Category: Just Musings


In light and in the aftermath of the earth shattering stories and revelations of sexual harassment of actresses and models at the hands of top Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein and of course of others that are being daily revealed, it is certain that attitudes must change and the “workplace” must be made a safer place for women, and women can expect to turn up at work or at work meetings and not expect to be groped, manhandled, have their breast – regardless of the size, played with or fondled or be forced, bullied or blackmailed into taking part in a sexual act against their will or better judgement simply because the one “wielding the stick” has the power to make or break their career.

However, attitudes do need to change on all sides.

Top executives need to stop seeing actresses and models as pieces of meat there for the taking….

But actresses, starlets, models, artistes and even sportswoman also need to stop putting themselves out there as slutty sex objects.

Why do actresses and models have to do photoshoots in their underwear posing seductively and sexually wearing “I’m available, come and get me, big boy” looks?
Why do FEMALE singers or artists need to appear on stage in next to nothing and wiggle, writhe and dance suggestive sexual dances just to sing – while their male counterparts appear FULLY DRESSED?
As for our female athletes, their clothing many times are mostly distracting showing more of their asset than their prowess.

In movies, it is always the actress that will show the breasts and naked body even in sex scenes that usually involve two people but except in very rare occasions, you will hardly see a penis in a movie.

Many can argue that a woman owns her own body and can do whatever she wants with it or clothe it however she wants. But we do not live in an ideal world where everyone behaves in an ideal manner.

When you suggestively put sex “on the table” there are many who are going to assume there are being invited to came and eat!
Our world is full of decent, well behaved men. But it also has indecent, sick perverts in the same measure and it is naive for anyone to expect decent behaviour from every man whether they dress in filthy rags or expensive suits.

Attitudes need to change everywhere and Hollywood and the Global Entertainment industry needs to clear up their acts across the board. Expectations for female artistes to appear nude, naked or slutty in pictures, on film or on stage has to be reviewed and possibly eradicated or at least toned down several notches. There is too much sexiness assaulting our sensibilities nowadays and is it a wonder that many men are walking around with permanent hard-ons?

Most men see women as no more than sex objects and this is demonstrated by the way that many men treat their women or women around them.  But should women help in encouraging and perpetuating this notion?

There are reprobate minded men who will take a look at a nun in a habit or a woman in a full niqab and still fantasize about what lies beneath all that covering and develop an erection in the process.

And for many of these reprobates, there is no shame, no restraint and no discrimination. Anything and anyone is game as far as they are concerned. And they can corner their target victims anywhere and anytime they please. Including their own office.

In the UK, the “Page 3” girls have disappeared from the Sun newspaper, but there are even more semi-naked girls in our music videos, at concerts, in some adverts and even in top TV shows like the BBC’s “Strictly Come Dancing”. Some of the costumes expected to be worn by the female dancers where many of the dance routines themselves, are already at best described as arousing,  are really quite over the top sexy.

How much more when a woman is walking towards you or standing in front of you, scantily dressed in a very tight top with the erect nipples of her large boobs straining through the flimsy material of her tight tiny top, and her buttock cheeks topping her long sensual legs almost visible under her handkerchief sized flirty skirt …….
You see, that last paragraph was deliberate. Many men reading that bit would have had their mind wandering and imagining the vision – even just for a few seconds before adjusting themselves. So what do you think will happen if this woman was standing right in front of her boss who is also a sex mad brute?

Why would a woman turn up at a work related meeting in a seriously short skirt, very high heels and see through blouse, or what is nothing more than a “tiny tight dress” and expected to be taken seriously especially when a male colleague will turn  up at the same meeting in a suit and tie with everything except his face and hands, covered up?

You won’t see a man walking the street or turning up at work in a sleeveless shirt or jacket and speedos with no trousers …why do women feel they are more attractive with less clothes with more flesh on display?

One of my favorite adages says “As you present yourself, so will you be accepted”

If you present yourself to your work colleagues, bosses or audience as a sexy play thing – whatever industry you belong in – surely you should expect to be taken as such?

Every woman wants to appear attractive and perhaps sexy in public….but near nakedness is not the only way to be attractive and sexy. And experiences and accounts have shown that women are attacked mostly because of they way they are dressed or at least how they are perceived based on their dressing.

Female A Class artists, models and actresses have a lot to answer for, for the deeper and lower fall in standards especially in the area of dressing particularly as they are globally viewed as role models for many young girls. Costumes, dance routines, and photo shoots are more of tools to highlight sexiness rather than showcase acting or singing talents.

Girls are taught from young ages to sit with their legs shut and crossed but take a look at Beyonce, Rihanna, Janet jackson, Rihanna, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears and even Nigeria’s Tiwa Savage – all of whom have thrown this out of the window by making most of their dance routines about lewd crotch exposure and titillation, than about singing.

