Category: FEATURES

Mental Health Issues Can Have An Impact On Relationships

Unconsummated relationships, where couples don’t have sex due to difficulties, trauma or sexual dysfunction are not often spoken about.

Usually, the couple feel embarrassed to discuss their sexual difficulties – but they are not alone. According to an AXA PPP survey, a third of Brits are fearful of getting naked, largely due to body image and self esteem issues. But nerves around body image aren’t the only reason couples aren’t able to consummate their relationships.

Why aren’t couples having sex? Sarah-Jane Otoo, psychosexual therapist at Priory Wellbeing Centre Birmingham, tells ‘Unconsummated relationships including marriages are largely unspoken about and the reasons behind them are often complex. ‘Some of the most common reasons are from a psychological viewpoint and include a general lack of education around sexual intercourse, fear, anxiety, shame and/or past trauma. ‘In addition, sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, performance anxiety in males and vaginismus in females has been reported in several studies as well as vulvodynia, an often unbearable pain when the genitals are touched’.

Photo by Kat Jayne on

Relationships expert Ben Edwards expands on this, telling us: ‘Post-traumatic stress and the psychological damage from past sexual abuse, low self-esteem or unhealthy relationships can be very hard to overcome.’ We must not overlook the impact of sexual trauma and mental health issues.

A lady who has bipolar disorder, which dramatically affects her sex drive says. ‘I can sometimes see a decreased or lack of libido, due to my bipolar disorder,’ ‘During periods of depression, she tells, my self-esteem tends to plummet.

‘Mixed with decreased energy and an increase in apathy, my body rejects physical intimacy in favour of seeking emotional nourishment. ‘I suffer from frequent bouts of hypersexuality. I am unable to receive any satisfaction from sexual intimacy and am often in pain or discomfort because of this.’

This patient takes medication, but like many taking pills for their mental wellbeing, has found that this has an effect on her sex drive, too. ‘A medication increase has caused me to have loss of libido,’ she explains. ‘Gaining weight from medication has contributed to my struggles.’ For her, the key is being able to communicate with a partner who understands her struggles. ‘Libido changes are a chronic challenge,’ she says. ‘Maintaining open dialogue with my partner has helped to ease the anxiety. ‘Sex is an emotional act as well as physical; we discuss the struggles and have seen progress. Therapy has also been a relief. Our strong emotional connection has allowed us to make it through.’

Another lady says anorexia has brought on issues with intimacy. ‘My body image is awful,’ she tells us. ‘I am embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look and it takes me an extremely long time to feel comfortable with men. ‘It’s been the cause of many of relationships endings. Ironically, my eating disorder started at age 19 in large part due to a guy telling me I was overweight so it’s something I’ve never shaken off.

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on

‘I had a lot of negative thoughts about my body during sex so wasn’t able to enjoy the moment, don’t enjoy being touched or looked at, and have difficulty relaxing. ‘If I had eaten too much, was having a bad day or  stressed, then the eating disorder symptoms would creep in and I wouldn’t be able to have sex. ‘Counselling has helped me somewhat and taking things very slowly so I build up trust.’

Kate Moyle, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist, explains that anxiety is a common factor for a lack of sex in a relationship. ‘Every couple is unique and will have their own reasons and experiences for not consummating their relationship,’ she tells us. ‘These situations are often linked to some form of anxiety around sex which can in some instances impact sexual functioning.

Some people may struggle with intimacy.’ For Sarah, 35, who has borderline personality disorder, that anxiety comes from a lack of self-confidence as well as a lingering shame around sex. ‘My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 12,’ Sarah tells us. ‘I always felt very prudish talking about sex due to my family background, before, during or after. ‘I was told not to have sex before marriage, so it always felt dirty and wrong. ‘My mental health issues mean my self confidence is rock bottom. I’m at my heaviest weight and although occasionally I enjoy sex, I mainly do it so he doesn’t leave me. ‘We had marriage counselling which helped for a while, but nothing really helps. ‘My husband manages to stay with me. He says he misses not having more sex but he says it would never be a cause to leave me. I wish I could be more confident.’ So what can you do if you need help with psychosexual issues? The main remedies are psychosexual therapy, counselling and working on communication, touch and intimacy. (Picture: Erin Aniker/

Sarah Jane Otoo says: ‘It is important to remember that not one person in the relationship has the “problem”; you are both impacted. Psychosexual relationship therapy can be beneficial to help support couples that are experiencing problems with sex. ‘People may choose to enter therapy individually; however  it is often advised for couples to enter therapy together. By giving them a safe and confidential space, they may be able to come to a place of understanding.’ Ben Edwards recommends understanding each other’s reasons for a lack of sexual desire or drive, and to avoid blame or shame. ‘When working with my clients on their relationships, I  encourage them to understand each other’s “why”,’ he states. ‘We all have our reasons for wanting certain things and you must communicate this to your partner.


