seem a lot less bothered about this. There’s lots for boys to worry about in puberty – size being the main consideration – but there doesn’t seem to be the same levels of revulsion and obsession with cleanliness. Which might be why almost every woman you know will have a story about a smelly, unclean penis.
In all my blowjob giving years, I’ve never heard a man tell me he can’t get head because he hasn’t showered yet. If a blowjob is on the menu, it’s usually going to be ordered, shower or no shower. And most of the time, that’s not a problem. A bit of a smell of sweat is even quite sexy.
I’m inclined to say that men have got it right on the topic of oral sex. Obviously no-one should be letting their genitals go feral, and regular showering is important, but it’s also beneficial not to be prissy about sex. Your genitals will probably have a scent to them, and you might have sweat a bit. That’s okay. It’s natural and human and not going to do anyone any harm.
The best kind of sex happens when you’re uninhibited, not worried about smelling, tasting, looking or sounding weird. The more comfortable you make your partner feel, the better it’s going to be.
So, ladies, next time you’re offered oral sex and you’re in the mood and inclined to accept, why not do so, even if you haven’t showered since that morning?
And blokes, if your partner tells you no with the caveat that she hasn’t showered, why not let her know that you don’t mind? Of course you should never push anyone to do anything that they’re uncomfortable, but saying ‘I really don’t mind that you haven’t showered’ gives your partner the opportunity to decide whether it’s their concerns about odour which are putting them off, or whether they’re just not comfortable at all.
Also, please remember that if you have a vagina, sticking the shower head on it before having sex is a bad idea. It might remove any odour, but it will also strip you of natural lubricant and can play havoc with your vagina’s ph, making you vulnerable to infection.
For a few years of her life, author Lucy Cavendish did online dating to death. She had became single at 44 and from match.com and Plenty of Fish to Tinder, she tried them all. “As a middle-aged mother with four children, the mature dating arena was particularly fraught. It was nothing like when I was young and you met people through friends and work”, she said.
Instead, it was like stepping in to a world she no longer understood, that didn’t seem to work in any way she recognised.
Men she thought were single and available turned out to be married and available for only one thing. She became wise to this fact after her friend pointed out that a man she’d been talking to online and was very interested in never happened to be available to ‘chat’ at weekends.
There also seemed to be a particular lingo. ‘Favourite activities’, she discovered, referred to activities in the bedroom, rather than hobbies.
“So I felt for Edwina Currie – probably the only time I will ever have feelings for Edwina Currie” she joked – “when she said that online dating over a certain age is a nightmare”.
The former MP was apparently “startled” to discover many daters were only after sex. Mind you, for many middle-aged women, that wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. Lucy actually knows loads of really attractive single women who all looking for sex. Many of them have come out of loveless, passionless long-term marriages and would be more than happy to have a one-night stand.
Lucy also believes that people view sex differently these days citing the example of several couples she knowsn – one who are actually getting married – who started with the sex and got to know each other later.
Conversely, she recalls meeting many men who were terrified of women, especially sexually rapacious ones. One rather artistic South African creative spent an entire evening telling her how distressing it was that women kept on trying to entice him in to bed.
But online dating in your middle ages can undoubtedly be a minefield of subterfuge and pitfalls. After four years in the trenches, Lucy finally met her match. They had mutual friends on Facebook and he chatted her up by saying he liked her photograph.
They got married just before Christmas.
Looking back, Lucy says “If I am relieved, at 50, to be back out of the dating arena again, I am also determined to pass on my dating tips. Here’s what I wish I’d known before logging on..!
No one puts their real age up online. Men who say they are 55 are actually 60 or even older. Also, photos mean nothing.
Saying that, beware of anyone who posts photographs of themselves with their kids/ex/holding a pint of beer/strumming an air guitar/has half the picture ripped off (and it is obviously of his wedding day).
Never, ever go out with a man who says he is “looking for cuddles”. This is not a euphemism for sex. It means he needs looking after and hasn’t grown up yet.
If a man asks “what are you in to?” then what he means is “what sort of sex are you in to?” – if that’s OK with you, proceed. If not, run.
Lots of men may well want sex but they have the same body hang-ups as women and many of them – ahem – no longer have the same libido as when they were years younger. This is a tricky area and one which, when we were all first dating, never had to think about.
Be really sure about what you are looking for – if a man with his own house and a stable income is important, there is no point in dating the sad, miserable one who has been crucified by divorce and can’t afford to buy you dinner. They may be witty and handsome but it’s not going to work. I spent far too long dating men I felt sorry for rather than thinking about what I really wanted.
Be aware that women and men are often looking for different things – some older men are looking for a carer, really. They can’t bear the idea of growing old alone and, underneath all the dating shtick, they are quite happy to put on their slippers.
There are some really nice men out there, but they might be hopeless at dating. I’ve met men who are so nervous that they’ve fluffed the first date – gabbling on about their exes, for example – but got on much better when given a second chance.
Always have a back up plan… I’d send a coded text to my best friend and she’d then text me pretending to be one of my children saying I had to go home immediately. It worked every time and it saves you from being rude.
Be careful to make sure they are who they say they are. If someone chats you up, gets you in to bed but is never around at weekends, he is probably already married.