Advertisements

Category: LIFESTYLE

Guest Bloggers Corner: Signs That Tell You You Are In A Lust And Not Love Relationship

Columnist Amanda Chatel writes:

I’m preparing to move to Paris for about a year or so. One of the major things this involves is getting rid of stuff that I should have tossed forever ago, but just haven’t yet. While tossing clothes and shoes is emotional enough in its own right, what’s really killing me the most is my “box of yesterday.”

True to its name, my “box of yesterday” is a nightmare collection of things from past relationships. I say nightmare, because who saves receipts from Brooklyn Bowl because it has an ex-boyfriend’s name on it? This gal. Who thinks it’s necessary to keep shreds of a ripped T-shirt from a wrestling match after too many martinis? Me, obviously.

The project of weeding through these things and deciding which is reasonable to keep and which solidifies me as a straight-up lunatic has forced me to face a fact: My last relationship, if we can even call it that, wasn’t love at all. Of course, at the time I was convinced it was love, as we all tend to think in similar situations, but in reality it was nothing but lust tangled up with infatuation, and because of it I was the most unstable, crazy, jealous, human being I’ve ever been. Looking back now, I blush at who I was, and that I was capable of such insanity because of a man.

 

lust

 

With those days officially in my past and locked there safely so I can no longer touch them, I can see more clearly than ever what I was experiencing. I was not in love with a guy whom we’ll call “C,” but in lust.

Here’s what I learned from it all. If you recognize yourself in any of this, I suggest you run like hell. Now.

1. There’s more fire and less stability

Love — real love — is about commitment and communication. These two important components lead to stability within a relationship. Of course, fire can be part of the equation, but when there’s lots of drama, chaos and more emotional gut blows than butterflies, you’re looking at a lustful situation.

2. You focus more on the outside than inside

I could stare at C for hours. I was so enamored with his beauty. To me, he was gorgeous from head to toe without a single flaw to be found. I was obsessed with his beauty, and relished in the fact that I got to be seen in public with him and got to “tap that” at the end of the night.

3. You prefer the fantasy

From the beginning, I knew C and I didn’t have a future. We were far too similar to have been able to conduct a grown-up relationship, and he was never going to want me the way I wanted him. With him, I acted younger than I was for far longer than I should have — the drinking, acting out, immaturity and irresponsibility were quadrupled when we were together. I didn’t want a “grown-up” life with him; I loved the days on end of debauchery that allowed me to escape from reality.

 

lust-quote-7-picture-quote-1

4. Why aren’t we having sex right now?

Although I loved talking to C, because we did have so much in common, whenever we were together just hanging around or watching a movie, I’d always catch myself wondering, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?” I’m serious. I couldn’t give a damn about the ending to whatever movie was on, if it meant we were having sex instead.

5. You’re not friends

C and I were not friends. For a long time we called each other “best friend,” but the truth was I was in lust, and he was just waiting for something else, something, to use his words, better. Despite knowing that, the lust kept me coming back for more.

6. Intimacy doesn’t exist

Although cuddling can be really satisfying and comforting when you’re in love, when you’re in lust a body against you just feels like dead weight. You’re also likely to ask yourself again, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?”

7. You experience intense neediness

If I didn’t get the attention I needed from C on a daily basis, I felt like my world was falling apart. Was he texting with someone else instead? Was he not home, as he said, but out with someone else? Having sex with someone else? Why isn’t he answering my calls? It was exhausting, to say the least.

Love-or-Lust.jpg

8. The feeling is conditional

Anyone who’s been in love can attest to the fact that love is unconditional. Lust, however, is not. Lust is steeped in gratification without concern to anything else. I could easily sleep with someone other than C and not feel a twinge of regret, but if I were to do the same to the man I love, I’d never forgive myself. Lust has blurred boundaries as to what’s right; love kicks those blurred lines into place.

 

Many people end up in marriages where their lust has been mistaken for love and they wonder why they end up hating each other after a few years. I discovered my ex and I were not friends and we didn’t particularly like each other hence the constant fighting and hostility in the marriage. But the sex was great and even when we were not speaking, we always managed to get the sex going and unfortunately, we mistook this for love. At the end of the day, removing sex from our marriage, we discovered we had absolutely nothing in common.