By Eleanor Segall. Published in 


Police, CPS Say Late London Teenager Damilola Odeyingbo Was Not Murdered After All

An 18 year-old man who died in Chislehurst after a reported fight was not murdered, police have said.

The teenager had long been included in the list of young Nigerians  considered victims of London violent crime.

Oluwadamilola Odeyingbo died on the morning of January 10 after an incident in Empress Drive the previous evening which led to a murder investigation.

At the time the cause of death was unexplained but police now know he died of multiple organ failure from a pre-existing medical condition.

Met Police statement read: “Officers from the Met’s Homicide and Major Crime Command, having consulted with the CPS, are satisfied that no offences of murder or manslaughter have been committed.

“There are ongoing enquiries in relation to other offences not linked to the death of Mr Odeyingbo.”

As part of the initial investigation, an 18-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of murder before he was later released.


Culled from Newshopper

For Adults And Matured Minds Only: 9 Great Benefits Of A Good Orgasm

An orgasm is a feeling of intense sexual pleasure that happens during sexual activity. … In women, an intense pleasurable release of sexual tension is accompanied by contractions of the genital muscles.

Many who are by now well used to the idea of having an orgasm after sex will also know that you don’t need a reason to have an orgasm. Organisms are glorious natural parts of sex and should be celebrated.

But in case you did need an excuse, here’s one plus a load more. Orgasms come with a number of health benefits of orgasms we’ve listed below.


1 Stress Reduction

An orgasm is an instant stress reducer That’s because reaching climax floods your body with feelgood hormones such as oxytocin, which reduce stress. Plus the process of reaching an orgasm distracts you from any worries or lingering things on your to-do list. It’s tricky to worry about how full your inbox is when your, um, filling your other inbox.


2. It’s good for your skin

Having an orgasm increases blood flow to the skin, which will help with reducing wrinkles and repairing damage. Brilliant. The reduction of stress we mentioned earlier helps too, as a reduction of stress hormones lowers inflammation, which is connected to acne and redness. Immediately after an orgasm you’ll get a glow thanks to getting your blood bumping, and longterm you could have smoother, blemish-free skin (although, sadly, no research has yet been done into how many orgasms you need to have to match the benefits of an excellent skincare routine).


3. Orgasms can get rid of headaches And other aches and pains.

That’s thanks to the pleasure hormones released by orgasms – dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin – which also handily reduce the sensation of pain. Just a warning though: Some people find that orgasms actually bring on headaches. It’s thought this is due to strenuous activity, and you can deal with any postcoital headaches by popping a painkiller before a bone sesh and following up your lovemaking with a drink of water and a lie-down. Sexy.


4. They could help with migraines

Anyone who’s been through the hell of migraines will jump for anything that promises to reduce the struggle. While we wouldn’t suggest swapping medication for sex (if your medication is working for you, please keep using it), the links between orgasms and migraine relief are promising enough to make sex an option when nothing else is doing the trick. In one study, 47% of people with migraines felt complete relief after an orgasm. That being said, 49.1% felt no relief, and 5.3% said an orgasm made their migraine worse. So it’s a bit of a gamble. Researchers compared the benefits of orgasm to that of medications and found that orgasms are a significantly less effective fix, but that when they do work to reduce migraine symptoms, they do so speedily. Worth a go, right?


5. Having an orgasm will help you get to sleep

We all know sleep is incredibly important for our physical and mental wellbeing – so anything that helps us ease into sleep is brilliant. Again, this benefit is all down to the hormones released by orgasm. Stress reduction will always help with sleep, while serotonin and norepinephrine – both released by orgasm – are important players in helping the body go through REM cycles. Research has also found that the better your sleep is, the better your sex life is, so it’s a lovely symbiotic relationship. (backgrounds have been changed)


6. Getting off can help your digestion

Yep, it’s that oxytocin again. The body is aaaall connected, and having increased oxytocin levels and lower levels of stress will mean your tummy works better, too. Congrats.


