Not everyone you know is meant to be in your life.
At any point in time, many people will flow into your life but many of them will leave just as quickly as they came.
Some you will block out. Others will leave on their own accord.
But those who are meant to be there, will never go away.
No one CAME into this world with anyone. But some are heaven sent & appointed to be in your support network.
Ordinary folks who will be the only ones who will have that particular thing you need at any particular time. Could be provision of encouragement, words of comfort, custodian & keeper of your secrets, rescue from a sticky situation including but not limited to financial crises, connections with or introduction to other cause helpers…
The list is endless.
No man is an island. No one is meant to stand alone. We are all created to inter-connect with others and be each others helper.
But people are specially appointed for specific roles…and sent into the lives of specific person(s).
And each of us have our own specific Personal angels, Destiny helpers, God sents.
Learn to recognise yours…. and
be grateful for them.
But you must also filter out the wheat from the chaff in your life. Those who really have nothing to offer you or anything positive to add to your life.
Such people are only around for what they can get from you: good/fun times, juicy gossip about other people and pieces of valuable information that they can use against you in future. Remember, these set of people can wine, dine and even pray with you. But when your chios are down, they will be the first in line and in the front row to scream “crucify him/her”!!!
These are simply “fair weather friends”
Get rid of them now. You don’t need them and you can never rely on them. Your secrets are like common commodities in their hands. Up for sale to any bidder.
And any help they render you, you will pay back – with great interest.
Other fair-weather friends will simply lay in wait, quietly out of sight. But at the first whim of your troubles – they suddenly come to life!
They are the Judas Iscariots, the Peters (before his repentance) the Tobiahs and Sanballats. Frenemies.
No-one needs them. But we all have them. Weed them out today.
Declutter your network and eliminate the dormant presences…so they don’t occupy the valuable space meant for valuable people.
Or quietly ferment in your life and eventually poison it with their toxicity.
A few months ago when I ran the anti gangs, guns & knife campaign, organised marches, seminars, etc, MANY OF YOU FROM OUR COMMUNITY could not be bothered to respond or turn up.
Before the matter became the “serious situation” we now know, I started to talk about the issue of knife crime among our kids via my Blogsite and on my radio show “Baroness Js World on Naija FM” – from 2017.
I turned myself into a common nuisance trying to sensitize our people and open your eyes to what was happening to our kids, and to mobilize us to publicly show our collective moral outrage at the increasingly alarming number of Black/African/Nigerian/Yoruba boys being stabbed to death on the streets of London, but so many of you turned your faces the other way and shut your ears.
“AFTERALL, IT IS NOT MY CHILD. JUST DRUG DEALERS, JAMO KIDS, AND SONS OF SINGLE PATENTS WHO PROBABLY DESERVE IT” was the attitude of very many of you.
Many times, I visited and recorded from scenes where our kids had been murdered – sometimes late at night and early in the morning – just to make you all see the seriousness of the problem and bring home the reality of the involvement of our kids – both as victims as well as perpetrators of violent crime.
I spent thousands of my personal funds (with a tiny amount donated by just a handful of friends and supporters) to put on programs to bring our people together but you ignored my calls and apart from a few empty words on facebook, you mostly pretended it was not your problem. In fact, I was accused by some of you of whipping up fear and anxiety. Some even went as far as reporting me to FB getting me blocked a few times!
I organised a safeguarding seminar at the Woolwich Library and invited God so called community leaders, many council officials, school heads, teachers, police officers – but only a handful of African parents could be bothered to attend.
I put on a total of three peaceful protest marches but on 2 occasions, there were less than 20 of us who could be bothered to show up. The third one, I simply cancelled because I did not think it was worth the effort.
I even spent my personal funds to organise a dinner for the same purpose but what a waste of time and money that turned out to be.
I am totally and utterly disappointed in our community, and every single one of you that now has the audacity to say no one is doing anything about the problem.
WHEN THE CALL WENT OUT TO JOIN US IN DOING SOMETHING, WHAT DID YOU DO???
Our people will attend weddings, birthdays and all kinds of “Owambe” parties even of people the don’t know – just for a plate of jollof rice, and spray 00s of dollars at musicians who don’t know them. But will not spare a few hours to attend events where our kids’ lives are being discussed.
And then there and the African fathers who will attend clubs, every week from Thursday to Sunday, spending 00s of pounds on champagne, brandy and all kinds of drinks for even strange women, and then a few pounds more on seedy hotel rooms to go with their “friend” for the night but when it comes to community events, they claim they were not invited and will never donate just £10 to help organisations.