When a choice of a partner is based more on the pre-set list of physical attributes such as weight, height, looks, colour over more mental. Emotional or some will even say spiritual connections, then the relationship’s entire foundation will rest solidly on lust rather than love.

,

Advertisements

Top London Store Sells Top Range Designer Bags For Fraction Of Cost Following Online Pricing Error

Many lucky people snapped up luxury designer handbags from Harrods for just a tiny fraction of the price after an apparent website blunder.

The top London department store completely sold out of its cheap Aspinal of London handbags online on Thursday after gleeful shoppers quickly realised the upmarket bags were listed as heavily under-priced.

Fine Italian leather handbags which would have usually cost several hundred pound were listed at under £5.

One £250 pure leather tote bag cost just £2.13, while the brand’s Marylebone tote bag usually costing £950 was on sale for just £8.08.

Pricing gaffe: The Aspinal of London designer handbags were massively under-priced online. (Harrods)

An Aspinal of London Lottie shoulder bag, which usually costs £340, was also being bought by buyers for just £3.61.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes and luck when I saw the handbags,” one delighted shopper told the Standard.

‘Sorry this item is sold out’: The Essential Pebble Tote which usually sells for £250. (Harrods)

“Now I hope that Harrods honour the mistake and I get my £800 handbag for a fiver.”

The pricing gaffe appeared to affect most of the range, although a few handbags remained listed at full price.

The correctly-priced £950 bag with its cheaper version beside it. (Harrods)

By Thursday evening, the entire range of the cut-price handbags were sold out on the Harrods website.

According to one shopper, who said her entire office were quickly buying up the bargain accessories, the last three handbags were bought at just before 4pm.

The customers have called on Harrods to honour the mistake and still dispatch the handbags to the lucky shoppers.

The Standard

To All Prospective Parents In Law: Read This Before You Call The Wedding Planner (Guest Bloggers Corner)

I came across this article by Funke Egbemode purely by accident and I thought I just had to have it on this site. I was most drawn to it mainly because it highlights many of the points that I have personally highlighted on my radio show “Baroness Js World On Naija FM”

Marriage is becoming a risky business by the hour. Instead of enlarging the family, it is reducing it. When your son or daughter marries, you expect grandchildren as dividends. Now, your initial investment gets liquidated in a pool of blood, without recourse to you. One infuriated sick and weak girl just grabs a kitchen knife and carves up your son in a flash, ripping out your heart and dreams of being surrounded by happiness in your old age. One silly boy in a moment of uncontrollable blinding fury stabs your daughter in the throat, leaving you reeling in that kind of pain no parent can recover from. Wives killing their husbands. Husbands killing their wives.

couple-stabbing.jpg

How did our innocent babies become murderers? How did we miss it? What did we do wrong, or failed to do that is filling our doorsteps with shoes of mourners and our once happy homes with wailings and gnashing of teeth? Did the Bible not promise that our children will surround our tables and that we will not cast our young? So, what is going on? It is bad enough that more and more young marriages are failing. It is already a sad testimony that more women are becoming breadwinners and telling our sons when to snore in their own beds. But this added blood and gore and loss and unending pain… Or are you not worried?

Sure, the latest tragedies happened far from you but they are really closer than you think. If you still think these recent spousal murders do not really concern you, take a look at your daughter, your son and tell yourself you can vouch for the spouses they will end up with. And if your children are already in their 20s and of marriage age, swear you are not a teensy bit concerned about the suitors milling around them. That fine-boy-no-pimples full of smiles and politeness, does he have anger issues? Is he a keeper, a reaper or a taker? That babe who is already calling your son ‘Ayo mi’ (my joy) or ‘honey’, can you trust her with your greatest treasure, your brilliant caring son?