This is not the dark ages, as some liberal minded feminists would claim and possibly attack me on account of this article. But more importantly is for these feminists to look at some of the disadvantages of feminism. Women embracing the right, freedom or expectation to freely expose and display their sexuality and sensuality is doing no one any harm but women themselves. And even if a woman who has embraced that freedom has not been a victim of sexual harassment or abuse, how about the perception they leave in the mind of others about them.

We women should move on from relying on our bodies and feminine wiles to attain high positions and followerships and let our talents and abilities speak for us. Many women if they would be honest with themselves, know exactly what they are doing when they approach a powerful or connected man in a club or at an event, all dressed up – or down  to the heels in scanty, figure squeezing mini dresses and the highest of heels. No red blooded male will claim to be unaware of the subtle yet strong message of enticement or seduction being passed and more than a few will take the bait and bite. Unfortunately, most women only do this to get attention without banking on the man haven had his attention caught, wanting to explore and see what else is available. This is the point that some women back off and cry harassment.

Brit actor Martin Clunes recently in an interview accused actresses of “flirting with movie producers in a manner he likened to “prostitution”.

“Some of these actresses, there are some draped over him in a club. “If I did that to them I’d be … I don’t know. “It’s not news that these predators allowed some people to … I don’t know. “Of course it’s absolutely ghastly. It’s a form of prostitution — the oldest game in the book.”

The bottom line and the final analysis is that both sides of the coin need to re-address themselves and re-evaluate their positions.

Women must not be seen as sexual objects in the workplace or indeed anywhere else. Women have the right to go any where and feel safe, without the fear that they will be pawed or harassed or forced to do what they have not  expresses a desire to be a part of. Bosses and managers must ensure that their clients and employees are able to work in a safe and secure environment and any threats to that, dealt with and if necessary removed

But women must also realise that they have the responsibility of presenting themselves in the exact way they want to be addressed or accepted. Dressing like a wolf but expecting to be treated as a sheep should no longer be a prerogative of any woman.

As I said earlier in this article, there are many sick minded perverted men out there and I will in no way defend or condone sexual abuse or harassment perpetrated by these men.

But people also should not put themselves in vulnerable positions that will make them targets or victims of these sickos.







They may never tell you….but many people are watching you closely – even if from a distance, admiring you, and maybe copying you; Being inspired by you, being mentored or being taught by you.

Others are simply being repulsed, being disgusted or being turned off by you and by your actions. Unfortunately you may never get the opportunity to find out and they might never meet the real you, but they will keep that opinion they have of you in their heart.

standiing out

Remember you might never get another opportunity to make a second impression.






Therefore whatever you do and wherever you find yourself, comport yourself to the highest possible standards and be cautious of how your present yourself at all times. You owe your public that much”








As a strong fearless African woman born in the UK but raised in a remote part of Nigeria by a bold, fearless and totally devoted, loving, caring, humane and extraordinarily conscientious farmer grandmother “my indefatigable Amazon and philosopher” I returned to England in the late 80s very confident, brazen, defensive and sometimes totally loud and pugnacious.

I grew up through the civil war in Nigeria and served as a farm hand for gran,  helping to harvest melon seeds, cassava, yam and others plus helping to fry and sell garri in the market to earn our living.

Gran had no room for lazy people. If I said that I had headache or belly ache, she simply gave me salt in water for belly ache, warm therapy Apc, touched my head or belly and said “agu Nwanyi, you will be OK, now get on with your work”

Upon returning to the UK after higher education and a failed marriage blessed with three children,  at an age when many girls are still not sure what to do with their lives, it did not take time for me to learn that although my attitude was good enough to repel faint hearted friends and enemies, it was the deal breaker or barrier in my way to any successful career.

I took on anyone who I thought was prejudiced against me for whatever reason my mind told me. Many employers loved but loathed me. I just could not be bothered because I had been led to believe that everyone who is not the same colour as me is racist. I bought into that delusion and was always combat ready not realising that I had become very insecure to a pint of delusion judging anyone who tried to correct me as agent of my imaginary oppressors.

What I did not realise was that I was deeply loved and adored by a few people but they were afraid to get too close. I stupidly thought that I had street credibility and the fear I caused or (commanded in my delusion) was respect.

Well, it took an incident for me to learn that although I was good at my work, senior management feared that a promotion for me will be catastrophic. They were at the same time afraid of losing my talent and dedication. I had brilliant reports but was never shortlisted for promotion. As you can imagine, I would have none of it and waged war. I threatened to bring down the roof and everyone including Union reps were targets because in my mind they had all taken sides with my imaginary oppressor.

This then forced senior management friends to have series of meetings with me. I was told how much I was loved and respected for who I am and how my attitude was my biggest enemy.