I have heard more moans from African men over the past 11 months than in my entire life! Grown men blaming mothers for our boys killing each other in the streets or being involved in gangs.
Like the Biblical Adam blamed everyone else but himself for actions God accused him of, so also are our fathers refusing to take any blame in the matter at hand. With the exception of just a handful of community leaders and activists, the faces of African fathers have been shockingly scarce in the entire anti-knife crime campaign picture. They claim “it is a women only thing” or “they were not invited” or “they feel pushed out”
Our men need to start to realise that it is not about them. But our kids’ lives!
My aim for running the knife crime awareness campaign was to get us to get up and work together as a community and find solutions to the problem facing us. My resignation from CANUK (with apologies to my former colleagues on the executive as they are all still my friends) was as a direct result of the failure of the leadership to see the importance or need for the programs I had planned and pull together to support me.
I get so upset nowadays when I see folks jumping on the bandwagon and organising yet another empty “conference” to talk about knife crime with no clear strategy or policy in place. Many of the so called organisers can not even mention names of just 2 of the kids who have been killed through knife stabbings yet they call themselves campaigners!!!!
I remember when I produced the comprehensive list of Nigerian boys who had lost their lives, I was accused by many of you of making things up to boost my blog views.
One woman from my church actually boldly said to my face she had to Google the names to verify my story!
I get really angry in my spirit when I see yet another idiot (pardon me) saying no one in the African community is doing anything when these same folks failed to respond to all the calls we made for their involvement and support.
My sista Daizy Ajisefini and her business partner Kashif Da Flash twice, at the cost of thousands of pounds, hired a London tour bus for another Anti Knife and Gun campaign.
Almost no one turned up – on both occassions!
One friend constantly bugged me for months to send my account details so they can make a donation to my organisation MAGAKC. I eventually gave the details. NOTHING.
And another well meaning sista contacted me with info that they wanted to “give me award” for the work I had done in this area – but then started to bug me about bringing a specific number of people to the event and buying tickets for them.
I realise that a few toes will feel stepped upon by this post, but it will also show the level of anger I had been harbouring.
To God be the Glory, my own kids are safely tucked away out of London and by His grace will not fall victim to any kind of violent attack. But I feel for parents who have not been so lucky. And I weep each time I read the news or see images of another young life being stolen from the blade of a knife or machette. No parent should have to go through this pain.
Preventing this is what has been my motivation. But the process has to be a joint and collective effort. But when those you reach out to, pointedly ignore you, then wail and complain about nobody doing anything – that gets me really angry.
Like my page: https://www.facebook.com/MAGAKC/
Baroness Olajumoke Ariyo – Anti Knife Crime Campaigner Founder SADE Founder Mothers Against Gangs, Guns And Knife Crime (MAGAKC)
On the 19th of October 2018, I posted on my Facebook wall
“Today would have been my 27th Wedding Anniversary…..💍💍💍
But S**T happens. Not every relationship ends in marriage. And not every marriage last forever.
I Thank God for my ex-husband, Mr Olaide Onanuga Soo Sure. We may not have made it as a couple, but you gave me 3 most fantastic kids and you have been the most excellent co-parent. If I had to do it again, I would not choose anyone else to have my babies with”.
I posted the piece above on my social media wall yesterday but I was not prepared for the avalanche of beautiful and soul lifting words that were left for me and that flooded in. The corporate reaction was the very last thing I expected from a simple expression of the significance of the day to me.
I was seriously overwhelmed me….and I am not ashamed to say that some comments actually brought tears to my eyes.
There are many women out there who have had the same experience as me. Hurt, broken, shamed, humiliated and thrown into years of sorrow and depression. But I only started to heal and move on and grow in inner strength when I let God take over and have control. Trust me, ten or five years ago, I would have never been able to write such words. I would have rather swallowed broken glass and washed it down with a glass of detergent spiced with arsenic….)
Ok maybe I exaggerate – but what I mean is – I have not always felt “this way” about my ex or my marriage but God opened my heart to forgive and my eyes to appreciate the indestructible beauty that came out of the ashes of my broken marriage: Ololade, Mobolaji & Motolani. The gifts that give more joy than any man or marriage can.
And that is why I cannot hold any grudges against the channel through which those babies came into my life.
I cringe everytime I see social media posts by men whingeing and whining about gold diggers and women who have scammed them, taken their money and left them bereft and broken hearted.
I also think of the fair share of men I know that their way to “toast” or court a woman they like, is by offering her a reward of cash and properties such as cars, houses, expensive holidays and designer wears.