There is no retirement age for parents. We are parents for life. Our job is cut out for us and we must do it with all our heart and might. There is really no short cut. This is our calling until we are called home by He who chose us for this assignment as daddies and mummies. Of course, the temptation to hand over our daughters and our parenting jobs over to our in-laws the day we give them out in marriage will always be there. But it is a temptation we must resist as soon as the effects of red wine champagne wears off. Yeah. Wine-carrying, celebrated destination wedding ceremonies with the captains of industry and 10 governors in attendance is what it is, just another party. The marriage itself begins the following day. And let’s not forget that the young bride and groom had lived a protected life up until their wedding day. They were chauffeured to primary and secondary schools, assisted in picking their universities. Their NYSC postings were arranged by daddy. Their first jobs too via daddy’s connections. This is the first time they would be taking huge steps on their own. They probably will still be using daddy’s mechanic and mummy’s travel agent and caterer. Don’t bother denying it. We are all guilty of over-parenting. We all look forward so much to the days our children will get married that we forget there are things we must do, that is, beyond the small chops and assorted meals from here to China.

Raise your hand if you did a proper background check on your son’s wife before the wedding. Seriously? Yeah.

Let me stress this point then. You must investigate your daughter’s suitor, your son’s intended. Don’t be overly excited by the diamond ring he gave her or the rich family she comes from. You must do your research. You must ensure you are not handing over your treasure to a pig who’ll go play in the mud with it. Most parents hardly ever do that background check before calling the wedding planner. Is he abusive? Does she throw flower vases at television sets? Does his father beat his mother? Is her mother cantankerous? Before you fix the wedding date, make sure you are not funding a ceremony that will put your child in an early grave. That is the pre-wedding warning.

 

 

black-married-couple-21.jpeg

However, marriage is the critical point. While I think it is a sin to meddle in your children’s marriage, I also think it is a crime to push our children into the deep end of the pool without providing life jackets. Parents should let new couples totter, falter, fall even but be there to help them back on their feet. Watch from a distance but watch you must, keenly, discreetly, wisely. The fear of failure and what the society would say make a lot of new couples die in silence. Without being intrusive, nudge your daughter or daughter-in-law to speak freely. Call her to accompany you to a party you don’t want to attend alone. Start a topic that will help her open up. It could be a new television series, a movie with a relationship or marriage theme. And being a busy politician or high flying executive is not an excuse. I open such topics with my girls while they are helping me pick an evening dress, do my make-up or while we are watching a movie that I had picked for that purpose. I have also had such intimate talks with my son as he drove us to church.

Fathers, let your son-in-law accompany you to events, golf course, church, mosque. What’s wrong with an occasional barber-date together? Get your grooming Saturday in sync. It helps you see through what they may be trying to hide without asking probing questions. You have gained an extra child and that should be an advantage.

Stop by unannounced occasionally too and make such visits brief, very brief. Take along gifts. Those unannounced visits help you to catch them without rehearsed speeches. Hug the wife, she will wince or grunt if she has been kicked or punched. Does she have puffy eyes, discoloured cheeks or walking with a limp? If every time you go there, there is always a story why a piece of furniture is broken or cracked, one of them may be violent, hurling coffee mugs at the television or kicking flower vases.

And if you discover that one of them is abusive, don’t expect them to sort it out on their own or with their pastor. An abusive wife or husband is a sick person. He needs help. She needs to see the appropriate doctor, it is an emergency. If the abusive partner refuses to get help, retrieve the one that belongs to you to safety. My mother used to counsel that a safe small corner on earth is better than a big space in the grave. You cannot fold your arms and hope she will stop slapping your son while she graduates to stabbing him. If he has pushed her down the staircase once and you leave her there, who will you blame when your church elders arrive with sober faces to break the news of your daughter?

Of course I know my pastor, and many other pastors reading this, will object to my ‘retrieve-your-child’ solution but I prefer my pastor chides me to him telling me ‘it is well’ later. God forbid. If a sick spouse gets help, the marriage can get back on track and everybody gets a chance to live happily ever after. And read the Bible too.

*Funke Egbemode is a columnist,  Managing Director and Editor-in-Chief, New Telegraph Newspaper. She is also the President of Nigeria Guild of Editors (NGE)

Is It Love? Or is It Just Lust? It’s All In The Eyes

Where someone’s gaze falls could indicate almost instantly whether attraction is based on feelings of love or of lust.