7. Orgasms aid muscle recovery

That’s thanks to the increased blood flow brought on by orgasm, and it’s why we recommend anyone training for a marathon spends some time having sex (alone or with a partner) on their rest days. Increased blood flow will ease aching muscles and help the body recover from exercise more quickly, so treat yourself to an orgasm post-workout.


8. An orgasm can help you avoid infections

The hormones triggered by blowing the old sex trumpet boost your immune system, increasing your body’s ability to make protective antibodies against bacteria and germs linked to common illnesses. That means that having plenty of orgasms will offer you some protection from getting sick, and will make your cold last a little less time than someone not buttering their crumpet. Of course, you can’t treat your body like rubbish, whack in a few sex sessions, and expect to never get sick again. No orgasm is powerful enough to counteract a terrible diet, a lack of sleep, and having vaccinations. But if a bug’s going round the office, it’s worth spending some time at home masturbating.


9. It’s good for your heart

When you have an orgasm, your peak heart rate tends to be the same as it would be during light exercise, such as walking upstairs. That’s nothing major, but it’s a little boost for your heart health. The physical exertion used to get you to orgasm helps, too.


Published in by Ellen Scott




Former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan Dies At 80

Former United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan has died, according to an announcement on the Kofi Annan Foundation Twitter page.

“It is with immense sadness that the Annan family and the Kofi Annan  Foundation announce that Kofi Annan, former Secretary General of the  United Nations and Nobel Peace Laureate, passed away peacefully on  Saturday 18th August after a short illness,” read the post.

Annan, who served as the seventh UN chief for almost 10 years and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2001, died in the Swiss capital of Bern on Saturday.


Former UN chief Kofi Annan dies
Kofi Annan 1938 – 2018


Just Musing: Black On Black Hatred Is Worse Than Racism

Yesterday I had a chat with a 95 year old Caucasian lady who asked me, the way only an old White person can, how I feel when I encounter racist behaviour or treatment..

Actually, her real words were “How does it make you feel when my people are horrible to your lot…?


My answer to her was “the way I get treated by some fellow black people can be far worse and more hurtful than any racist treatment”

Personally, I believe racism is just another form of hatred from a naturally hateful person but directed to folks of a different tribe or race. If you studied many so called racists, you would also find misogyny, bigotry, sexism, and most likely ageism. Racism is just one of their inbred traits and behavioral patterns.

And once you realise this, coupled with the knowledge that the average white person will never really see a black person as their equal, one would become oblivious to racist behaviours directed at them – and I have had loads, especially in the workplace, which I mostly ignore.

However, I must hasten to add, in case I am misunderstood, that many Whites or Caucasians are great accommodating colour-blind folks who see and treat everyone Black, White or Asian  – the same.

But Black-On-Black hatred is another form of racism and I have in my 52 years, encountered more of it than White-On-Black racism. In my experience, the racist treatment I have been subjected to is child’s play compared to hatred that I have faced or received at the hands of my fellow black people – even those who claimed to “love me”.

We only need to look  at African nations to see a blatant proof of this. African leaders treat their people worse than dogs and many of the white slave masters of old will learn plenty from them! And let us not forget that slavery would not have been possible without the complicit cooperation and involvement of other African chiefs, slave catchers and slave traders who gladly and willingly sold their fellow Africans for guns, ammunition and other Western “niceties”.

African men on average have a great hatred for their womenfolk and I mean African or black women.

This can be readily gleamed from the way many African men talk about their women which shows a complete lack of respect and total disregard for black women in general. And many husbands treat their wives like something they scrapped off their shoe. Like second class underlings and not as their partners or equal.

I have had chats with some African men espoused to White women – and what they have to say to justify their choices will make you cry.

And the African tradition has been the great originator and purveyor of this idea. ironically, the culture that was meant to protect African women has been twisted to the men’s advantage and used as a vehicle to enforce women subversion.

But more ironically, it is thanks to White culture or Western Civilisation that African women are being educated, being accepted and involved in the workplace, developing and owning careers and leading big businesses and nations and having a voice in public affairs.