That was a turning point. I began to watch how other people reacted or responded to issues and followed the advice a Caucasian boss I considered a father constantly rolled out with so much love. He took me to launch and walks in the park on several occasions. At those times we discussed my strengths and weaknesses and how to use or change them in order to fit in.

One thing he commended me on was my readiness to learn and on that note approved many personal development causes. They worked. Trust me they do!

Today, I am a better person who will always argue my case without losing it, pulling off my gloves, rolling up my sleeves and and asking others to bring it on.

Why am I writing this now? I called my GP surgery for an appointment after hours because I fell asleep early this morning. I was told that they could not make any appointment for me.

I was cool, calm and respectful knowing that the receptionist was only following their policy. In the past, I would have started jumping up and down, asking for the Practice manager. But I did not.

Guess what? It paid off. I got more than an appointment because I was not rude and aggressive.

So manners are key to advancement and success in life.

Many of us in our fifties and the younger ones must take critical looks at ourselves and see where we may be going wrong and why we are not likely reach the pinnacle of careers careers despite being admirably talented and holding tons of degrees. It’s not weakness to do so. It’s strength!

Ask your friends to assess you or take online attitude tests and seek help if you find yourself wanting.

Being rude, aggressive and non compromising even when you are at fault may give you street credibility among mannerless people like you, but will never move you up the ladder.

What is the point in bagging tons of degrees and doing nothing with them? That is a waste of talent , time and money.

You could do better if you accept that there may be need for improvements here and there.

I did and it worked for me. Don’t be a failure because of your attitude.



JCOJenny is a UK based Solicitor and Advocate. She is the Founder of Nigerian Women In Diaspora Leadership Forum and a member of several other professional and  community organisations. 

She is a socio-political activist and commentator; a passionate community leader, mentor, trainer and coach.

Follow Jenny @Jennyokafor on Twitter & @JennyChikaOkafor on Facebook


He for she invite


It’s refreshingly lovely when your married friends do not see your single/divorced status as some horrible disease that can infect their exclusive club and invite you to their gatherings – even Couples Dinner – as absurd as that might sound, if you are not “coupled”

Many houses of worship ostracise their single (divorced) members…. and some married women avoid the divorced like a plague. And churches at certain times, can be the loneliest place to be for single or divorced women surrounded by loved up lovey-dovey couples.

Unfortunately what people have failed to realise is that many married men nowadays prefer their fellow married women who want to keep their homes and still enjoy the thrill provided by another man. And these happen quite ofter right under the partner’s nose! In other words, the “other woman” is not always that attractive and seductive looking divorcée.

It could be the wife of the man you call “uncle” or “brother”!!!!

And many older single or divorced women are simply happy and content being single (if just for the time being. ..)

Others cannot and are not willing to “man share” and do not see themselves as some man’s “bit on the side” or “home-wrecker” so they too avoid married men like a worse plague and would run a mile as if an Ebola victim is pursuing them.


However, some Pirhana women that will steal a man, will do as they please regardless of how tough the wife thinks she is; and the habitual skirt chasing married bloke will not be stopped by matter, time or space if he’s determined to go a-chasing! So some preventive antics of the panicky and insecure partner might just be a collossal waste of time!!

Nevertheless, perhaps it’s time for folks with the same status to stick and flock together…

The event organiser in me is again thinking of a suitable Event. Hmmnnn………..



This morning as I was carrying out my devotion I found myself musing about times and seasons…changing times and seasons to be precise.

I wondered how come some people will spend years working hard, paying their dues and basically doing everything they are supposed to do, yet nothing seems to work out for them – while another person does exactly the same things or even far less and it seems everything they touch turns to gold….
There’s a time and a place for every thing under the sun.
The Lord changes times & seasons. And there is a time for EVERY season.

A season can last anything from 1 year to 1 decade. Your season might have started 8 years ago and you could be wondering when your situation will change or why you have been in your situation for this long. And you can see another person for whom things suddenly happen to change their condition, seemingly overnight. They could have been waiting, toiling & even wailing for years before the sudden change of circumstance. It was the fullness of their own time. The maturing of their season.

Until it’s the right time for your change, you will remain in THAT situation. If your appointed season is 10 years, then nothing will change for you until then. Afterall, a pregnancy season is 9 months you will not expect to give birth at 5….


There us a waiting period between the time a seed of corn is buried into the soil and the time it grows and develops into a full maize plant with several corn cobs.

Everyone and everything made by the creator must go through a period of being buried in the ground. A time of labouring, enduring hardship, being overlooked, a period of obscurity and irrelevance and like a baby in the womb…or that corn seed buried in the dark soil, a time of darkness, loneliness and being hidden away.

Until the fullness of term when the product is ripened and matured and it blossoms into the luscious plant or cute new born baby that everyone is gushing and whaoing over…..if the change is forced, helped along or hurried, it is at risk of termination or premature manifestation and only serious intervention will prevent complete abortion – just as in the situation where a baby has been born prematurely.

It is also very important to remember that everyone’s fullness of time is different.

I have had pregnancies of three marvellous children.

One of them I was sick throughout.  The other 2, I can barely remember.

Two of them lasted 10 and a half months, the third, just over 8.

Certain things need to cook for longer than others but we must not lose sight of the fact that there is a certain timeframe that must be reached before such can be considered safe or viable enough to be presented.

Comparing our situation with others’ and descending into sadness when we measure ourselves up as underprivileged or less fortunate in comparison, is out of a lack of understanding of the principle of times and seasons.

Each of us have different times and seasons. Yours might not have come yet….but it surely will.

The promise is for an appointed time. Wait for it.

When its time for your breakthrough, you will know it because nothing will be able to stop it. And that is the “you” the world will see. Many would not have known you or even remember the poor, downtrodden, suffering, hopeless person you used to be.




Like a seed maturing in the dust, no one would have wanted to be associated with you as the poor irrelevant “Joe no Mates”.  But as soon as your time comes and your season changes, everyone wants to celebrate you and have a piece of you.

It is just the way if life. The way God has intended it to be.

So hold on. Be patient. Persevere & endure.

Your season change is coming.
Afterall, the Yorubas say
“igba kan o lo bi orere”

Love always.



Everyone who is a parent, uncle or aunty must absolutely read this.
I copied this absolutely wonderful write up on Home Training from one of my WhatsApp groups and I must confess it ministered greatly to me so I have decided to share it (with additional input by my humble self) with my wider network.


“You are a mistake of a wife” Mike screamed at Kate…
“And you are a terrible husband.. you are my
greatest mistake ” Kate retorted…

A large number of women in the world population are crying on a daily basis, because of the terrible husbands they have.
But Ironically, it is the same WOMEN who trained “characterless” boys who have become terrible husbands…

Men are complaining because of the terrible wives they have, but can’t we also blame MEN..MEN were the fathers of the untrained girls who have become the characterless wives of today…

It is often believed that fathers have the greatest influence on their sons and mothers, on their daughters. This might be a fact but it is not an absolute truth. Boys can learn emotional intelligence that is greatly needed in a relationship from their mothers. While a fellow man will pass on erroneous stereotypical male-chauvinistic beliefs about women to his son, a mother will give her son a deep insight into real woman issues and help him understand exactly how they will affect a woman, and to see things from a woman’s point of view. And a father who spends time with his daughter, will also teach her valuable lessons about men and how best to relate with them.

Many parents especially women have made the mistake of instilling the unhelpful and insensitive trait in their sons from when they were boys.

MUM, when last did you ask your boy to do the dishes, clean the bath or to help with your shopping trolley.

Does your son watch T.V and play video games while his sisters are with you in the kitchen – after all, you would say, “he is a boy and his sisters are girls who must learn how to cook”?

Did you spank your son so hard his eyes watered the last time he raised up his hands to beat a girl or his sister…..?

WHY then do we blame the husbands of today, they are only living the life the mothers of yesterday permitted them to live…

DAD, Your future son in-law is going to be thankful to you, if you can get involved in training his wife…A man knows best what men want to see in their wives…

How many football matches have you made your daughter sit down and watch with you? And we wonder why wives fall out with their husbands when his just must watch that Arsenal v Chelsea match and nothing else matters. When did you have a frank talk about sex and just how important it is to a man, with your daughter – instead of being awkward about it and leaving it to the mother – who possibly does not have much of a clue in this area either…

The Biblical Queen Esther was trained by her Uncle Mordecai to be brave, courageous and yet alluring. No wonder she won the hearts of the King in the palace (thank GOD for favour as well, but DON’T rule out her uncle’s training)

Jairus ran after Jesus for the healing of his daughter, he didn’t leave that responsibility to her mother…

Herodias told her daughter to ask for the head of John the Baptist, she obeyed and it was presented to her on a platter of gold!

On a final note, our kids listen and act more on our instructions than those of outsiders. They also watch us and learn more from us than we might actually know. And the teachings we give our kids go a very long way with them.

You have the greatest influence and impact on your child…Use it


The type of home training they get will determine the kind of marriages they will have. So parents….please train up your children in the way they should go so when they are older, they will not deviate from it…





Many things in life are like learning horse riding. In the beginning you find out that you are scared of the horse and you keep falling off. And you might even break some bones while you’re at it…

But as you fall of, you must get back on that horse again.

Soon, you get used to the horse…and you master the art of riding without falling off.

But only if you don’t give up.