Scientists say if the gaze is focused on a stranger’s face, then love is possible, but if the gaze focuses more on the stranger’s body, then the attraction is more sexual in nature. That automatic judgment can occur in as little as half a second, producing different gaze patterns.

“Although little is currently known about the science of love at first sight or how people fall in love, these patterns of response provide the first clues regarding how automatic attentional processes, such as eye gaze, may differentiate feelings of love from feelings of desire toward strangers,” says lead author Stephanie Cacioppo, director of the High-Performance Electrical NeuroImaging Laboratory at the University of Chicago.

Previous research by Cacioppo has shown that different networks of brain regions are activated by love and sexual desire. In this study, the team performed two experiments to test visual patterns in an effort to assess two different emotional and cognitive states that are often difficult to mdisentangle from one another—romantic love and sexual desire.

 

eyes_love_1170-480x400

Male and female students from the University of Geneva viewed a series of black-and-white photographs of persons they had never met. In part one of the study, participants viewed photos of young, adult heterosexual couples who were looking at or interacting with each other. In part two, participants viewed photographs of attractive individuals of the opposite sex who were looking directly at the camera/viewer. None of the photos contained nudity or erotic images.

In both experiments, participants were placed before a computer and asked to look at different blocks of photographs and decide as rapidly and precisely as possible whether they perceived each photograph or the persons in the photograph as eliciting feelings of lust or romantic love.

Quick as a wink

The study, published in the journal Psychological Science, showed no significant difference in the time it took subjects to identify romantic love versus sexual desire, which suggests how quickly the brain can process both emotions, the researchers note.

But analysis of the eye-tracking data from the two studies revealed marked differences in eye movement patterns, depending on whether the subjects reported feeling sexual desire or romantic love.

plewds

People tended to visually fixate on the face, especially when they said an image elicited a feeling of romantic love. However, with images that evoked sexual desire, the subjects’ eyes moved from the face to fixate on the rest of the body. The effect was found for male and female participants.

“By identifying eye patterns that are specific to love-related stimuli, the study may contribute to the development of a biomarker that differentiates feelings of romantic love versus sexual desire,” says coauthor John Cacioppo, director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience. “An eye-tracking paradigm may eventually offer a new avenue of diagnosis in clinicians’ daily practice or for routine clinical exams in psychiatry and/or couple therapy.”

Coauthor Mylene Bolmont, a graduate student at the University of Geneva, Switzerland, contributed to the study.

Source: University of Chicago

Just musing: Why are Christians so stingy?

STILL ON THE MATTER…

God says don’t fornicate, but we still fornicate, many of us regularly – even with other people’s spouses!

He says don’t steal, but many of us are big time fraudsters, 419ers & con artists.

He says don’t covert your neighbour’s possession, but many of us are as envious as satan himself.

He says love your neighbour as yourself, but many wake up each morning planning whom to fight!

We are instructed not to commit murder, but many of us commit murder every second by the words that come out of our mouth (or that we type on Facebook)

YET, WE ARE ALL UP IN ARMS ABOUT THE TINY ISSUE OF TITHES AND OFFERINGS!!!!

My friend, your hands are still unclean anyway so please don’t pay tithes joor. You are still a sinner!!!

God says HE loves a cheerful giver yet many Christians are cheerless, stingy, grumpy, hard hearted, ungrateful and thoughtless.

On Sunday, you will see them in their expensive clothes, haven driven down in the new jeep they will proudly park at a vantage point where everyone can see it – and sing “I love You Lord, with all my heart ” during service…

But when it comes to offering time, the love flies out of the window!

At my late father’s burial 15 years ago, the muslim clerics raised Itoro (offering) for all manner of ridiculous causes including the deluded prayer that I should have a change of heart and become a muslim (🤣🤣🤣🤣) yet the so called sympathisers rose and gave ungrudgingly and over-generously!!!.

In fact, the amount collected that day could have easily purchased a plot of land in Ijebu Ode!!!!!