If African men were to have their way, black women will still be tied to the kitchen stove, spewing out babies and working their bones senseless on the farms – and still expected to perform perfunctory wifely duties.

Look at the example of gang membership here in London. Those that have recently been in the news are all Black youth gangs. Anyone alive today will not need telling just how much damage these boys inflict upon fellow black boys in the name of rivalry and post codes wars.

And then there are the black religious leaders.  Many of them, particularly and sadly Christian preachers of Pentecostal or “Black Churches” as they are more commonly known, have turned away from the Gospel of Christ and made the pulpit a self-aggrandisement, self enriching, entrepreneurial venture.

Many blackmail, manipulate and guilt-trip their hard pressed and often poor and struggling congregation members into parting with their almost non existent resources whilst they get richer, more affluent and more connected.

It is only a blackman that will sell hard and dangerous drugs to a fellow black man while knowing fully well the effects of these substances on the mind and body.

It is only an African man that will sell talcum powder mixed with God knows what and pass it off as baby formula!

And it is only a black person who will in the name of patronising black businesses, like they are doing you a great favour, offer to pay a fellow black man £40 for a £400 service or good – or even in extreme cases, expect to get goods and services for free. Amazingly, this will never ever be attempted with a Black or Asian business man

There is no race as divided and as self hating as the Black race. This is what makes us rich picking and easy target for white supremacists and racists.

We black people hate ourselves more that any hateful white person can ever hate us. And if we can’t love ourselves, how can others love us?

Until we black people learn to unite among ourselves, love ourselves; fight and work together, care for ourselves and truly be each other’s keeper, then the work racists will continue to be very easy indeed.



East London School Headed By Nigerian Principal Produces Best A” Level Students

Brampton Manor Academy School in East London produced the…… best A’level results this year with 100 of the Sixth form Students obtaining straight A* to A and gaining admissions to Top Rusell Group Universities: Oxford, Cambridge, LSE, ImperialCollege, UCL, Kings College, St Andrews ,Warwick, and Bristol Universities.

Brampton Manor Academy was deemed outstanding in every category in 2012, and has repeated this effort in its most recent Ofsted inspection.

The school was rated outstanding by Ofsted twice in the past five years, in both 2015 and 2018.


The determined leadership of the principal was commended, as was the dedication of the staff and relationships between teachers and students.

What makes this big news is the fact that this is a State School and not the fee paying private School.

And more significantly, the school is run by executive principal Dr Dayo Olukoshi, who is a Nigerian.

dayo olukoshi
Dr Dayo Olukoshi

Dr Olukoshi was awarded an OBE in 2015 for his services to education.

Executive principal Dr Dayo Olukoshi said: “We’re delighted to receive this recognition for the second time for the hard work and the high standards achieved by our students and our staff.

GANGSRead: London Knife Crime: It Is Time To Ban Gangs 



Contrary to what many of us would like to believe either of ourselves, or of others – ordinary citizens or people are not much different from the politicians in our midst. Especially in the area of loyalty.
Without desiring to write a long drawn out essay on this topic, I would simply like to write on my reflection of what I have seen being played out on social media.
Loyalty, one of the most hallowed of human qualities, is one that is alien to most politicians. And this we see being demonstrated daily in our nation’s polity even here in the UK.
From the days of Tony Blair when hundreds of newbie Labour MP’s who rode on the tailcoat of Tony’s stratospheric popularity to earn a seat they otherwise would never in a million years have had the luck of getting in the House of Commons, including the eternally ineffective Gordon Brown, who eventually signalled the downfall of the Labour government, stabbed Tony in the back and turned away from him in their droves in light of the ill-informed Iraq War and the doctored WMD report that still haunts the former PM even till today.
And then there is Theresa May, the current UK Prime Minister.
Many times, I as a feminine, wonder if the woman cries herself to sleep every night…not with the barrage of daily insults, hostility and lack of co-operation or support from colleagues, ministers, MPs, civil servants, the press etc. And that is just from her own party, the Conservative Party.
Not to talk of open hostility from opposition, Labour, Lib Dems, SDP etc… and of course the Europe ministers in the middle of this regrettable Brexit negotiations.
How the woman copes, I simply just do not know!
But as a fifty-something British Born who’s lived more than two-thirds of my life in the UK, I have maybe just 2 or 3 times heard of someone defecting from one political party to another!!!

