WOMEN LEAVE TOO…
“There is a popular yet very erroneous societal notion that only Men leave or can leave marriages.
It’s not boldly written down anywhere but it’s covertly and sometimes overtly asserted in words and actions.
Yesterday, I was tagged to a post about a woman who made a choice not to change her name after marriage. Her husband who’s insisting that she must take on his name has become so livid, that he doesn’t speak to her anymore, sleeps in a different room, generally exhibiting rancorous behavior, which is adversely affecting the marriage and she needed some guidance.
I found comments from loads of men and women on that thread somewhat discomfiting; not because they demanded that she change her name (I mean, we are in Nigeria, it’s a given that many people still think there’s some rule book that compels a woman to take on her husband’s name) but because of the subtle threats continuously made to her that she would lose her marriage if she doesn’t conform, and how it was her duty to save her marriage etc
Repeatedly, the comments encouraged her to “OBEY” her husband, do his BIDDING, SUBMIT to his demands, CONFORM to his dictates OR ElSE she would be so unfortunate to LOSE her marriage…
The whole time I’m thinking in my head 🤔, do these people know that women leave marriages too? That wives leave husbands?
How is it, no one, and I mean no one speaks to a man (husband) using these threats? No one says to him; stop drinking too much, stop abusing your wife, stop this highhandedness, stop this vitriolic speech, stop this stingy nature OR ELSE you will lose your wife…
I mean, the man in the post is neglecting his wife, moved out of their matrimonial bed, doesn’t speak to her, creates a hostile living environment in that marriage and no one says to him he could lose his marriage if he continues to be unreasonable?. No one, not her parents, his parents, his friends, her friends etc No one.
The focus is always on the woman to preserve her marriage, to build her home, to change, to conform, to keep it together because marriage is fragile and it’s her sole duty to understand the fragility of marriage else she could lose it.
Women!! What an Insecure position we’ve found ourselves, right?
It appears that women need this “Marriage” so much more and men can really do without it. So that we are the ones constantly at risk of losing the marriage.
The man remains in a secure position in this regard. He is immune to the effects of a broken marriage and in any case ,a marriage can only be broken at his instance 🤣🤣🤣🤣
This notion 🖕up there has led many men astray. So many men have lost their wives and marriages to this fallacious mental conditioning.
I left my marriage. I was the party in my marriage that said; I have had enough, I am putting an end to this charade.
Prior to that decision, I was the recipient of these kinds of advice that end with the threat – you will lose your marriage.
People expected that I do the fasting and praying, that I conform to his demands, that I adjust my expectations, that I accommodate his bad behavior, that I tolerate his abuse, that I manage the home. The burden of the success of the marriage was placed heavily on my shoulders, because I was the woman, the wife, the most likely to be THE LEFT, cos apparently, by virtue of my gender,I needed the marriage.🤣🤣
My ex would throw such comments at me flippantly… Esiri!! You have no choice but to change for me, OR ELSE, shey you see this marriage …… 🤣🤣🤣.
He would repeat same🖕 in his usual braggadocio, to friends and family who intervened to help resolve issues… and they in turn will plead with him; 👉calm down, take it easy, you know she is young, exercise some patience, we will talk to her.
My brother-in-law once said to me, you see Esiri, in a marriage, the man is never wrong. You are the wife, whatever happens, you would kneel down and beg your husband for the sake of peace. 🤣🤣🤣Wowooo!!
And the whole time, I’m wondering why people thought my ex was the only one with the ability to leave the marriage. It always left me perplexed how no one said to him that I could or would leave him if he didn’t change.
How and Why was no one anticipating my likely exit? Isn’t there life for a woman outside of her marriage? Is there a rule book that says a woman cannot initiate a divorce? Why did people peg me as the party who would be left and solely suffer the gruesome effects of a broken marriage. I couldn’t understand it.
Perhaps, if this harmful notion was not in play someone could have advised my ex properly.
Someone would have said to him, if you don’t change, if you don’t treat her better, if you don’t make your marriage a priority, if you don’t stay committed, if you don’t stop disrespecting her, if you do not show her love, if you don’t stop this rancorous behavior, you will lose your marriage. Esiri, will leave you.
Sadly no one did, if he ever heard those words then they must have been very few and far between for his recollection that they made no impact.
It is high time we stopped feeding this fear via subtle threats made to women on the dissolution of marriage by their husbands.
It is also time that Men are told the truth and made to understand the realities on ground.
Let’s be real;
Men need and desire to be part of the Institution of Marriage Just as women do;
Men need Wives as Women Need Husbands;
The Stigma society attaches to older unmarried women also affects men of the same category in a substantial proportion.
For example in Nigeria, an older man (ie approaching his 40’s and above) who is not married is regarded as irresponsible, mocked & nicknamed “King of Boys” even vying for a political position as an unmarried man is a basis upon which he can be discriminated against;
The effects of a Divorce are hurtful to Men as much as they are to women, sometimes even much more;
A lot of men rush to get married again after a divorce, to save face, to mitigate the loss of comfort and succor that a wife brings and some even do so to quickly start making new babies as they believe they may not be able to count on the children born to them by their ex wife in future;
Women leave and are leaving marriages on a daily basis as much as men are;
Women cheat on their spouses as much as Men do;
Do not let anyone tell you any different. If that marriage is important to you. Stop forming macho man, boning face, ignoring food and sleeping in a different room because you are Gender M;
Sit down with your spouse and work things out. Try to promote a peaceful, loving and comfortable environment in your marriage as much as is possible.
Men!! – Build your Home, Protect your marriage,Be reasonable, Pray for your spouse also.
Let no one lie to you that you are the Man of the house and so your wife must conform.
In resorting to all divisive tactics to manipulate and bend your wife’s will, you may end up breaking it and she’ll Usain Bolt her way out of that marriage before you know it.
Ladies, wherever there is a settled notion in any relationship, that one party needs the union over and above the other, it becomes slavish to the desiring party in no time.
I don’t know about you, but I am just as happy to stay married/be in a relationship with a man as he is happy to be in it with me.
You should not let anyone cajole you into being committed and dedicated to keeping and building a marriage which your spouse is way too excited to flagrantly discard in the bin… it’s a Slave Alert.. Be warned.
You should be working towards the continuous ENJOYMENT of your marriage not a continuous ENDURANCE of your marriage”