Yet the muslims did not flinch or think of how ridiculous the request points were. They still gave nevertheless. I remember thinking shouldn’t all this money go to me and my younger ones….or at least to my mum, the deceased’s widow. But the alufas gleefully scooped up every last naira note and there was no doubt whatsoever where the loot was going but no-one cared…

Raise the same in a church and christians will frank face and sit on their wallets and kiss their teeth at Pastor!!!   

Why are we Christians so stingy???

I wish Pastors can be bold enough to tell anyone who does not believe in tithing to keep their mouths shut..and their money to themselves – and see God raise up stones in their place.

Lord, I pray, please do not replace me o. Please give me the Grace, empowerment & willingness to do that which You want me to do in Jesus name.  AMEN

 

BJ

DEALING WITH SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE

Sexual harassment is unfortunately a common occurrence in the workplace. It can take on the form of verbal or physical conduct. Federal law prohibits sexual harassment in the workplace. When it occurs, it is difficult to experience, and it is important to learn the ways to effectively deal with it.

According to an article in smallbusiness.chron.com, failing to deal with sexual harassment correctly can result in not getting your claim heard. Many different ways to deal with sexual harassment exist, and the right approach to take depends on your particular situation.

Talk to the Person Directly

When the initial sexual harassment incident takes place, ask the person harassing you to stop. If your harasser continues displaying the same behavior, inform your harasser that you plan to file a report if the behavior continues. Some people discontinue their behavior once you threaten to report them. If the harasser fails to stop, you can take further action.

Find Other Victims and Witnesses

Search for other victims of sexual harassment by your harasser. You may find that some other victims have filed complaints in the past. Secure the testimony of any witnesses of your incidents in writing. This helps support your claim.

Inform Your Supervisor

If talking to your harasser did not stop the harassing behavior, report all incidents to your immediate supervisor. Write a formal letter to your supervisor detailing the events that took place. Ask your supervisor for a meeting to explain the situation in person.

Contact HR Manager

Even if you inform your supervisor, you should also contact your human resources manager. Human resources can inform you of the action you need to take concerning the sexual harassment incidents. The human resources manager should possess expert knowledge concerning sexual harassment and discrimination, and should be willing and able give you impartial advice.

Contact Senior Management

If your supervisor refuses to take action, you can file a formal complaint with your company’s senior management. Your senior manager should handle your situation with discretion and inform you of any further actions your must take. You must present all evidence and documentation concerning the incidents to senior management.

Contact EEOC

If your complaint does not result in your supervisor or senior manager taking action, you can file a charge with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), which investigates sexual harassment incidents in the workplace. Inform the EEOC of your employer’s name, the name of the offender and the details surrounding the incidents.

File a Lawsuit

After you file a complaint with the EEOC, you can possibly file a lawsuit. You can seek monetary damages, or try to get your job back if your employer fired you due to the incidents. If you plan to file a lawsuit, you should seek legal representation from an attorney who handles sexual harassment cases.

 

It will also help to make a record of every single instance of harassment. If possible, make video recordings of every time you come in contact with this person and take photographs. You might find that the knowledge that you are recording them might scare them off. But do not smile off any harassment and never accept it as “banter” From the very first occurrence, stand your found and tell them firmly that you will not stand for such behaviour. Many perverts are encouraged by the assumption that their advances are wanted if you do not complain from the start.


Advertisement

obahorcs

GOLDMAN SACHS INVESTS £100M IN WEST AFRICAN INSPIRED SAVINGS CLUB FINTECH STARTUP

Global finance and investments powerhouse, Goldman Sachs has invested £100 million in a fintech startup founded by two of its former bankers that lets people borrow money and repay through their salaries.

Inspired by a West African savings club, Neyber, founded in 2014 and launched in 2015, partners with employers to let their staff borrow money at attractive rates.

Repayments are then deducted from future salaries, lowering the risk for the lender and hopefully helping staff manage money better.

Goldman’s investment in the UK-based fintech startup is a mixture of debt and equity. It comes alongside an extra £15 million of lending capital for Neyber from existing investors, led by former Deutsche Bank COO Henry Ritchotte and Gael de Boissard, the former cohead of Credit Suisse’s investment bank.

neyberfounders photo

The startup was founded by three former investment bankers, including two Goldman alums. CEO Martin Ijaha, 35, left Goldman in 2012 and came up with the idea for the business when thinking about the experience of his family as a child.