Party membership and party loyalty is more or less for life, regardless of how displeased people are with their leader or representative.

And even ordinary citizens, rather than vote for another party if they have issues with their own side, will rather not vote at all.
Look at the Americans with their current President.
I am extremely certain that many in the Republican party are in no uncertainty about just how much of a liability and embarrassment Trump is. No need to go into details about that. I’m sure everyone is familiar with his daily un-presidential and undignified goings-on.
But in spite of Trump’s daily show of embarrassment to the Republicans and even to the great American nation, I am yet to hear of any news of defection or changing of party allegiance.
But that is in the Western world, where things are done with class, decorum and in an orderly fashion.
Let us bring it down to Nigeria.
A country where your party is your home and your party colleagues are your brothers and sisters until something or someone gores your ox.
Allegiances are changed as frequently as most ladies change their underwear (not all of us do) And your “brother” today becomes overnight, your sworn enemy – simply over a disagreement or difference of opinion. Or over a simple matter of denial of access to public of funds for personal spending!
And the party you call your “home” today, suddenly becomes
In fact you can deduce the very character of many of our politicians and the way they would treat their wives, children, friends from the way they treat the party they “belong” to.
Politicians have no iota of that basic human trait called loyalty and Nigeria has a super-breed of no qualms, disloyal politicians judging by the tsunamic proportion of defections and decamping going on at the moment. Many of them even come with downright criminal entitlements and rights. How in God’s Holy name can it be ok for a Senate President or State Governor to defect from a political party without resigning from the post or relinquishing the position he got voted into, under the ticket of the party he has just decamped from and is very happy to go about slandering or tainting???
And this is supported by our constitution???
The authors of our so called constitution forgot to add that anyone in elected public office must first step down and resign from his post if he decides to leave the political party who gave him the ticket to the post. WHAT A TRAVESTY!!!
Do you know that in the UK, politicians, (MPs, Ministers, Councillors etc) when grieved or even accused of any wrong doing, will very rarely if ever, resign from their party. But they will almost always step down from the post – even when they do not have to.
Think Boris Johnson.
A Nigerian would have gone round all the parties – with the sheer barage of daily criticism our BOJO faces!
Nigerian politicians do not have such qualms.
And even after defecting or decamping, they will not spare any breath vilifying, insulting, demonising, castigating the party they just left – while still holding on to the highly placed post they got voted into through that party….!!
And then are the paid, foot soldiers and loud mouthed social media commentators with not much honour or substance – if any at all!
I know some that almost came close to kissing the feet of the president 3 or 4 years ago…
Today, they are in front of the queue of those screaming “crucify him, crucify him”!!
How quickly their support and allegiances have shifted and changed. If your man or candidate does not perform to your expectation, is that enough reason to shift sides and stand with his opponents? I am under no illusion that the expectation of many who supported the presidency of Buhari, including myself, has been somewhat diminished. Many who expected a miracle in under 4 years have been seriously disappointed and even that can be understood…
Rightly or wrongly, we expected a little too much of this current administration in too little time, and we have kind of been let down. However, that, whether we believe it or not, is all our fault.
But to suddenly join the legion of die-hard opponents, sworn enemies and the camp of those who milked the nation dry, and in 16 years, brought the entire country to it’s feet, calling the President ugly names and posting highly derogatory comments about him on social media, does not show any strength of character at all – in my books. Surely, you can demonstrate your displeasure without necessarily changing sides and siding with “the enemy”
That, my friend, speaks volumes about the kind of person you are and it is not attractive at all.
I have quite a number of such folks who belong in my network or that I call friends.
Surely, they can do the same to me….
As for me, Olajumoke, I am neither here nor there when it comes to party politics in Nigeria.
I however, am a Buhari sympathiser and a Buhari supporter. Die hard..? I don’t know.
But compared to his predecessor, I have always and still believe he is a better choice – EMPHATIC YES
Do I believe Buhari has performed to expectation? No. And I also personally believe he should see out his term but step down at the end of it and hand over to someone younger, more energetic, more decisive and more in touch with the mood of the electorate.
But that, will NEVER,EVER, make me go on every platform available and join voices with his “enemies” to rain undignifying abuses and curses on him. That is not in my nature.
For me, LOYALTY, is everything.
Olajumoke Ariyo

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