Many men like to show off and present themselves as that which they are most definitely not, just to win a woman. The not so affluent ones feign success and accomplishments to attract a woman, and the truly accomplished and affluent ones flaunt their wealth to the woman in the hope that that will make her fall for him.
Unfortunately, this behaviour also makes women believe that you are buying their love and they will not be anything other than an appendage, a bought possession, an accoutrement in your life. Something that can easily be replaced when a more attractive and shinier version comes along.
They will also live with the assumption that while they are in your life and being kept by you, they owe you a great gratitude for being the recipient of your generosity.
There is a great difference between the person who you make to feel like you are doing them a favour by being with them and those who are with you because they feel really needed by you.
If you go after someone flashing your wealth and other wordly possessions, then that is all they are going to be attracted to.
Unless you expose yourself, open up your heart and your true vulnerability to someone, then they are never going to be attracted to the real you.
Because the person you never offered your heart to, is never going to feel they will have it at any point, so they go after that which is on offer. Many men make the mistake of thinking that when they offer a woman their wealth and connections, that is enough to make them fall in love.
Like the meaningless adage that says “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, believing that the way to a woman’s heart is through your bank account is also ridiculously false. True you will get some women that way, but don’t for a second believe that that guarantees you her heart. Also, be aware that as soon as the bank account dries up and the connections line breaks, they too are out of the door.
Afterall, that is all you brought them in to get, isn’t it?
A gold digger – or trophy wife expects the gold to keep coming and once she has become accustomed to that lifestyle, heavens help you if you try to keep her from it.
There are of course, women who deliberately go out seeking the “gold-flasher”. Men with means and money who are out to get women with nothing but their assets, or men who simply want a trophy wife on his arm – or in his bed – a stunning, glamorous young slay queen who needs other people’s money to keep herself in style. So like he who wants to kill and the one who wants to die both meeting – really, there is no story. Both are happy and satisfied.
But a man who truly wants a woman who will want him for him, will be a big fool to go after a slay queen, a glamour puss or a gold-digger. And such men who end up getting burnt definitely deserve everything they get. You cannot punch above your weight and not expect to be knocked out!
Unfortunately, these are the whingers and the whiners on social media who have bitten off more that they can chew. Though needing women who can give then real love and care genuinely for them, they have been attracted by shiny, glamorous slay queens who after taking the small change they have flashed, have left their asses for richer gold-flashers!
Women are by nature, nurturers.
That is why from the moment a woman gives birth to a tiny little baby, or even from the first moment she feels that tiny flutter in her belly, she is bound to that baby for life. That tiny, innocent, vulnerable, helpless, naked baby that is completely dependent on her for everything – including it’s survival. A mother will do anything and go to any length to keep that baby warm, safe and secure. And the love of a mother for her baby is sacred and unbreakable – even when that child betrays it’s mother or breaks her heart, a mother’s love never dies. Because that love is unconditional and not dependent on any promise or offers from the child.
She gives it freely in response to the baby’s naked vulnerability and dependence on her.
So it is also, when a woman feels the genuine vulnerability and honest dependence of another human being – or man, she gives back her all and will do anything to make that person happy. Because she feels needed, wanted and important to that being (or man)
So the next time you see a lady you really want to be with, do not go telling them you will take care of them, or like a father christmas, promise them gifts and money for agreeing to be with you.
This is how you attract “golddiggers”
But let them feel like they are the only woman in the world and your life is completely incomplete without them in it.
Convince her that she is your dream woman that you can open and pour your heart out to…and not a trophy that you must win and show off, and she will love you forever. Even when you are broke and penniless.
If you go out flaunting gold, you will surely by all means, attract a gold digger.
Yesterday I had a chat with a 95 year old Caucasian lady who asked me, the way only an old White person can, how I feel when I encounter racist behaviour or treatment..
Actually, her real words were “How does it make you feel when my people are horrible to your lot…?
My answer to her was “the way I get treated by some fellow black people can be far worse and more hurtful than any racist treatment”
Personally, I believe racism is just another form of hatred from a naturally hateful person but directed to folks of a different tribe or race. If you studied many so called racists, you would also find misogyny, bigotry, sexism, and most likely ageism. Racism is just one of their inbred traits and behavioral patterns.
And once you realise this, coupled with the knowledge that the average white person will never really see a black person as their equal, one would become oblivious to racist behaviours directed at them – and I have had loads, especially in the workplace, which I mostly ignore.
However, I must hasten to add, in case I am misunderstood, that many Whites or Caucasians are great accommodating colour-blind folks who see and treat everyone Black, White or Asian – the same.
But Black-On-Black hatred is another form of racism and I have in my 52 years, encountered more of it than White-On-Black racism. In my experience, the racist treatment I have been subjected to is child’s play compared to hatred that I have faced or received at the hands of my fellow black people – even those who claimed to “love me”.
We only need to look at African nations to see a blatant proof of this. African leaders treat their people worse than dogs and many of the white slave masters of old will learn plenty from them! And let us not forget that slavery would not have been possible without the complicit cooperation and involvement of other African chiefs, slave catchers and slave traders who gladly and willingly sold their fellow Africans for guns, ammunition and other Western “niceties”.
African men on average have a great hatred for their womenfolk and I mean African or black women.
This can be readily gleamed from the way many African men talk about their women which shows a complete lack of respect and total disregard for black women in general. And many husbands treat their wives like something they scrapped off their shoe. Like second class underlings and not as their partners or equal.
I have had chats with some African men espoused to White women – and what they have to say to justify their choices will make you cry.
And the African tradition has been the great originator and purveyor of this idea. ironically, the culture that was meant to protect African women has been twisted to the men’s advantage and used as a vehicle to enforce women subversion.
But more ironically, it is thanks to White culture or Western Civilisation that African women are being educated, being accepted and involved in the workplace, developing and owning careers and leading big businesses and nations and having a voice in public affairs.
If African men were to have their way, black women will still be tied to the kitchen stove, spewing out babies and working their bones senseless on the farms – and still expected to perform perfunctory wifely duties.
Look at the example of gang membership here in London. Those that have recently been in the news are all Black youth gangs. Anyone alive today will not need telling just how much damage these boys inflict upon fellow black boys in the name of rivalry and post codes wars.
And then there are the black religious leaders. Many of them, particularly and sadly Christian preachers of Pentecostal or “Black Churches” as they are more commonly known, have turned away from the Gospel of Christ and made the pulpit a self-aggrandisement, self enriching, entrepreneurial venture.
Many blackmail, manipulate and guilt-trip their hard pressed and often poor and struggling congregation members into parting with their almost non existent resources whilst they get richer, more affluent and more connected.
It is only a blackman that will sell hard and dangerous drugs to a fellow black man while knowing fully well the effects of these substances on the mind and body.
It is only an African man that will sell talcum powder mixed with God knows what and pass it off as baby formula!
And it is only a black person who will in the name of patronising black businesses, like they are doing you a great favour, offer to pay a fellow black man £40 for a £400 service or good – or even in extreme cases, expect to get goods and services for free. Amazingly, this will never ever be attempted with a Black or Asian business man
There is no race as divided and as self hating as the Black race. This is what makes us rich picking and easy target for white supremacists and racists.
We black people hate ourselves more that any hateful white person can ever hate us. And if we can’t love ourselves, how can others love us?
Until we black people learn to unite among ourselves, love ourselves; fight and work together, care for ourselves and truly be each other’s keeper, then the work racists will continue to be very easy indeed.
Contrary to what many of us would like to believe either of ourselves, or of others – ordinary citizens or people are not much different from the politicians in our midst. Especially in the area of loyalty.
Without desiring to write a long drawn out essay on this topic, I would simply like to write on my reflection of what I have seen being played out on social media.
Loyalty, one of the most hallowed of human qualities, is one that is alien to most politicians. And this we see being demonstrated daily in our nation’s polity even here in the UK.
From the days of Tony Blair when hundreds of newbie Labour MP’s who rode on the tailcoat of Tony’s stratospheric popularity to earn a seat they otherwise would never in a million years have had the luck of getting in the House of Commons, including the eternally ineffective Gordon Brown, who eventually signalled the downfall of the Labour government, stabbed Tony in the back and turned away from him in their droves in light of the ill-informed Iraq War and the doctored WMD report that still haunts the former PM even till today.
And then there is Theresa May, the current UK Prime Minister.
Many times, I as a feminine, wonder if the woman cries herself to sleep every night…not with the barrage of daily insults, hostility and lack of co-operation or support from colleagues, ministers, MPs, civil servants, the press etc. And that is just from her own party, the Conservative Party.
Not to talk of open hostility from opposition, Labour, Lib Dems, SDP etc… and of course the Europe ministers in the middle of this regrettable Brexit negotiations.
How the woman copes, I simply just do not know!
But as a fifty-something British Born who’s lived more than two-thirds of my life in the UK, I have maybe just 2 or 3 times heard of someone defecting from one political party to another!!!
Party membership and party loyalty is more or less for life, regardless of how displeased people are with their leader or representative.
And even ordinary citizens, rather than vote for another party if they have issues with their own side, will rather not vote at all.
Look at the Americans with their current President.
I am extremely certain that many in the Republican party are in no uncertainty about just how much of a liability and embarrassment Trump is. No need to go into details about that. I’m sure everyone is familiar with his daily un-presidential and undignified goings-on.
But in spite of Trump’s daily show of embarrassment to the Republicans and even to the great American nation, I am yet to hear of any news of defection or changing of party allegiance.
But that is in the Western world, where things are done with class, decorum and in an orderly fashion.
Let us bring it down to Nigeria.
A country where your party is your home and your party colleagues are your brothers and sisters until something or someone gores your ox.
Allegiances are changed as frequently as most ladies change their underwear (not all of us do) And your “brother” today becomes overnight, your sworn enemy – simply over a disagreement or difference of opinion. Or over a simple matter of denial of access to public of funds for personal spending!
And the party you call your “home” today, suddenly becomes
In fact you can deduce the very character of many of our politicians and the way they would treat their wives, children, friends from the way they treat the party they “belong” to.
Politicians have no iota of that basic human trait called loyalty and Nigeria has a super-breed of no qualms, disloyal politicians judging by the tsunamic proportion of defections and decamping going on at the moment. Many of them even come with downright criminal entitlements and rights. How in God’s Holy name can it be ok for a Senate President or State Governor to defect from a political party without resigning from the post or relinquishing the position he got voted into, under the ticket of the party he has just decamped from and is very happy to go about slandering or tainting???
And this is supported by our constitution???
The authors of our so called constitution forgot to add that anyone in elected public office must first step down and resign from his post if he decides to leave the political party who gave him the ticket to the post. WHAT A TRAVESTY!!!
Do you know that in the UK, politicians, (MPs, Ministers, Councillors etc) when grieved or even accused of any wrong doing, will very rarely if ever, resign from their party. But they will almost always step down from the post – even when they do not have to.
Think Boris Johnson.
A Nigerian would have gone round all the parties – with the sheer barage of daily criticism our BOJO faces!
Nigerian politicians do not have such qualms.
And even after defecting or decamping, they will not spare any breath vilifying, insulting, demonising, castigating the party they just left – while still holding on to the highly placed post they got voted into through that party….!!
And then are the paid, foot soldiers and loud mouthed social media commentators with not much honour or substance – if any at all!
I know some that almost came close to kissing the feet of the president 3 or 4 years ago…
Today, they are in front of the queue of those screaming “crucify him, crucify him”!!
How quickly their support and allegiances have shifted and changed. If your man or candidate does not perform to your expectation, is that enough reason to shift sides and stand with his opponents? I am under no illusion that the expectation of many who supported the presidency of Buhari, including myself, has been somewhat diminished. Many who expected a miracle in under 4 years have been seriously disappointed and even that can be understood…
Rightly or wrongly, we expected a little too much of this current administration in too little time, and we have kind of been let down. However, that, whether we believe it or not, is all our fault.
But to suddenly join the legion of die-hard opponents, sworn enemies and the camp of those who milked the nation dry, and in 16 years, brought the entire country to it’s feet, calling the President ugly names and posting highly derogatory comments about him on social media, does not show any strength of character at all – in my books. Surely, you can demonstrate your displeasure without necessarily changing sides and siding with “the enemy”
That, my friend, speaks volumes about the kind of person you are and it is not attractive at all.
I have quite a number of such folks who belong in my network or that I call friends.
Surely, they can do the same to me….
As for me, Olajumoke, I am neither here nor there when it comes to party politics in Nigeria.
I however, am a Buhari sympathiser and a Buhari supporter. Die hard..? I don’t know.
But compared to his predecessor, I have always and still believe he is a better choice – EMPHATIC YES
Do I believe Buhari has performed to expectation? No. And I also personally believe he should see out his term but step down at the end of it and hand over to someone younger, more energetic, more decisive and more in touch with the mood of the electorate.
But that, will NEVER,EVER, make me go on every platform available and join voices with his “enemies” to rain undignifying abuses and curses on him. That is not in my nature.
Remember, no matter what “shitty” place you could be in right now, it is almost certain you’ve probably been in worse, more soul destroying, terribly overwhelming, “shitty” situations – but suprise, suprise!! it didn’t kill you!
You are still standing.
You are still alive.
Guess what, friend – you will overcome again: because you have Jesus Christ, the Overcomer In Chief on your side!
John 16:33 says so.
So come on, smile, chin up and cheer up. The battle is the Lord’s