Neyber has lent £70 million since 2015

“After leaving Goldman, even during my time at Goldman, I was looking at fintech,” Ijaha told Business Insider. “At that time it was defined by peer-to-peer lending, which I found interesting but really I thought there were a few fundamental flaws. There wasn’t a real value proposition for borrowers. It was largely targeting those who could already get loans from banks. I didn’t really feel that it was a sufficient solution.”

Thinking about how he might do something better for borrowers, he remembered his mother taking part in Sou-Sou, a West African savings club tradition.

Ijaha told BI: “She was a nurse. They would go to work and they would have this savings club that they called Sou-Sou, which effectively meant they put some amount of money, £50, into a pot every time they were paid. One of them would take the money home at the end of that month.”

The communal pot would act as a form of community saving, with members able to take money out when they needed.

“I just remember the experience of my mother coming back with £50 notes when it was her turn,” says Ijaha. “That was their way of helping each other save and also make sure they could borrow at reasonable rates because effectively there weren’t any rates. They did this for years and it worked.”

 

‘Cutting out the banks’

 

Ijaha and his cofounders — Monica Kalia, 44, another former Goldmanite, and Ezechi Britton, 37, an ex-Credit Suisse banker — wanted to apply this collective saving and borrowing model in the workplace because it’s “the biggest community,” Ijaha said. Credit unions also inspired them.

Initially, they ran a proof of concept with Ijaha’s former school in West London, St Charles Sixth Form College. Ijaha approached his former headmaster who “loved the idea.”

“He said, ‘Actually, we already have this issue. A number of teachers are asking me for advances on their salaries and I informally agree to do it.’ We were able to run a pilot with St Charles, we started lending with them in February 2014. We lent them up to £1,500 at a rate of up to 7.9%. We found there was significant demand to borrow.”

Neyber has also partnered with Police Mutual to offer loans to police officers.

That helped convince Police Mutual to sign-up. Police Mutual is the mutual insurance society for the UK police.

Ijaha said: “We effectively said we would help them lend to police through their salaries and they could fund the loans by issuing a savings product. You effectively create that model where you’re borrowing and savings within the workplace.”

Police Mutual not only agreed to a pilot with Neyber, but also invested in the business and put in place a £50 million debt facility it could lend to police officers.

Ijaha says: “You’re cutting out the banks, providing much higher interest on saving products, and much lower rates. We had police who were borrowing at an average rate of around 30% — we were lending at an average rate of around 7%.”

Neyber has lent over £70 million and now works with over 80 employers, including 10 NHS trusts, DHL and Anglian Water.

NEYBER3

Cofounder Monica Kalia told BI: “The sell in to the employer is very much around financial well-being. Typically an employer would have a range of different benefits on offer outside of just pay — bike to work schemes, childcare vouchers, gym membership.

“Actually, employers increasingly understand that they need to understand financial well-being. We have a financial education portal and the aim there is to engage people with money so they’re much better informed.”

‘We’re very, very proud really’

A view of the Goldman Sachs stall on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange July 16, 2013.

Ijaha wouldn’t disclose the exact breakdown between debt and equity of Goldman’s £100 million investment but said the greater part is debt.

He said the equity investment will be used to fund the development of new products, including a savings account based on salary deductions and new borrowing products.

Kalia said they are “very proud” to have sealed investment from their former employer.

“Obviously, the reputation speaks for itself. Having worked there, we know the standards that they expect. We’re very, very proud really.”

Dennis Beeson, a senior executive with Goldman Sachs Private Capital, said in a statement announcing the deal: “Employee financial wellbeing is of increasing importance to UK employers and Neyber is a key player in the evolving market. Neyber’s strong management and leading technology platform ensure its continued success.”

Ijaha said: “We spoke with the majority of providers in the market. Goldman was the most flexible and the most motivated to do a deal with us. Based on our existing relationship with Goldman, we obviously know how things work there. They did a significant amount of diligence — we’re talking six months of diligence — and were pleased with what they found.”

Interesting news, stories and articles from all over the world
%d bloggers like this: